


The true ineffability was the family we accidentally got along the way

by SinfulLuca



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Angst, F/M, Fluff, Future Fic, Gen, Kid Fic, M/M, Multi, Other, POV Outsider, a surprising amount of bakground OCs, just a little, this is totally T but in ch 2 they have metaphysical sex and… I don’t know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-02-24 16:14:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 54,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21780778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SinfulLuca/pseuds/SinfulLuca
Summary: Aziraphale liked changes.Changes were important and necessary. Changes were what made humanity humanity.He might be slow to the adjustment but he liked changes.…Even when they broke his window.
Relationships: Anathema Device/Newton Pulsifer, Aziraphale & Adam Young (Good Omens), Aziraphale & Crowley & Adam Young (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley & Adam Young (Good Omens), Crowley & Anathema Device
Comments: 45
Kudos: 184





	1. Calm

**Author's Note:**

> “Be the change you want to see in the world” someone once said.  
> So I wrote a self indulgent kid fic because the other ones in AO3 were’t metaphysical enough for my liking.
> 
> I don’t even like kids, but after designing a an AC baby just as character design practice I got attached.
> 
> This is marked as complete but I will add more chapters. I’ll try to maintain it feeling complete but… I like my foreshadowing so let’s see how that goes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> footnotes do work in complete work format~

Life is all about changes. Every single one of them meaningful and important, no matter how big or small; easy or hard.

They might not come when you want them, they might feel unfair, hurtful - like when your allies call you a traitor, ostracise you for your love and prohibit you from coming back to Heaven.

But not every change is bad. Some are simple, inconsequential - like finally getting a new coat. Some appear to be just that but end up changing your life - like when he asked for you to stay the night.

Some changes are little but so full of meaning - like taking his hand and never letting go for the rest of your life. Some are so risky, with so much to lose and yet you can’t stop yourself from making them happen - like finally, finally kissing him, never looking back.

There are changes that you never saw coming - like coming back to that small town to check on everyone again and again, until you’re there every other weekend; until you become uncle Az.

Sometimes they are big and happy and fill you with freedom - like moving together with the person you love the most. There’s no reason to be sad or scared. You finally found where you belonged. It wasn’t Heaven at all, it was in his arms.

There’s all kinds of changes, every single one meaningful and important.

And sometimes changes come flying through the window, hitting you in the face.

* * *

“The godfathers have been acting weird.” Adam points out one day, half dead on the cafeteria’s chair. It was almost the end of the term, only some weeks left. He could almost smell freedom.[1]

“Adam, are you implying they have ever been normal?” Wensleydale says just before taking a bite from his salad.

Adam looks to the side. “They are not that weird-”

“Oh, come on.” Pepper interrupts, violently eating one of her chips.

“... Ok, maybe just a little weird.” Adam finally relents, gaining a baffled look from the rest of the Them. “Fine, incredibly weird, but the good kind of weird.”

“Wait, are we talking about _those_ uncles? The ones that own a freaking giant snake and eat pizza with dead rats?!” Xavier asks. He was one of Adam’s classmates, also studying english literature. They had meet 2 semesters ago and bonded over old books and the soul crushing ordeal that was university. Up until recently he had started to actually hang out with the Them instead of just watching from afar. It was… an experience.[2]

“Don’t remind me.” Pepper says exasperated.

“Oh, come on, it wasn’t that bad.” Brian says. Pepper and Wensleydale sent him a furious look. “Ok, a little disgusting but it's Crowley, you know? the willy old serpent.”

“Anyway, I was saying: They have been weirder than usual lately. Yesterday I stayed the night and it was _weird_.”

“Stayed?” Xavier asks surprised. “For some reason I thought you lived with them.”

Adam snorts. “Oh, we used to, they insisted in all of us moving with them while we lived here.” he replies.

"Woah, that's really nice of them." Xavier points out.

“Oh, it was horrible.” Adam continues.

“What?” Xavier’s eyes go wide.

“By the third day we were already looking for a flat.” Pepper added.

“Why?”

“They are _noisy_ at night.” Brian says, the rest of the Them make a face at the memory.

“ _That_ kind of noisy?!” Xavier grimaces when the Them nod.

“I think they just forgot we were there.” Adam points out.

“Oh, totally. One morning Crowley jumped in surprise when I entered the kitchen.” Brian says, chuckling. “He almost threw hot cocoa on me.”

“It was cool to have constant access to uncle Az’s books but it wasn’t worth it.” Adam sighs. “Anyway, what was I saying? Right, so I went to check on them and maybe ask uncle Az help with my theology paper-”

“You aren’t done with that?” Wensleydale sends him a pointed look.

“I was almost done, I just needed a little help, ok?” Adam laughs. “Anyway, I got inside and noticed that uncle C wasn’t at his usual spot by the window even when there was a lovely patch of sunlight just there and it was a chilly day.” Xavier raised an eyebrow in confusion. “So I called for uncle Az and walked towards the backroom when I heard a hiss before uncle C came from under one of the bookshelves to bite me!”

“He did what?!” Xavier shouted.

“It wasn’t that bad.” Adam says. Ok, it had been bad, Crowley’s snake form was huge and mildly poisonous[4] but after noticing what happened he had healed Adam immediately. The demon felt horrible for the rest of the day, apologizing to Adam every 5 minutes. “Look, uncle C would never attack someone like that-”

“Except that asshole that insulted A.Z.” Pepper interrupted him.

“Ok, fine, but she deserved that.” Adam says.

“And that poor mice.” Wensleydale says, a distant look of an old buried trauma resurfacing.

Brian hums. “And that one time wh-”

“Ok, fine. Uncle C would never attack someone _that didn’t deserve it_ and even if they did he wouldn’t bite them, is not his style.” Adam rectifies before Brian could say anything.

“Seriously, what’s wrong with your uncle?!” Xavier asks in horror.

“Look, out of context he must sound like a horrible person but I swear he’s cool.” Adam tries to reassure Xavier, it wasn’t working. “Anyway, I was saying: Uncle C is not the kind of…” He makes a gesture but _’He’s not the kind of Human/Snake shaped being that would do that’_ was not an easy idea to convey. “... well you know, he likes to bask in the sun, not hide on dark spaces, much less during autumn.”

“I swear I never know if you’re talking about your uncle or about his snake.” Xavier says exasperated.

The Them only smile back, looking almost plastic. Xavier wasn’t liking this at all.

“Did you told Zira?” Brian asks.

“Ok, here’s where it turns weirder. So after I shout uncle Az comes from the back room and he looks _destroyed_. He started to cry? He was not even mad, he just stood there crying while uncle C hugged him until he stopped to offer me hot cocoa as if nothing had happened!”

Pepper made a dumbfounded face. “Really?”

“Really!”

“He didn’t shout at him for literally attacking you?” Pepper asks.

“He did scold him when we were sitting in the backroom but it lacked any punch.”

“That doesn’t sound like Zira at all…” Brian says, pressing his lips.

“Honestly, if I wasn’t me I would have seriously though they were impostors or something because while in the backroom uncle Az got some sweet peaches and threw a bunch of olives in there? And then he ate it?!”

Everyone gasps in horror.

"Did he like them?" Brian says, almost curious.

"No! He said, and I quote: 'I just wanted to try them out, I wouldn't recommend it.' and he kept eating!" Adam says in a pretty spot on imitation of Aziraphale.

“Wait a second… you mean he had a weird craving?” Pepper starts.

“Yup.” Adam says, his face full of concern.

“And he was strangely moody?” she continues.

Adam nods, an almost scared look on his face.

“Is… is that normal for… you know?” Wensleydale asks, making a strange gesture with his hand.

“How am I supposed to know?” Adam says.

“Antichrist senses or something?” Brian proposes. Xavier rolls his eyes, here they go again.

“Well, I don’t! They have never told me about weird cravings and hissing in dark places and it’s not like they come with a manual.” Adam says.

Xavier passes a hand through his hair and takes a deep breath as Wensleydale takes out his phone. He clicks on the first link he finds and starts to skim through the article.

“Changes in temperament. Might move from basking to shade throughout the day.” Wensleydale reads out loud.

“What’s that?” Brian asks. Wensleydale shows him the screen. “Really?!”

“Well, I couldn’t think of anything else.” Wensleydale says.

“What are you talking about? Are you googling what I think you’re googling?!” Pepper says.

“I presume I am.” Wensleydale says. Adam gasps in horror as Pepper starts to laugh.

“Am I the only one not thinking the same thing you’re all thinking you think you’re thinking?” Xavier says.

“Sorry buddy.” Adam says apologetically and Xavier has to accept he’s not getting an answer.

“Honestly, I’m starting to think you think one of them is pregnant, but that’s…” Xavier stops in his tracks, his eyes going wide. “Is any of your uncles trans?”

“Er… no? kinda?” Adam tries to answer.

“Crowley does go by she sometimes but I doubt he counts as trans.” Brian half mumbles.

“Ok, what if we stop speculating and go to the source? We should ask them what’s wrong.” Wensleydale says.

“Well, let’s go right now then, is not like we have anything important to do.” Pepper proposes as she finishes her chips.

“Don’t you have midterms tomorrow?” Xavier asks.

“Nah, mine start next week." Brian says.

"Mine do as well." Wensleydale says as Pepper nods.

"We have one tomorrow, but is Mrs Haley, nothing to worry about.”

“Well, I would like to study.” Xavier says, looking to the side. “So you’ll have to go without me.”

“Oh, come on, Xavi, you know how Mrs Haley is.” Adam says.

“Yes but-”

“Wait, you don’t want to meet my uncles? Is that it?”

“... I don’t know? Like... meeting your very gay uncles that fought against their family and the government for gay rights would be lovely-”

“Not to say that one owns a collection of first edition signed copies of Oscar Wilde.” Adam says, voice low, a strange look on his face. It was incredibly tempting.[5]

Xavier blushes. “But I mean… they sound a little scary.”

“Scary?” Adam looks confused.

“More like very scary. Sometimes I doubt if they’re real at all.” Xavier says honestly. 

“Er - sorry about that. They are weird but they are fun to hang with, right guys?” Adam smiles at the Them.

All 3 of them smile reassuringly.

“Honestly, yeah, they are awesome, Crowley is riot in human-shaped form.” Xavier raised an eyebrow at Pepper’s strange wording. “He’s the original be gay do crimes.”

“Literally.” Adam says in a low voice, chuckling.

“He also knows a lot about science. It’s hard to follow him sometimes but he’s incredibly insightful.” Wensleydale adds.

“And Aziraphale’s hot cocoa is heavenly.” Brian says, smiling just remembering the taste. The rest of the Them snort.

“And don’t forget the signed copy of The Picture of Dorian Gray.” Adam adds in a tempting tone, wiggling his eyebrows.

Xavier sights. “Fine, let’s go.”

* * *

Later that day the Them and Xavier find themselves walking towards Soho after getting off the tube.

“Wait a second. Your uncles have a bookshop, right?” Xavier asks, looking at the colorful shops around Soho.

“Yup.” Brian says.

“In Soho?”

“It’s a very old bookshop.” Wensleydale says.

“Wait a second… I’m an idiot!” 

“Umm?” The Them ask.

“A-zi-fell!”

Adam raises his eyebrows. “I know it’s a weird name but-”

“Your uncle is A.Z. Fell?!”

“Eer, well, is pronounced Aziraphale-” Wensleydale starts.

“You don’t know?!”

“Know what?” All the Them say, almost in perfect sync.

Xavier takes out his cellphone and googles something, moments later he almost throws the thing at Adam.

“Mmm? Oh, that’s the shop.” Adam commented as he started to scroll through the page. It was Yelp, hundreds of comments about the shop in just one place. 

It takes 3 reviews before Adam can’t breath.

“Oh Someone!” Adam says out loud, barely containing his laughter.

“Give me that.” Pepper says before taking the phone away from him. She immediately snorts. “This idiot asked for the Bentley!” She almost howls.

“Let me see, let me see.” Brian says, Pepper gives the phone to him. “Someone called Crowley hot twink?!” 

“He _is_ a twink.” Adam pointed out, barely containing his laughter.

“But hot?!” Brian says, starting to get lost in the laughter.

“No no no, never!" Adam says, barely holding himself upright. Wensleydale groans.

“King Kong sized fanged fuck snake!” Brian shouts, gaining some weird looks from other paserbies. “Hey! They mentioned us!” He smiles brightly. “Oh! This guy catched on!” He shows the phone to Wesleydale.

“Oh, that’s bad…” Wensleydale says.

“Can you please give me back my phone?” Xavier says. 

“Sure man, I’m sorry.” Brian gives back the phone, still smiling.

“So your uncles and the bookshop cryptids are the same people?” Xavier asks. He raises an eyebrow after seeing the last review they had seen, it was a post about how the hot twink and the snake were never seen together.

“Yeah.” Brian says, Adam was still lost to the world in his laughter. “You have gone there before?”

“No. I have tried for years but is always closed.” Xavier looks at the distance, pensive. “I can’t believe you haven’t heard of the shop, is almost London folklore at this point.”

“Remember? Not from London.” Adam says, still smiling.

“Yes but you have been here how long? 1 year? and a half. How have you not heard about the shop around campus?”

“Honestly, I kinda zone out when people start to talk about bookshops, not much point when your godparents own the best one in the whole city, is it?” Adam laughs, hauling Xavier forwards. The other just rolls his eyes.

“I can’t believe this.” Xavier says.

Pepper snorts. “You don’t even know.”

They kept walking, still in a good mood remembering the online reviews. It wasn’t long before they reached the door.

“Do you have keys?” Xavier asks after seeing the closed sign. He doubted there was an open one.

Adam snorted as he walked towards the door, easily opening it.

“Wait, are you telling me they don’t close it?!”

Adam snorts. “Nah, the door has a trick to it.”

Xavier blinks repeatedly. “Really?”

“Yeah: Don’t be a customer.” Adam kept laughing as he entered the door, the rest walking behind him. “Ok, whatever happens don’t try to buy a book. Also, the snake is harmless, it’s just trying to be intimidating.”

“How does this shop even survive?”

“Through miracles?” Brian says, way more serious than what Xavier would have liked.

“Uncle Az? Uncle C?” Adam calls out.

“Oh, Adam is here, dear.” The distant voice of Aziraphale is heard. Adam gestures at Xavier to follow after him.

They walk around the maze of a bookshop until they reach the backroom, Pepper having to haul Xavier away from the bookshelves more than once. There, sitting in the old couch were Crowley and Aziraphale.

Xavier gaps like a fish at seeing them.

“What are you doing?” Pepper says at seeing the scene. It was normal to see Crowley coiled around Aziraphale, the problem was that that usually involved his snake form.

Crowley hissed, showing at them his long serpentine tongue, curling tighter around his husband. It gave the Them back pain just from seeing him.

“What the fuck?!” Xavier finally half shouts.

“Oh dear, I’m so sorry, Crowley has been like this all day.” Aziraphale says, leaving his book in the table and standing up as if he wasn’t carrying a grown ass man on his back. “I’m really sorry. What a way to introduce ourselves. I’m Aziraphale.” He offers Xavier a hand. The younger man didn’t return it, to preoccupied staring back at Crowley.

Aziraphale turns his head towards Adam, an unusual spark of anxiety and terror behind his eyes. “This is Xavier.” his godson says, smiling reassuringly.

The tears gathering around Aziraphale’s eyes go away as fast as they appeared, a bright smile taking their place, his mood change giving Adam whiplash. “Oh, young Adam has spoken so much about you.”

Xavier’s eyes go wide, the air leaving his lungs. “O-oh? he has?” he was starting to feel a blush creeping up his face.

“Yes. You’re interested in queer authors, aren’t you?” Aziraphale smiled as he walked towards the kitchenette.

“Oh, yes!” Xavier then launched himself into a long conversation about the history of queer authors, subtext and censorship, almost forgetting the strange image that was Aziraphale heating some water while Crowley was curled possessively around him.

Adam listened to it with a smile on his face, knowing almost by heart half of Xavier’s points but still enjoying the passion with which he said it.

Soon enough everyone found themselves with a warm cup of hot cocoa, sitting around the room as Xavier spoke. After a while Crowley decided to finally get out of Aziraphale’s shoulders.

“So what are you all doing here, menace?” He says, leaning against the wall.

“I can’t visit my favorite godfathers?”

“We’re your only godfathers.”

“Still my favorites.”

Crowley smiles cheekily. 

“I’m really sorry about yesterday...” He says, evading Adam’s gaze.

“Is ok. It was an accident, no?”

Crowley sighs.

“Is that normal?”

“What?”

“You being hissy once in a while?”

Crowley opens his mouth but thinks better of it and closes it. He stays pensive.

“And uncle Az is being weird as well, being all moody and stuff.”

Crowley makes a face at that. “Ug, I don’t know what’s happening with his tongue. It makes me lose the appetite I don’t even have.”

“So you find yourself without appetite?” Wensleydale says, raising an eyebrow.

“‘S not like I have one in the first place, I just don’t feel like eating.”

Wensleydale makes a sound at the back of his throat. “And what about Aziraphale? No morning sickness?”

Crowley hisses, his tongue out yet again. “What are you implying?” Adam was surprised venom was not dripping from his fangs.

“Well, is just that is a lot of coincidences. Cravings and mood swings are 2 of the big signs of pregnancy in humans and then there are the signs for snakes: temper changes, lost of appetite-”

“What the fuck?” Crowley literally spited this time.“Look, it’sss nothing. That’sss impossssible. Too much damn effort for sssomething that might not even work! You have to miracle up the other _partsss_ and make thossse twisssty thingsss you humansss have.”

“I also think that it makes 0 sense but then what’s happening to you 2?” Adam asks, serious. He was a little preoccupied, he didn’t want anything to happen to his godparents.

Crowley opens his mouth to retort. No sound came out. He also had no idea what was happening.

“Mmmm.” Adam hums, pressing his lips as he looked around the shop. What could it be? Why were his godparents like this? He closed his eyes and tries to think about anything that might have happened. He couldn’t think of anything, especially when… when… “Wait. Is it just me or…?”

Crowley and Wensleydale raise a confused eyebrow.

“Do you feel that? It’s… I don’t know.” Adam licks his lips, his eyes half lidded in concentration. Something...

“What are you talking about?” Crowley raises an eyebrow.

“Like... the shop feels weird now that I think about it. It’s barely noticeable,it feels… like always but it’s… something...” 

Crowley raises an eyebrow.

“Like… more concentrated?”

"Thicker." Crowley murmured, tasting the air. “Er, must be nothing.” he waves his serpentine tongue at Adam. At least he didn’t hiss this time.

“Can you stop doing that? Xavi doesn’t know about you.”

“Wait, he doesn’t know? not even about you?”

“Well…”

“Adam.” Crowley scolds.

“Look, it went horrible when we told mom and dad, I don’t want to repeat that.”

Crowley looks at Adam with a somber look. “Listen menace. If he stops talking to you because of a title you never asked for then he’s not worth it. A little stupid you have to lie for a destiny a bunch of wankers threw at you.”

Adam smiles weakly. “Well, I think he believes the whole antichrist thing is a joke so not much hiding there.”

Crowley huffs, exasperated. “If it bites you in the arse later I’ll be there to say _’told you so’_ and go out to watch an awful movie.”

Adam smiles. “Deal.”

After that the afternoon turned lighter. All 7 of them sat down and talked about how university was going. They had ordered some takeaway and enjoyed the night, trading all kinds of anecdotes, from Mrs Haley ridiculousness to Crowley's latest tempting.

“Now I’m mad I haven’t come earlier.” Xavier says as they walk towards the tube. 

“See? I was right. They are awesome.” Adam lightly hits him in the side with his elbow.

“A.Z. mostly, the other still scares me with those glasses.”

Adam snorted. “Nah, Crowley is harmless.”

“Mostly.” Wensleydale adds.

“Mostly harmless.” Adam repeats.

“He’s a softy.” Pepper says.

“He’s going to murder you if he hears you talking about the big bad demon like that.” Brian laughs.

“Don’t joke like that. With the tattoo and that modified tongue I would not doubt for a second he could murder someone.”

The Them looked at each other. Better not to mention it.

“But really, Crowley is such a softy, specially for kids and A.Z. Should have seen him at their wedding, I almost got diabetes just from seeing them.” Pepper says, her exasperated tone more fond than anything else.

“Do you remember how Dog almost ate the rings?” Brian laughs out loud.

“And then you almost fell on the cake from laughter!” Adam reminds him, barely containing his own.

“But I didn’t at the end and that’s the important part, right?”

Everyone laughed, the tranquility and joy of the night lasting until they finally went to sleep.

They hoped it would last forever.

\------

[1] It smelled like Tadfield: like the old chalk quarry and his mom’s homemade food and the odd mexican recipe Newt would try out for Anathema. Sometimes it also smelled of old books and house plants, a cup of hot cocoa waiting for him to finish one more chapter.

…

And maybe it also smelled a little of smelly dog, but that was just old Dog.

[2] At first he thought it was funny how they all would sometimes make references to the End of the World but after enough mentions of ‘Armageddon’ts’ and Antichrists[3] he was starting to think they were taking the charade a little too far.

[3] The Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is called Dragon, Prince of This World, Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan, and Lord of Darkness. 

[4] Crowley would like to point out that no, he wasn't any of that.

The size was completely optional. He usually prefered to lounge around the shop in his bigger size to intimidate customers but there was nothing like turning into the smallest size he could and sleep in one of Aziraphale’s pockets. Just don’t tell the kids.

Also, he was only poisonous when needed, like when they found a mice in the bookshop. The pest had tried to eat one of Aziraphale’s precious books, it deserved it.

[5] Not surprising really, Crowley - the Serpent of Eden, the First Temperer - had been his personal teacher in the art of convincing people that they totally wanted to do what you asked of them. Early on he had felt bad about doing something so demonic but that fear had gone out the window just one month after when he had convinced his teacher of the merits of a homework-less world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah moment of silence for Xavi, he’s here just for exposition. Also, poor boy is not getting that crush returned.
> 
> Fun fact: Xavier got his name because for the longest time he was just called (x) and my friend was like “why x? does his name starts with x or what?”  
>  ~~also, why is no english speaker capable of pronouncing Xavier?!~~
> 
> [You can find the hilarious Yelp reviews here!](https://itsclydebitches.tumblr.com/post/186988069745/discredit-part-three-click-on-each-pic-for)


	2. Storm

It had been months since he had started feeling it: a heavy and strange pressure all around him.

At first it was unnoticeable, believing it was his imagination or one of Crowley’s pranks gone wrong.[1]. 

It was something else. 

With time it became stronger, filling Aziraphale with its presence. He didn’t know what it was, only that he couldn’t focus on it, the idea of the _thing_ escaping his grasp in seconds.

It felt like an unstoppable fire, filling him with uncontrollable emotions: sadness, happiness, excitement. Never leaving him alone. Day by day it became stronger,more and more intoxicating. A part of Aziraphale knew it was something familiar but the memory it evoked was as slippery as the _thing_ itself.

And today it was stronger than ever.

“Good morning.” Aziraphale whispers when he feels Crowley shift around him, making whatever had been taking over Aziraphale become ticker in the air.

The demon groans, not even bothering to open his eyes before kissing Aziraphale deeply and slowly.

Aziraphale leaves the book he had been reading[2] through the night in their bedside table. He curled an arm around his husband,[3] pressing him closer. Closer closer.

Crowley deepens the kiss, desperately grasping Aziraphale's hair, wordsley telling his angel that whatever fire was burning inside him was also consuming the demon.

"My love." Aziraphale murmurs as he squeezes Crowley’s hip, repeating the phrase between kisses, wishing for it to be etched in his beloved’s body for him to never doubt again how much Aziraphale adored him.

Crowley trembles, hiding his face on Aziraphale’s shoulder so that the angel wouldn’t see the tears gathering in his eyes.

Aziraphale feels a fire burn inside of him, fury and rage at the him from the past that had broken Crowley’s beautiful heart too many times. Without even noticing, he embraces Crowley in white wings.

Aziraphale felt the fire inside him grow. He needed to erase from Crowley every doubt that had ever existed and would ever exist. Between every moan of pleasure Crowley gave out Aziraphale had laid his love, his adoration in every useless breath. Dedicating every move of his corporation to tell his beloved how much he was loved.

And it wasn’t enough. Every breath, every move. It wasn’t enough. 

Aziraphale could feel his essence, his love, threatening to split from his corporation because there was no way grand enough on this earth to communicate how much he loved Crowley.

And Crowley understands.

Aziraphale feels the demon’s being surrounding him, merging with the angel. There it was, everything that made Crowley who he was, his imagination, his brilliance, that spark of energy always behind his eyes.

That love.

They were one. Truly one. Their essense merging in a celestial dance.

There was no world around them, London puny next to their essence. Wings and fire flared in unison, their essense becoming one. Aziraphale could feel everything that Crowley was: energy and creativity and above all else love, so much love. For the stars and the Earth and humanity. For music and children, the Bentley and his plants. For the Them. 

For Aziraphale.

A love so profound and eternal. A love born in the 7th day of creation.[4] A love nurtured for 6000 years. A love that Aziraphale, so stuck in his ways, didn't deserve.

Love that Aziraphale doubted he would ever deserve. Because Crowley was brilliant and amazing and good. He deserved more, more than Aziraphale could ever give, more that there would ever be.

This demon, this serpent, who had gifted humanity with knowledge and freedom was his. Aziraphale’s.

And Aziraphale was his in return.

He wanted to give Crowley everything. The Sun and the stars. The Earth and the sky.

His love.

Because that’s what they were. The flame they had become wasn’t Holy Fire, much less Hellfire. It was the universe and creation and it was love. Flaring, powerful unstoppable. consuming everything in its wake.

They burned around the Earth, they burned in every pebble, in every drop. In every leaf, in every ray of sunshine. Everywhere and Everytime, eternal, protecting, loving each other and the world that had raised around them.

It was perfect.

It could have lasted forever.

_Crash_

Aziraphale's eyes went wide. His vision was a blur and sounds didn't make sense. He closed them again and tried to become one with his body, the sound of Crowley's panicked voice becoming cleared.

There was something above them, heavy and massive.

Aziraphale's eyes fly open. There, above their bed, was something. Almost invisible to the eye, the only proof of its existence the slight grey tint it gave their room. It was heavy and overpowering and he could see Crowley squirming next to him, trying to regain control over his limbs.

Fighting against the mass of the thing above their bed, Aziraphale takes Crowley by the waist and hauls him, rolling them both towards the floor. Aziraphale felt pain flare trough his whole back as he landed, the only thing stopping him from shouting the fact that he had not regained proper us of his throat.

"Angel?" Crowley says, his voice rough and scared. Aziraphale squishes his partner's hip, trying to communicate that he was ok. He sits down, barely capable of maintaining both his balance and Crowley's.

That's when he finally notices the state of their bedroom. It was noon, he hoped of the same day but he wouldn't get his hopes up. The window had shattered and he had landed on top of the broken glass. He keeps looking around and finds that the mirror and all the light bulbs[5] had also shattered.

"What?!" Crowley says, staring up at the mass of grey writing above their bed. The thing contracted, surprising Crowley who jumps in surprise, failing to loop his arms around Aziraphale's shoulders.

"Ith seels-" Aziraphale wanted to say it felt familiar somehow, sadly his tongue was still out of service. He keeps staring at the strange presence, noticing the strange way its color traveled through various shades of grey as it pulses weakly.

“Angel!” Crowley shouts, shaking Aziraphale out of his trance. The angel blinks slowly, noticing his extended hand, just millimeters away from the thing. 

“Don’t you dare. We don’t even know what the heavens is that!” Crowley says, trying to stand up in wobbly legs.

Aziraphale takes a deep breath and shakes his head before trying to stand up. That was when Crowley’s legs gave up.

Crowley goes sideways, crashing into Aziraphale still on his knees, making the angel lose his balance as well.

Both of them fall towards their bed and the strange ball of grey energy above it. 

It was like mist. It was solid. It was there and nowhere and everywhere and it pulsed with life and heat and so much _love_.

Oh, thats why it felt familiar.

“AAAAH!” both cried in unison as the presence left out an incandescent light, making the whole room turn pure white, blinding them. The shockwave threw them both back to the floor, falling for a second time in the mess that the window had become.

It felt like hours passed, both Aziraphale and Crowley holding each other on the floor as they tried to cover their eyes.

“A-angel.” Crowley says scared and breathless after what felt like an eternity.

Aziraphale takes his arms away from his face and looks at Crowley. The demon stood still, his mouth far more ajar than what should be possible.[6] Aziraphale touches Crowley’s shoulder, shocking him lightly but he wouldn’t respond.

Aziraphale finally takes a deep breath and stands up.

“...” The angel feels as if his essence had left his body yet again.

“ **What’sss thssat?!** ” Crowley finally shrieks, falling on his ass yet again. “‘Sss a joke?! Thssisss can’t-what the heavensss?! Hell?! What in Their fucking name?!”[7]

Aziraphale couldn’t help but share Crowley’s feeling.

There, on their bed, where just moments before an unexplainable grey mass used to be, lied a baby. 

Aziraphale stared at the little creature, their hair was an unnatural shade between pink and maroon and no sound came out of them, their pudgy body completely unmoving.

… almost completely unmoving.

Aziraphale tried to call Crowley’s name but no sound could come out of his lips. He wants to ask his partner why was a baby with puffy grey wings on their bed.

The wings were covered in a grey fuzz, resembling more a baby bird than the feathers both Crowley and Aziraphale had. It was the only body part the baby was moving, both wings flapping without rhyme nor reason.

Aziraphale didn’t know when he had sat down on their bed but apparently he had. He raises a trembling hand and slowly, so slowly, pokes the baby’s wing. The wing flutters even harder, desperate almost, but no sound comes out of the baby.

Bolder, Aziraphale touches the baby yet again, this time leaving his hand above their chest. No heartbeat, no breathing. Both wings flutter violently as Aziraphale leaves his hand there. He can feel something, the sparks of energy that allowed a human body to move, the energy firing without control, almost as if confused.

“D-don’t!” Crowley says scared, taking Aziraphale by the hand and tugging him away from the baby. “Heaven sent that thing!”

Aziraphale turns confused. “Heaven?” he says, something telling him that wasn’t right. He closes his eyes and _feels_. There, in their bed, lied something that wasn’t human, but it wasn’t heavenly. It felt… different, far more like Crowley than Gabriel or the other angels. “It doesn’t feel like an angel. Is it not a demon?”

“No! It’sss not a demon.” Crowley stands again, his legs finally remembering how to work. He stands next to Aziraphale and holds his shoulder in a vice grip, fearful. “What if those arsesss are be working together again.”

Aziraphale looks at Crowley, furrowing his brows in confusion. “You think it’s… a trap?”

“What else would it be?” 

“... A baby?”

“Yeah, no. That’sss not human.” Crowley points at the baby in their bed, its desperate wings the only thing indicating it was even alive.

“So… Heaven and Hell joined forces and... sent us a baby?”

“Yeah, it’sss cute and adorable and hasss little wingsss and then bamb! We get a knife to the heart!”

Aziraphale could hear a strange sound, it was low, almost imperceptible. "That’s… I’m not saying it’s impossible but… I don’t feel they are intelligent enough to come with a plan like that.”

Crowley couldn’t help but snort. “Well, I’m sssure babiesss don’t come from freaky ballsss of ssstuff!”

“Nor are there baby angels.”

“Ssso it isss an angel!”

“Oh, no. It doesn’t feel like one. Are you sure it's not a demon?” 

“Very sssure.”

“... So is neither angelic nor demonic?” The strange sound became louder but Aziraphale couldn’t pinpoint it.

“What elssse would it be?”

“When we… bounced against the essence… it didn’t remind you of something?”

Crowley frowns, turning his head sideways, more canine than reptilian. 

Aziraphale presses his lips and tries to put what he felt into words. 

He could barely remember the day of his creation. He could not remember how long it was or who had been there but he still remembered the moment when the Almighty breathed life into his soul.

And when they had crashed against the… the thing… he had felt like that. Light and warmth and so much _love_.

“It felt like… the Beginning.”

“Eden?”

“No, I meant… Do you remember? When you were first created?”

Crowley looks down, evading Aziraphale’s face. “No.” he sounds angry, hurt.

Aziraphale saddens. He takes his hand away from the baby and hauls Crowley to his lap, holding him. “I’m sorry.”

Crowley makes a sound at the back of his mouth and melts into the embrace. “No problem angel. We still have a baby no-angel to deal with.”

Aziraphale sights. “I don’t think it’s something bad.”

Crowley frowns, still not convinced. He opens his mouth but before he can say anything, an horrifying sound starts. It was a shriek unlike anything they had heard before. It was low in volume but the pitch was enough to make their ears ring.

They turn around confused and look at the baby. Their wings were still flapping like crazy but for once they had started to move, their little muscles spasming, as if unsure of how to properly work.

Almost by instinct, Crowley turns around and takes the baby into his arms. The shrieking gets louder, their fluffy wings flaring just to renown its violent beating. Crowley looks scared for a second before his face turns calmer, he tries to calm the infant down but it only gets worse. The spasm get worse, their little eyelids opening up to revel 2 uncontrollable orbs of an strange green tone.

And then it got worse, and worse and worse.

And it finally clicked.

This was not a human. This being had just been given a corporation. This baby didn’t know how to move, not even how to cry. They had been thrown into a world full of light and sounds and feelings and they had just casually shouted in front of the poor thing.

Crowley snapped his fingers and the whole room turned pitch black, but even then the baby kept shrieking with all their might. Crowley grumbled again and decided to just do the stupid thing and close the babies mouth. He deserved a prize because, damn, it worked.

The baby still did the strange low sound Aziraphale had heard, but it was low enough that the baby started to calm down. 

Crowley could feel the fluffy wings calm down and 2 big eyes look back at him.

“... Aziraphale.” Crowley murmurs, breathless. The angel turns around confused, having to guess where Crowley was thanks to his lack of proper night vision. “Did you see the eyes?”

Aziraphale hums in confusion. “They were green.” he whispers.

“No...” Crowley passes his hand slowly through the curly pink hair, making the baby shiver. “They are yellow and blue.” he whispers.

And being thrown at the reminds of their window for the 3rd time in a day might have been nicer than Crowley's words.

“Crowley.” Aziraphale says a little too loudly, making the baby shriek again. Crowley rapidly closed their mouths before getting yet again into a circle of pure suffering for all parties involved.

Aziraphale passes his hand through his hair and cursed internally after he noticed it was as curly as the baby’s. He turns an invisible dial in the air, letting a little of natural light enter the place, enough to at least see.The baby squirms a little, trying to get used to the fact they had eyes.

Aziraphale pointed downwards before he stands up, walking towards the door. 

Crowley shakes his head and leaves the squirming baby on the bed, following after Aziraphale when the baby doesn't cry out again.

They walked in silence, all but falling into the well loved sofa of the bookshop's backroom. That’s when they noticed that all this time they had been nude and were covered in broken glass. Crowley snapped his fingers, getting rid of the injuries while returning both their clothing.

“Thank you.” Aziraphale says. Crowley’s only answer is to fall sideways into Airaphale’s lap.

“I’m not imagining, things, right? There’s a _baby_ on our bed.”

“Yes, and before that there was an essence in its place.”

“That broke everything.”

“And felt like the warmth of Creation.”

“You serious 'bout that?”

“Yes, I am, dear.”

“So there’s a baby angel in our bed.”

“It's not an angel-”

“Well, is not a demon and I’m pretty sure humans don’t have wings. Nor pink hair.”

“It wasn’t pink exactly, the tone was more carmine-”

“Pink. And grey wings. And the eyes were yellow and blue!”

Aziraphale frowns. “I remember them being green.”

“Yeah! That makes it worse because it’s like… lines, in yellow and blue, because why not? At least having one yellow and one blue would have been more obvious!” Crowley was barely holding to his sanity.

“You still think it has something to do with Heaven and Hell?”

“Baby angels are not a thing, Aziraphale.”

“No, but I still doubt Heaven and Hell would come up with something like this.”

“They are cruel enough.”

“... Yes… but not bright enough. I don’t even think Gabriel knows what a baby is.” Crowley can’t help but snort. “If anything he would have sent an angel with an adult corporation… or worse, a child looking angel that was an expert filing paperwork.” Crowley snorts so loudly that a plant by the window[8] trembles in fear.

“Baby angels are still not real.” Crowley says when he calms down.

“I would think our little guest upstairs has other opinions.”

Crowley rolls his eyes. “Adam did think you were pregnant the other day.”

Aziraphale chokes in absolutely nothing. “That’s preposterous!”

“That’s what I told him, too much work.”

“... But we were acting weird, weren’t we? You bite Adam while hiding under a bookshelf.”

Crowley looks hurt at that. “That… it was… I didn’t want to.” 

Airahale looks sad, passing his hand through Crowley’s hair. “I know love. You would never do that. And yet you did. Something was affecting us.”

“Mr sweet olives.”

Aziraphale looks horrified. “T-that was…”

“And you kept eating them!"

“Well… eeh… like I was saying. What if we did… something that… produced a child?”

Crowley snorts. “Angel, we have been fucking for 10 years.”

For a second there steam appears to come out of Aziraphale. Maybe it was. “Crowley! D-don’t call it something so bulgar.”

“Well what else to call it?”

“Making love the human way, of course.” Aziraphale smiles slyly this time being Crowley’s turn to burst into flames.[9]

Crowley made a sound at the back of his mouth, covering his face. Aziraphale chuckles as he takes him by the wrist, kissing his demon on the nose.

“Still pretty sure most human babies don’t pop into existence like that. We don’t know what they are or where they came from and we just left it in our bed.”

“Well, what are we supposed to do, then? It’s a baby and we can't exactly leave them in an orphanage, it has wings. And I hope you’re not proposing getting rid of that poor creature in… _other_ ways.” Aziraphale says the last part serious, disappointment dripping in every sillabe.

Crowley turns away, a complicated expression in his face. It's hurt and horror and disgust and something… something familiar. “No.”

“Maybe we could give it to Anathema and Newt. At least until we discover where they come from if it bothers you so much. Little Agate would love to have a sibling.”

That got Crowley’s attention. He looked back at Aziraphale, the yellow of his eyes blown wide. He looked… he looked hurt… scared.

So scared. Pure unadulterated fear in Crowley’s expression.

A kind of fear he had never seen from Crowley; a fear that Aziraphale had known intimately for milenia. 

The fear of falling in love. Trying so hard to not open your heart.

And he knew perfectly well that it was already too late.

"T-that'sss an idea… I-I mean. Good. Good idea.." Crowley could barely rasp out. "Give it… to someone."

“Crowley.” Aziraphale says softly, taking his husband’s hand on his own, caressing the small snake curled around their wedding bands. "Do you want to keep the baby?"

Crowley gulps down, looking more vulnerable than Aziraphale had ever seen him. “It might be a trap.” he says, more to himself than to Aziraphale.

“Or it might not.”

“...It might not.” Crowley repeats softly, parting his dry lips. “It might be… ours.” he rasps out barely audible, barely there.

“Ours.” Aziraphale repeats, anxiety sitting into his stomach as the word leaves his lips.

“A spawn of our own…” Crowley continues, his eyes farway and full of hope.

“...Yes.”

“...You don’t like children.”

“Is… is not that I don’t like them…”

“No filthy little hands in your books, I get it.” Crowley says carefree, even when Aziraphale knew that look.

Aziraphale frowns, pressing his lips. The image of a little kid ripping apart his beloved books not leaving his mind. There it was, carmine curls escalating over his bookshelves and falling, taking away his time, his tranquility. Taking away his ability to enjoy a good book in silence.

His time to enjoy Crowley all on his own.

“I get it.” Crowley repeats softly to himself. 

_You go to fast for me_.

Aziraphale closes his eyes and remembers. He remembers a black snake curled protectively around some smuggled kids in an arc. He remembers a long haired man in black robes running after the children of a village as they all laughed. He remembers Crowley’s sly smile as they take the Them out for Halloween, trick becoming the default. He remembers the hushed laughs as his husband helped little Agate prank poor Newton.

And is not hard to imagine his partner smiling brightly next to pink curls and grey fluffy wings.

“You're right. I'm not good with children…” Aziraphale starts, petting Crowley’s hair. "but you are."

Crowley looks up, his beautiful amber eyes looking at Aziraphale. Oh, how he loved those eyes.

"How lucky would a child be with you as their parent." Aziraphale smiles sadly, caressing Crowley's hair.

Crowley does a sound at the back of his mouth and covers his eyes, his face turning completely red. Aziraphale can’t help but chuckle.

"Not more lucky that having you as their parent.” Crowley says tentatively.

Aziraphale presses his lips, uncertain.”Me? A boring old bibliophile?”

“So loving and kind and such a bastard.” Crowley sits up and holds Aziraphale’s face.

“Pardon me, dearest, but I feel the last one is not part of the necessities to be a good parent.”

“Of course it is. No one better to teach them how to take down a notch some wankers.”

“Would think that would be more your area, love.”

Crowley chuckles. “My area? Who always scares to death those guys in suits?”

Aziraphale looks mortified at that. “Serves them well for asking to buy the bookshop in the first place.”

Crowley smiles widely, caressing Aziraphale’s face. 

“...Can we… keep them?” Crowley says tentatively, breathless, his eyes shining.

"Do you want to keep them?"

Crowley looks at him with big hopeful eyes, his hands trembling as he nods slowly.

"Then, love, of course we can." Aziraphale says softly, caressing Crowley's cheek.

The demon stays unmoving for a second before he breaks into the biggest smile. Aziraphale could feel an uncontrollable wave of happiness and love coming from his husband. "We're parents." Crowley says in awe.

“It appears so.” Aziraphale can almost feel Crowley’s whole body vibrate in pure joy. “It would be a good idea to actually get supplies for them.”

Crowley frowns. “What would a baby no-angel even need?”

“Are we going with no-angel?”

“Is not a demon, that’s for sure. And humans don’t have wings.”

“I can’t remember from the top of my head any fiction that has given half angel half demon beings a name.”

Crowley’s eyes go wide at that. “H-half…”

“Any other theories what it is?”

Crowley’s only response is that lovely sound he does with the back of his mouth. 

“I still find ridiculous humans feel a half human half angel baby would be more realistic.”

“Very stupid, the half angels half whatever.”

“I don’t think so. Marrying you was the best decision I have ever taken. To humans a baby was the logical next step.”

Crowley almost goes as red as his hair. “You want to discorporate me?!” he half shouts, hiding his head on Aziraphale’s shoulder.

Aziraphale chuckles, patting Crowley on the back. “Do you think the baby must be hungry?”

“Can they even eat?”

“Uuh?”

“Well, they weren’t breathing - I get it, that shit 's hard - we don’t need food, we don’t need sleep. Does they need it?”

“... That’s a very good question.”

“... Oh fuck, can they poop? Did we just left a baby without a nappy on our bed?!”

Aziraphale bleached at that. “I… I didn’t take a look but… Oh, dear Lord.”

They both stood and ran all the way up the stairs, Crowley almost kicking down the door.

The baby was still where they left them, thankfully no poop in sight. Their wings were calmer, barely fluttering. They were opening and closing their mouth robotically while producing a humming noise with their throat.

Crowley walked towards the bed and crouched down to take a better look. 

The baby flares their wings at seeing the demon, their eyes going cross as they tried to focus on Crowley.

They had too much hair for the 5 to 6 months tiny thing it appeared to be[10] and its strange pink color made them even more bizarre. Their unfocused eyes were truly as strange as he remembered: strands of blue and amber scratching the iris, appearing green if you didn’t put enough attention. But all of that was normal compared to the rest. Fluffy grey wings sprouted from their back and between the legs they lacked any kind of equipment. Hey! no poop at all. That was incredibly convenient.

“They have your nose.” Aziraphale whispers, surprising Crowley.

The baby twitches just as Crowley reflectively touches his nose. “Wha? No.”

Aziraphale rolls his eyes with a chuckle as he lets the natural light back into their room with a flick of his wrist. The baby makes a pained sound at the back of their throat as they try to blink away the brightness of the room, sadly they are still far away from conquering the challenge that was actually closing them.

“Yes they do.” Aziraphale passes delicately his index fingers over both Crowley’s and the baby’s nose. The baby does a distressed sound at their back of their throat. “Sorry.” he murmurs apologetic.

Crowley takes the baby on his arms carefully. Aziraphale can see a shine on his eyes as he pets their hair. “We… we’re keeping them, right?” Crowley whispers, the baby flapping their wings in his arms.

“I thought we talked about this downstairs.”

“Is just that… are you sure?”

“I’m not the one that just moments ago insisted Heaven and Hell had sent us a baby so it could stab us later on.”

Crowley makes the sound at the back of his mouth as he looks at Aziraphale. The baby immediately let’s out a small shriek, clumsily opening and closing their mouth.

“Sorry.” Crowley says softly, resuming his slow caresses.

“You learn fast.” Aziraphale murmurs to the baby as he crouches down. Crowley sends him a questioning look. “Last time you closed the baby’s mouth to quiet them and now they tried to do the same.”

Crowley smiled at that. “Not even 1 hour old and you’re already a smartass like your dad.” he says cheekily, caressing the baby’s curls.

“D-dad?” Aziraphale barely stopped himself from shouting.

Crowley’s face fell, refexebly bringing the baby closer to his chest. “Ah yeah, I… sorry.” he mumbled, looking anywhere but Aziraphale.

Aziraphale frowns, leaving his hand on top of Crowley’s in the baby’s hair. “Dearest. I should be the one apologizing.” he whispers, holding tightly to his husband’s hand. “I told you. It’s _our_ baby.”

Crowley’s breath hitches. “Ours… You… you sure?”

“Yes my love, I am. I know you, I know how much you have always loved children and now here’s one that will not die on us.”

Crowley presses his lips. “How… do you know that?” he whispers, downcast. The baby makes a sound at Crowley, looking at him with big eyes.

Aziraphale smiles, miracling a pacifier. “Dear I would think you would be more familiar with human biology than me, specially of the little ones. I have heard humans have a heartbeat and a need to breath.” he offers the pacifier to the baby who lets out a small shriek in confusion. “And _our_ little one appears not be a fan of those activities.” he wavers his hand and disappears the offending item. The baby lets another sound of content.

Crowley smiles widely, kissing their new family member in the temple, sending a wave of love and protection. A makeshift version of family in the language of the angels.

And the baby answers back.

It's weak and formless but without doubt it means Joy. 

Crowley looks surprised at Aziraphale. “I didn’t imagine that, right?”

“No.” Aziraphale says breathless. 

_Hello_ , Aziraphale tells the baby in enochian and the baby answers back, a formless wave of warmth, making Crowley grin like an idiot.

Aziraphale gets an idea at that. _Crowley,_ he says, demonic and mischievous but so loving, so good, such a softy.

Crowley sends him an offended look as the baby responds. It feels like a soft caresses tinted with something dark.

Aziraphale congratulates the baby and they send a wave of Joy back.

Crowley then says _Aziraphale_. Curious, loving angel who takes things at his pace and it's a bastard.

“You can’t tell that to the baby.” Aziraphale gasps as the baby answers back. It feels like a soft voice, as a big bright presence.

Crowley smirks and Aziraphale shakes his head. 

Finally Aziraphale says what he wanted. _Baby_. This baby. With their fluffy grey wings and their strange presence. Not an angel, not a demon.

The baby looks back at Aziraphale confused before they answer.

Crowley grasps, almost letting the baby go, as Aziraphale loses his balance, having to fall on the bed before crushing Crowley and the baby.

The baby said Love. Pure powerful eternal love. Aziraphale could drown in it, stay forever in this bliss, embarrassed in joy and happiness and so much love.

He becomes one with the feeling. For a moment he forgets where he ends and the feeling begins. He wants to stay forever, one with this love, forever and ever.

Alone.

Aziraphale raises with a gasp, shaking away the warm feeling still clinging to his corporation.

“Well.” Crowley rasps out, half draped in their bed, barely holding to the baby.

“It appears I was right.”

“Ugg?”

“Heaven and Hell didn’t send them.” Aziraphale says a little to cheeky.

“Angel.”

“Yes, dearest?”

“Ssshut up.”

Aziraphale chuckles as the baby grumbles, asking in enochian to be given attention.

Crowley left them back into the bed, rolling onto his stomach. “You attention seeking spawn.” he says as he tickles the baby in their belly. The baby shrieking at the touch.

 _Too Much,_ the baby says. _Too Much Everything._

Crowley stops immediately, hand mid air.

“Oh fledgling.” Aziraphale whispers, sending a wave of understanding. He had been there once, 6000 years ago. He couldn't imagine how terrible it would be to have been given a corporation without an explanation.

“Fledgling?”

“A baby bird. Well, it usually refers to a young bird whose flight feathers have al-”

“Angel. It fits.” Crowley interrupts him, slowly passing a finger through the baby’s wing. The baby beats their wings, letting out a curious sound as they inhale air, a failed attempt at a laugh.

 _Here Like,_ the baby says.

Crowley smiles widely and keeps tickling them in the wing. The baby’s attempt at a laugh only gets louder, beating their wings out of tune a little too hard for Crowley’s confort.

More, the baby tells them in joy. They keep beating their wings rapidly, so much energy in such a tiny kid. 

They keep flapping and flapping and flapping until by pure inertia and a wing hitting the bed with too much strength, the baby rolls over.

They shriek, keeping their wings beating in a panic. _Help, help,_ they say in panic, their face smudged against the bed.

Crowley immediately picks them up, trying to calm them. But even when he tries to close their mouths they won’t stop. They emanate waves of fear and sadness, confusion and such a deep bone powerlessness. 

And it’s heartbreaking.

“Sweetheart.” Aziraphale murmurs, sending a wave of calmness and tranquility as he caressed the baby’s curls.

It didn’t take long for Crowley to follow after his example. Together it didn’t take long for the baby to calm down.

Crowley kisses the temple of the baby again, sending a wave of fondness.

“Poor little one. It’s a shame we can’t help you.” Aziraphale says, giving Crowley an idea.

Crowley hums. He turns his head a little to the right, noting every little movement, every firing of nerves, before sending it.

Aziraphale looks strangely at Crowley before he gets what the strange static in the air meant.

The baby looks confused at Crowley, so he repeats it. Slowly and clearly. He repeats it and repeats it until finally the baby moves their head to the right, clumsy and robotically but they move it nonetheless.

The air around them is filled with excitement and joy. The baby would have broken into the biggest smile ever seen on earth if they knew how to.

The happiness doesn’t last long enough because soon the baby mentally grumbles, apparently stuck with their head sideways.

Crowley repeats the process, this time sending how to return the head to the original position, only needing to repeat it twice for the baby to imitate him.

The baby send a wave of happiness yet again, moving their head to the right repeatedly, the movement little by little becoming more fluid and natural.

Crowley turns around and sees Aziraphale smiling lovingly at him. The demon grumbles, hiding half his burning face in his arms.

Aziraphale chuckles and decides to try his hand at teaching the baby as well. He decides to be a little more abstract, sending the general idea of how to move one's neck in every direction.

It takes far longer than the first time but finally the baby moves their little neck to the left.

They keep looking at the baby as they learn to use their body, once in awhile making a demonstration when they appear to get stuck. Soon the baby is an expert wiggling their neck in every direction, later on even being able to lift it like a baby of their apparent age.

From there is easy to teach the baby how to actually close their eyes[12] and how to produce sounds. The baby easily takes to laughing, actual laughter. They laugh with every achievement, with every smile that Crowley and Aziraphale gifts them with.

They are going over those pesky face muscles when they hear a voice but they don't pay attention. The laughter and the cheerful feeling coming from the baby drowning the world around them.

The baby finally smiles at them, sidewides and toothless and very clumsy but smiles. 

And they can't help but smile back.

_Thump._

"Crowley! Aziraphale!" Adam shouts desperate in the narrow staircase that leads to the flat on top of the bookshop. They hear him run up the stairs, more than once hitting his foot against the steps but never stopping.

"Crowley! Aziraphale!" he shouts as loud as he can as he runs through the halfway, almost falling when he tried to enter their room in pure panic.

The baby cries at the loud sound - it still didn't sound like a proper cry but it was an improvement to the high pitched shrieking.

"Why weren't you answering me?!" Adam shouts a little hurt, blinking away tears. The baby cries louder. 

Adam steps forward, his expression rapidly changing from relieved to utterly confused. "W-wha-?! It's that a baby?!"

Crowley practically growls at Adam as Aziraphale tries to calm the baby down in enochian. Adam's mouth hangs open, his eyes going cartoonishly wide. 

"What's going on?!" Adam sounds panicked, not helping the baby to calm down. Crowley stands from the bed and a little too forcefully guiding Adam to the backroom downstairs.

"Why are you shouting, Adam?" The ex-antichrist visibly shrinks as Crowley calls him by his name instead of his usual nickname.

"I thought something had happened to you! You weren't answering my calls."

"Is not like we live attached to those things." Crowley grumbles. "You know well that half of the time we don't answer."

"I know but with what's happening outside… I'm sorry, I was so scared someone had come for you…"

"Whut?"

"With those windows blowing up and the transformers-"

"How do you know about the window?"

"It's in the news."

"The what?! Our window is in the news?"

"You don't know?!"

"Know what?!"

"Soho is a disaster! There are reports of a shockwave breaking glass everywhere and making the transformers explode. Even the tube is out! It took me hours to get here!"

"Wait a second, menace. All of Soho?!"

"Yes! You didn't hear all the people out there in a panic?!"

"Of course not, Aziraphale doesn't like the noise."

Adam sighs.

"Adam." Aziraphale says, walking down the stairs without baby in sight. "How long ago did this… incidents happened?"

"Eer… 2, 3 hours ago?"

Aziraphale's mouths 'ooh', a little panicked.

Crowley turned around to look at the angel, a question in his eyes. "They're fine, dearest. They weren't too happy I had to leave but they didn't cry."

Adam looks confused at him confused before it finally clicked. "There was a baby in your bed!"

"Who you scared to death." Aziraphale scolds him.

Adam sputters, baffled. "I-I thought Heaven and Hell had came to kill you! But that doesn't matter, where did you got a baby?! You disappear for a week and you come back with a baby?!"

"Disappeared for a week?" Crowley ask baffled.

"Last I knew about you was that meme you sent the other saturday."

"That was 2 days ago!"

"No, is thursday, of 2 weeks later!"

Crowley sputtered and took his phone from the table.[13] His eyes went cartoonishly wide when effectively, it had been 10 days since he had sent Adam a meme involving the serpent of Eden. After that Adam had sent him some other memes and asked him if all 6 of them could get together before returning to Tadfield for the holidays.

"Did we…?" Aziraphale asks.

"We did." Crowley says.

Adam looks between his godparents. "What did you d-oh, oh, did you-?!"

"Shut up, menace. You're like 13 years old."

"I'm 21 and is not like you hide what you get at." Crowley hisses, going red. "Anyway, why do you have a baby?! I would think you would ask your dear godson before adopting!"

"Of course we would tell you, dear, but this was a surprise to use too."

"The spawn literally appeared from nowhere this morning."

"... 3 hours ago?" Adam asks, baffled.

"Yes. The fledgling did an impressive entrance, breaking our window."

"Fledgling? As in… baby bird?"

"You didn't see the wings?" Crowley says.

"It has wings? A baby angel?! There are baby angels?!"

"No. Baby angels are not real." Crowley says.

"Well, human babies don't have wings!"

"That's what I told Aziraphale." The angel sends a look of disbelief in Crowley's direction.

"Well, we believe them to be a half angel, half demon baby."

Adam chokes. "AH WHAT?! You were actually pregnant?!"

"No!" Crowley shouts.

"Adam! You well known that's ridiculous."

"You just say it was half angel half demon! Or were you 10 days ignoring us to make a baby?" Adam says the last part between laughter.

Aziraphale and Crowley's faces go completely red, a sizzling sound in the air. 

"Menassse, ssshut up." Crowley's words make Adam laugh harder.

"Sorry, sorry. Let me see if I understand. This morning around noon you woke up with a baby with wings, who not only short circuited every transformer in the area but also produces a shockwave that destroyed half of Soho."

"Er, you could say so." Aziraphale says.

"That's… ok - Why am I surprised? I'm the antichrist and we meet in an airbase during the end of the world…" Adam shook his head and let himself fall into the sofa. "And what's the plan? are you keeping the baby?"

"Yes, we are." Aziraphale says firmly, smiling at Crowley. The demon fails at hiding his excitement.

"You know how to raise a kid?"

"Of course we do. Look at Warlock, we raised the boy for 10 years." Crowley says offended. 

Adam thinks for a second if he should point out that Warlock wasn't a great example, seeing as his counterpart did not had the easiest life… but wasn't all that the Dowlings fault? Even 11 years later, Warlock still spoke fondly of his nanny and gardener, no matter how weird they had been.[14]

"I hope at least this time you don't try to 'balance' the demonic and angelic influences in his life. I still can't believe the lullabies you sang Lock."

Crowley looked downcast at that, somewhat still feeling they had somehow failed Warlock.

Adam smiled at the 2 ridiculous beings that had somehow ended as his godparents. "So what's the name of my new cousin? Or have you not decided yet?"

"Name?" Aziraphale ask confused, as if it was a completely new concept.

"Mm, yeah? Can't call him baby forever."

Aziraphale and Crowley look a little scared at Adam and it occurred to him that a name meant something completely different to them. 

To Adam a name was was just that, a name. At birth one would be given to you and you might change it later on for something that fit you better. 

Not them. 

Once, God had named them. The Almighty, the Creator. She gave them a name that embodied who they would be and it had been taken away from those that had Fallen. 

To Aziraphale a name was a gift from God. 

To Crowley a name was something you had to find after everything had been taken away from you. 

Angels - even the ones that weren't angels anymore - did not give names.

"You have to give him a name." Adam pointed out.

"The spawn can pick one for themselves later on."

Adam frowned. "But how long 'till he can? I wouldn't confide in my 3 year old self to come up with a good name. Neither my 11 year old self, look what he did with my powers."[15]

Crowley presses his lips.

"Any ideas, Adam?" Aziraphale asks, clear as day to Adam he was trying to push the responsibility to him. 

That wouldn't do.

"What if each of you pick a name? That way they have more options? Maybe you can give him a demonic name and an angel-"

"No." Aziraphale says stern, truly sounding like the powerful being he was.

"I-I'm sorry…" Adam gulps down, scared, ashame.

Aziraphale deflates at the look Adam gives him. "Sorry, dear, is just that…" he says, sounding yet again like the fuzzy grandpa he kinda was.

"No no. I was being stupid." Adam says.

"Glad you noticed." Adam is contractually obligated as his godson to softly slap Crowley with a cushion.

"Forgot for a moment. We're on our side." Ours. An angel, a demon, and the antichrist standing along humanity, because even at their worse they were worth it.

Both of his godparents smile, Crowley ruffling his hair fondly.

"But I do mean it. You need to give him a name. Not now but soon."

Both Crowley and Aziraphale look away. They dont answer.

Adam stands up and sighs. "Anyway, can I meet my cousin?"

"Do watch out with your tone of voice." Aziraphale says. "They are not yet used to a corporation and senses can be overwhelming."

"Ok."

"Also, they make weird sounds." Crowley says.

"Understood."

"And they can't move properly yet, so it might be a little jarring."

"Ok, ok."

"And-"

"I get it. Weird baby angel. Will be nice and quiet."

"Baby no-angel." Crowley corrects, going up the stairs.

Aziraphale rolls his eyes, following after his husband, Adam not far behind.

Crowley peaks through the door and sees the baby babbling away, trying out every new muscle under their control. He enters the room, the baby sending a wave of happiness at seeing him.

Crowley picks the baby up, not putting as much much care as before with their head. The baby grumbles in surprise as their head falls backwards but they surprise Crowley by raising it up without problem. "At this rate you're going to be crawling tomorrow." he murmurs, also congratulating the baby in enochian.

"That _is_ weird." Adam whispers as Crowley walks towards the door. "Hello there." he whispers to the baby with a silly tone. The baby goes rigid, their laughter dying down. They stare at Adam, asking in enochian who he was.[16]

Friend. Aziraphale says and immediately regrets it. Adam was not a friend. He came here at least once a week to talk about books and texted Crowley about anything and everything - from philosophy to the merits of pizza with pine and sardines.[17] He insisted on them coming to celebrate the holidays in Tadfield and had somehow convinced the Youngs for 10 years that Crowley and Aziraphale had some kind of ties to the mafia.[18] Adam wasn’t a friend, he was the godson they had never expected. So Aziraphale rectifies himself. He is Family.

The baby was confused at that. They said _Angel_ and _Demon_ and _Question_ before ending with something that reminded them of _Human._

 _Yes. He's Human. He's Family._ Aziraphale insists.

"... Ummm… Hello? Earth to Az and C." Adam whispers after some minutes of pure silence.

"Oh yeah, you can't understand us." Crowley murmurs.

Adam raises an eyebrow. "Is that an offhanded insu-wait!" he slaps his hands over his mouth. The baby winned but didn't cry at least. "You can understand the baby?" he whispers, even lower than before.

The baby tought his tone was funny, or at least that's what Aziraphale and Crowley understood.

"Kinda?" Crowley says. "Just… stuff."

"Emotions mostly, rarely very broad ideas."

They could almost see Adam's brain coming up with hundreds of questions. "Enochian?" he says in excitement.

"What a weird name you give it." Crowley says.

"It's charming." Crowley rolls his eyes at Aziraphale. "But yes, it is what you call enochian."

"He gets wings and to understand enochian and I get the apocalypse, talk about unfair… or she." Adam rectified, looking at the lack of… well, everything between the baby's legs.

Aziraphale and Crowley look at Adam, doubting his intelligence. "They're a baby." Crowley points out with a glare.

Adam should miracle away his mouth or get a new brain. For some reason it never occurred to him this was a very stupid thing to ask his very gender non-conforming godparents who had rambled hundreds of times of the ridiculousness of gender norms and how they had hindered humanity's development.

"See, stupid stupid godson you have." 

Crowley rolls his eyes. "Must be hard to deal 15 years of constant shit."

"You can't talk like that in front of the baby."

"I'm 21." Both Aziraphale and Adam say over each other.

The baby whines at the sounds, Crowley petting their hair.

"You were pregnant he-they do look a lot like you 2."

"N-no." Aziraphale barely stops himself from shouting. 

"Oh, yes, you were. They have pink hair and grey wings."

"It's carmine." Aziraphale says.

Adam ignored him. "They are only missing the blue reptilian eyes or heterochromia or something. Why green, anyway?"

"Those aren't green." Crowley says.

Adam frowns and gets nearer to the baby. They bable, staring at Adam a little intimidated. Crowley sends a calming wave.

"Oh! They are blue and yellow!" Adam says excited. "Half and half." he smiles and raises his hand to pet their hair just like Crowley moments before but he stops halfway.

"Yeah, they appear to like it." Crowley says.

Adam pets the baby, softly and lovingly. The baby laughs, moving their head around, filling the room in intoxicating joy.

"Do you really not feel that?" Crowley has to ask.

"Feel what?"

"The... the thing. Like everywhere." Crowley tries.

"The projected feelings." Aziraphale explains. Adam's decade of experience dealing with them the only thing making him get an idea of what they meant.

"I'm awful at the whole feeling stuff. I have to really concentrate."

Aziraphale hums, following Crowley who sat down in the bed.

Adam walked closer and closed his eyes, trying to feel anything, to not be so in the dark. He sighs. "Nothing."

"Well, you're human." Aziraphale points out.

Adam looks at him in a complicated way but before he can say anything his phone rings.

The baby starts to cry and Adam rapidly tries to quiet it. Half of the contents from his pockets fall but soon enough he answers the thing, disappearing downstairs.

He rapidly tells Pepper that everything was ok and that there was no Apocalypse 2.0 waiting for them. He decides to tell them later what had actually caused the chaos, he doubted the phone was the best way to tell them that Crowley and Aziraphale had been actually expecting a baby.

He returns upstairs to find his godfathers talking to the baby in enochian. The baby babbled and laughed at them. He could see the adoration in Crowley's eyes.

Adam smiled, remembering years ago when Crowley would leave Aziraphale to make chit chat with the Youngs as the demon joined the Them in becoming Tadfield's worst nightmare. Crowley would tell them ridiculous stories, teach them the most random stuff and just in general pass time with them. For a long time he had just thought Crowley liked the Them but after starting to message Warlock and the birth of Anathema's daughter he had learned that no. Crowley just loved children.

He liked how imaginative, chaotic, and free they could be. No chakled yet by anything.

Seeing Crowley play around with Agate - Anathema's kid - was heartwarming. To see the shy 4 year old turn a little bolder, a little more confident in herself with Crowley's carefree company.

And it just made it more heartbreaking that they could not have a kid of their own. They had reassured him that they were used to it - to see hundreds of friends grow old and fade away as they stayed the same. But Adam had known them for 10 years and he could see that even if they were used to it, it didn't stop hurting. If they did get a child, if they did adopt… one day they would have to bury them. Just like they would have to do with the Them and Warlock.

No parent should bury their kid.

But now they didn't have to. Somehow, in the most ridiculous turn of events, they had gotten a child just like them. A child they wouldn't have to bury.

Maybe God was not as cruel as he thought.[19]

"Sorry for that, it was Pepper asking if you were ok."

Crowley and Aziraphale almost jump in surprise with his voice. They had not noticed he had been staring at them by the door for at least 2 minutes.

"Oh, did you tell her about the fledgling?" Aziraphale asked.

"I didn't. I don't think telling one by one of the Them via phone call was a good idea. Should I not tell them?"

"Of course you should."

"Kinda hard to hide the spawn." Crowley says, petting the baby's hair fondly.

Adam smiles. "Well, I'll tell them when I'm back. Could I take a photo? So they don't think we all went insane."

"Sure." Crowley says.

"But watch out with the flash."

"And the sound."

"Yeah, I know."

Adam focuses his phone on the baby. The baby looking with curious big eyes as Adam took a photo.

"Well. Better to get going." Adam says looking at the photo. It showed pretty well the strange eyes. "With the tube down I doubt I'll be home before midnight if I don't get going."

"Oh, right. That's our fault, isn't it? We should fix that."

"Do you know how to fix the power outage in the city?" Adam knew perfectly well Aziraphale had no idea how electricity worked. There was 1 plug in in the shop and it was completely cosmetic.

"You don't need to know how it works to miracle it better." Aziraphale pointed out, waving his hand. "That should do the trick."

Adam laughed and waved at them. "Let's see if it actually worked. Will text you when I get home. Take care."

Adam might have gotten safe home, even if a little late because Aziraphale might have not properly miracled back every single thing the baby had broke. But they would not had known that after the next day at noon.

Until then they would stay on their room, teaching the baby to kick and move their little arms. Crowley too engrossed in the baby's laughing face to bother with anything else.

Aziraphale would stay there, surrounded by happiness and love, mesmerized with Crowley's wide smile. He had soon joined his partner, making sure to teach the baby how to properly move their arms.[22]

He wasn’t sure if he could do this. He still didn’t like children nor felt he was the right person to rise one. He was happy passing the days alone with Crowley, with the odd visit from Adam and his friends. It had only been 10 years since they had stopped the Apocalypse, since they had been allowed to be together and now here came another change, too soon for his own liking.

But seeing Crowley’s wide smile, his beautiful yellow eyes looking at both Aziraphale and the baby with so much love.

Aziraphale takes Crowley’s face and kisses him. The baby giggles, feeling every pulse of love coming from their new parents.

And Aziraphale knew that maybe, this might not be a bad change.

\------

[1] Again.

[2] Supposedly reading. He had been unable to concentrate on it through the night. Reading over and over the same line for hours. Too many emotions flowing through him.

[3] Husband, husband. His. It had been a decade and he couldn’t believe he was allowed to hold and kiss Crowley, much less that they had married.

[4] Day that wasn't really a day, at least by today's standards.

[5] That had worked perfectly for years even when the bookshop lacked actual electric wiring. Aziraphale knew electricity was an amazing inventions but that didn't mean he understood how it actually worked.

[6] Even for Crowley’s usual serpentine standards.

[7] God paused the game She had been playing - Her little humans were so creative! - and turned to look towards a beloved bookshop in Soho as certain demon called upon Her name, how strange. 

When She finally saw what was happening, She smiled widely.

She turned off the tv and miracled Herself some popcorn. This would be _great_.

[8] This one had also broken. It was purely by miracle that Crowley and Aziraphale had not yet heard the shouts of confusion and rage of every human in a 2 km radius from the fact that every glass surface had shattered, even their cellphones.

[9] Literally. Aziraphale licked his fingers before crushing the little flame that had started to burn Crowley’s lovely hair.

[10] Crowley would known. In his 6000 years living on Earth he had been around the little things enough to have a idea how old kids were.[11]

[11] Skill that stopped working the moment they turned 13.

He had congratulated Adam 3 years in a row for his 15th birthday and knowing him, he would do it the next year as well.

[12] Although never at the same time, so much coordination was still out of the baby's reach.

[13] The phone had just casually appeared in the table. It's shattered screen was even more pulverized than last time he had seen it to the point it shouldn't have even turned on. Crowley thought differently, so when he turned the thing on, it neither looked nor felt as if most of the screen was literal dust.

[14] Adam might have done a miracle or 2 to make sure Warlock ended messaging a wrong number that turned out to be Adam's. Since then they had been online friends. They had bonded over shared birthdays, occult knowledge and weird godparents that turned out to be the exact same 2 beings.

He was yet to tell Warlock their relationship. How in a way Adam had stolen away his parents, leaving Warlock to be abandoned by the Dowlings. No matter how much Crowley and Aziraphale insisted it wasn't his fault, the guilt was yet to leave him.

[15] As it turns out, when everything was said and done, an 11 year old antichrist had given everything up. He was no Prince of this World nor an eldritch all powerful being. He was just Adam Young, a human boy. 

Everything but one thing. Sadly he had not done the same with his powers. 

10 years later Adam would come to regret it. He still had power over reality, because what 11 year old wouldn't want to finish their homework with a snap of their fingers? but something had gone wrong, his powers turning even stronger with age and more uncontrollable. Every time he used them he would go overboard, a simple trick changing far more of reality than he wanted. 

Last month he had tried to clean some plates with a miracle but he had gone a little too far. The 4 plates could not even be stained now… nor broken. And Wensleydale had a theory that they killed every bacteria that touched them. At least they were convenient.

[16] More like the wordless equivalent of sending a sole ? through a chat.

[17] The most unholy of pizzas in everyone’s opinion but Adam’s. He really was the antichrist.

[18] That to some extend it was true wasn’t important.

[19] How mean, Adam! She thought, still eating from Her infinite bucket of popcorn. She was very nice. A model God.[20]

…

Even when the baby had also been a surprise to Her.[21]

[20] But no Mother. She had failed a little on that front.

[21] As much as knowing for 6000 years could be a surprise.

[22] Because even after 6000 years on Earth, Crowley had yet to learn to properly use his extremities. Aziraphale might find the swaying of hips very attractive but he would like the baby to actually learn to walk one day, thank you very much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know how clear I’m being with how enochian works, but here’s a run down:  
> Enochian is unlike every human language, as it completely skips the part of using symbols (words, characters, gestures etc) and directly shares the idea with the other party.  
> In enochian you don’t say book you send the idea of a thing with pages and knowledge.  
> It varies from person to person, so Aziraphale’s idea of a book would focus more in the fact that they are made to share knowledge, ideas, and stories, while Crowley’s involves more dust and bibliophile angels.  
> The baby on the other hand does not really know what a book is, so they might describe something square and big but would not even know you are meant to read them. This is described as a “fussy idea” were the base is kinda right but the details are wrong or completely missing.
> 
> ~~Also, God is playing Shin Megami Tensei 3 Nocturne. She always goes Chaos route. Her favorite is SMTIVA because she can murder an evil version of herself in all the routes.~~


	3. Who are you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, Show Creator's Style. The ending of this is unreadable without it (thanks AO3).

Crowley and Aziraphale had always been the envy of every single person that had ever dealt with a baby. Sleep and sustain were completely optional to them and they were incredibly patient.[1] Not to say about the miracles, the concept of cleaning nappies or getting a bottle to the right temperature completely alien to the duo.

But from every single baby in the world, theirs had to be the only one that barely needed to be taken care of.

It had been 3 days and in that time it had become pretty obvious how much like them the baby was. Food? No need. Heck, they doubted the baby even knew how to eat. They had thought about trying out some formula but the idea had gone down the drain the moment they noticed they would have to teach the baby how to even use their digestive tract.[2]

Then there was the fact that the baby barely cried. Without hunger nor the discomfort of a dirty nappy, the baby had barely any reason to cry, much less when they could tell Aziraphale and Crowley anything in enochian, no ear pain involved.

Anyone would had say they had the perfect baby, an angel… literally.[3] But oh no, far from it. Because the baby didn’t sleep.

Every day, all day, the baby wanted their attention. They didn’t need anything, they just wanted Aziraphale and Crowley to talk to them, to teach them how to use those pesky fingers. The baby constantly wanted their attention and honestly? they didn't mind that much, even if to some extent they were trapped in the bookshop.

“Baby of Sssch-no. Baby no-angel of Sssch-Ssschro-of that guy with the cat.” Crowley says half asleep in Azirphale’s leg.

Aziraphale looks confused at Crowley. “I thought it was _our_ baby no-angel.” Aziraphale says with the baby in his arms, the baby mesmerized with Aziraphale's bowtie.

Crowley almost chokes with his own tongue, falling from the couch in his surprise. The baby looks wide-eyed at Crowley face first on the floor. Aziraphale chuckles, kissing them on the temple before standing up.

He walks towards one of the bookshelves and passes a finger through each beloved spine, humming to himself. The vibration of his chest making the baby giggle.

“What are ya doing.?” Crowley asks, still on the floor, his expression mystified at the sight of Aziraphale holding a child. _Their child._

“Well I was thinking about reading out loud to the fledgling.”

“Umm, do you even have children books?”

“Of course I do, dear. Remember Adam’s books? And some fairy tales, like The Happy Prince and Other Tales and Grimms’ Fa-”

“No!” Crowley jumps. “You’re not reading that to a baby!”

“Dear, they are just fairy tales.”

“And like half of them are fuc-”

“Crowley!”

“No swearing, ok, but you’re not reading fairy tales to the spawn… Much less that one.” Crowley takes away the book that Aziraphale had taken just moments before, a copy of Oscar Wilde’s The Happy Prince and Other Tales.

“Crowley, love… are you jealous of dear Oscar?” Aziraphale tries to conceal his smile but fails horribly.

“Dear Oscar?!”

Aziraphale can barely stop himself from giggling. “Dearest.” he says before kissing Crowley in the cheek. “Oscar was just a friend.”

Crowley wrinkles his nose. “Friend, of course, _friend_. Like those discreet _friends_ that taught you the gavotte.” Crowley grumbles, sounding so petty that Aziraphale couldn’t help but finally laugh out loud.

“Yes, _friends_.” Aziraphale says, lightly tugging Crowley's tie. “And you’re my _best friend_.” he says darkly, voice deep and eyes half hooded. “My partner. My husband.” he kisses Crowley deeply and greedily, the demon going as red as his hair.

Aziraphale changes the baby’s position in his arms, not as used as Crowley to carrying them around. That gives him an idea. 

He walks around Crowley before murmuring into his ear. “The father of my child.” he adds _You Ridiculous Serpent_ in enochian for good measure.

Crowley practically melts.[4] “Angel!” he croaks, face burning. The wonky weave of emotions he was feeling making the baby giggle.

Aziraphale smiles, changing the baby's position. It was impressive how fast they had gotten used to holding their head in such a short time. “Well, fledgling. What do you want me to read?”

The baby looks up confused at Aziraphale, their little mouth hanging open, a question in their mind.

“A book.” Aziraphale says in both english and enochian. 

_Book._ The baby echoes back, not really understanding what the scribbles in the pages were.

 _Book._ Aziraphale repeats, bringing the baby near enough one of the most packet bookshelves, close enough that the baby could touch the spines with their pudgy arms.

The baby passes their eye through every book, not stopping until something called for their attention. It was nothing special, an incredibly boring looking book, an antique bible from 1651 that not only had a hilarious press error but was also the only Bible in existence that mentioned Aziraphale's small act of rebellion against God: He had given a sword away.[5]

Aziraphale looks surprised at the baby. They only babble back, trying - and failing - to touch the book with their stiff hand.

“No spawn.” Crowley says, taking the baby away from Aziraphale. The baby protests but they are ignored.

Aziraphale hums, an idea forming in his head. “Wait, dearest."

“You’re not reading the freaking Bible to the spawn. Almost all of it it’s plain wrong.” Crowley might still be salty that most believed the Serpent of Eden was Satan and not him. Rude!

“Oh, no, love, something better.” Aziraphale sits next to Crowley, taking the baby from him and sitting them on his legs.[6]

“There was once a garden.” he says, filling the air around them with memories of Eden. Every tree almost palpable as Aziraphale told their child about the place they had meet so long ago.

“The Almighty filled it up with life. And asked me to guard it.“ Aziraphale described in detail every animal, every fruit, every crack in the wall he had stood so long ago. It must have taken hours but for the 3 of them time did not exist. The baby looked mesmerized with it all, shaking their pudgy hands at the invisible animals.

 _That!_ the baby shouts, crying in excitement.

 _That?_ Aziraphale asks.

 _That, That!_ the baby repeats, the idea too fuzzy to really pinpoint what had excitement them. Aziraphale decides to repeat himself, going through the last animals he had mentioned.

 _That!_ the baby shrieks in happiness as Aziraphale mentions one of the snakes in the garden.

 _Snake._ Aziraphale says.

 _Snake! Snake!_ the baby repeats, laughing and wiggling in excitement, their version of a snake being a disproportionate mess of fangs and eyes

Aziraphale smiles. "Maybe you could turn into a snake, love."

"Nah." Crowley tries to say nonchalantly. Aziraphale knew better. "They’re going to get scared.” he dares to say as the baby beaten their wings in excitement, filling their minds with fantastical beings that looked less and less like a snake by the second.

“Dearest, what makes you think _our_ child would be scared of you?” Aziraphale says, raising an eyebrow in disbelief.

Crowley makes that sound at the back of his mouth. “Big bad snake, remember? It's my fault most humans are scared of them.”

“Yes, but this is not a human, it’s _our_ child.” Aziraphale stresses, enjoying the way Crowley squirms in happiness at the sole mention of the fact. “They would never be afraid of you. All the contrary.” 

_Want to see a Snake?_ Aziraphale asks in enochian.

 _Snake Snake!!_ the baby cheers, their little smile wide and toothless and Crowley can't say no to that.

The demon grumbles, standing up from the couch. He takes an unnecessary breath and morphs. The small scales doting his skin expanding, covering him in beautiful black and red. His limbs disappear, leaving behind a serpentine body.

The baby it’s completely quiet for a moment their eyes going wide in surprise.

Crowley flinches, hurt. He started to turn back when the cacophony started.

 _Snake! Snake!_ the baby starts shouting again, both of their little arms extended as a wide smile appeared on their face. 

Crowley got near them, slowly, so slowly, before softly bumping his snout against the baby’s hand. The baby immediately shrieked in happiness, drowning them both in the feeling.

 _Snake!_ They kept shouting, making it a chant. Aziraphale could barely kept the excited infant from falling from his lap as they tried to touch Crowley. 

Crowley coils around the baby, keeping them secure. The baby passes their untrained, trembling hands along Crowley’s back, mesmerized by the strange texture.

 _Snake Snake! Crowley, Love!_ The baby says, making Crowley do a whole body shudder. He raises his head and looks at Aziraphale with big, loving eyes.

Aziraphale rolls his eyes. “See, dearest?” he tells the serpent half draped in his lap, caressing the side of his face.

It takes a long time for the baby to calm down, but when they finally do, Aziraphale continues his story.

“Where were we?” Aziraphale ask the huge serpent coiled around him and their child.

“The Beginning.” Crowley answers cheekily.

Aziraphale rolls his eyes. “So. There was the garden, and the animals. And then there were the humans. Adam and Eve.” He remembered curious Eve, hauling the hardworking Adam all around the garden to see it all. Eve loved to observe the world around her, even from the start her curious nature showing full force. Adam did not appear as curious at first sight but in hindsight Aziraphale could see it, how the use of a branch to help gather fruit would later translate into inventions angels would have never imagined. She was the researcher, he was the inventor. They would have never been truly happy in Eden.

“And there was also the Tree of Knowledge.” Aziraphale stopped there, the baby grumbling as the vivid memories stopped. How could he explain Knowledge? Freedom? It was such a vast concept, too powerful. It had taken him millenia to truly understand, to learn he was also free to chose. Was he capable to explaining it to a child?

"The Tree of Knowledge." Crowley picks up his internal conflict. The Tree of Knowledge. It feels like a beautiful tree full of ripe apples and disorder. Is far from what it really was. Infinite choice, infinite knowledge, all in one small tree in the middle of the garden. Waiting to be eaten.

Even with the abridged version, the baby doesn't seem to really comprehend it completely but they want them to continue with the pretty animals.

Aziraphale chuckles and continues the story.

The baby shouts in excitement when Crowley finally enters to the scene, tempting Eve into eating from the Tree. Their excitement dwindles when Crowley is replaced by Michael vanishing Adam and Eve from the garden but soon enough is Aziraphale the one in the story, giving away his swords. The baby cheers and shouts even louder this time, surprising both of their parents.

More, Faster, Yes. The baby says, their excitement pooling around in the air, almost palpable.

Aziraphale takes a deep breath, finally reaching the point where he and Crowley had meet. He still remembered the conversation, how scared he was that he had done something Bad, and yet it was a demon that had listened to him, reassured him. Maybe that had been it, the moment he had fallen for Crowley, even if it had taken him 6000 years to notice it. Crowley had listened to him and reassured him, staying with him that first rainy night, looking at the 2 humans continue their lives after everything that had happened. Looking at the humans living their lives for millenia.

"It flamed like anything." Crowley echoes his words from so long ago with a smile on his face.

Aziraphale couldn't help but smile, saying his own lines with too much excitement to match his tone from so long ago. 

The air it's charged with something, something new and exciting. It courses trough Aziraphale, fueling him with _something_.

"I gave it away!" he finally says.

And that's when it hits him. A wave of life and excitement and so much love, even stronger than the one from the first day.

It courses through them, unstoppable and intoxicating. They don't know where they start, much less where it ends. It's all consuming and overpowering.

It's love, so much love, warm and familiar. Welcoming them. They never want to leave. It's warmth and laughter, it's infinite and beautiful and so old.

They want to stay forever. forever and ever and ever.

But they can't.

Something calls for them, far away, confused and sad.

Aziraphale gasps, his body groggy and unresponsive. He was draped in the backroom couch, Crowley still coiled around the baby even when half of his body had fallen to the floor.

The baby was crying in utter fear, desperate. The only thing that had stopped them from falling being Crowley's coils.

"Oh, sweetheart." Aziraphale straightens his back, feeling every muscle cry in pain from staying in the same position for hours. He miracles the discomfort away as he takes the baby in his arms, trying to calm them down.

He feels Crowley come back to life next to him. "They did it again." he hissed.

"But it was different. Stronger."

"Way ssstronger. I remember the sssun going down. Not up."

"Oh, Lord. How long were we out?"

Crowley turns around, morphing back into his human form. He extends his arm towards the table next to the couch and takes the cellphone that wasn’t there a moment before.

"Mm, angel. Do you want the good news or…"

"The bad first?"

"We were out for half a day."

Aziraphale lets out a heavy sight, sending a scolding look to the baby. The baby whines at that, still looking sad and scared from being left alone for so long.

Aziraphale sighs again, hugging his child lovingly and asking for forgiveness.

"And what are the good news, dearest?"

"Mmmer… we weren't out for a week?"

Aziraphale groans, having to massage his temples.

"What's happening here?" Crowley asked, standing up and stretching his legs, his walk far more unbalanced than usual.

"Last time it happened when the fledgling described themselves but this time…" What had been it? It wasn't the moment Crowley tempted the humans nor when Aziraphale had given away his sword. The baby had gotten incredibly excited at those points but not _this_.

 _'I gave it away!'_.

Crowley fidgeted in place, looking everywhere but Aziraphale.

 _'I think I've loved you since Eden'_. Aziraphale remembers a drunken confession.

"Crowley…" Aziraphale says breathless. "was that when you-?"

Crowley's tongue stops working for a moment, getting entangled in every word that he tried to say. "I-w-well…" he takes an unnecessary deep breath and softly, so softly: "You gave your sword away."

Aziraphale feels his decorative heart[7] do some pirouettes. He leaves the baby on the couch and stands up as well. "Oh, love." he whispers, taking Crowley into his arms, smiling against his neck. His husband melts against him, snaking his arms around Aziraphale waist.

Usually that would lead to other kind of activity, but they weren't even allowed to think about that, as immediately the baby asked for them. It had been half a day since they had received any attention.

Crowley rapidly takes the baby from the couch. "Who's fault is that?" he says, bopping the baby's nose. The baby's only answer is to bable back, beating their tiny wings as they tried - and failed - to close their hand around Crowley's long finger.

* * *

"Hey guys." Adam says, walking into the back room 2 days later. He leaves the bag of takeaway in the table and turns around to see his godparents and his new cousin on the couch. 

"Menassse." Crowley hisses half asleep in Aziraphale's leg, the baby belly down on his chest.

"... what are you doing?"

"I'm reading to the fledgling." Aziraphale closes said book, leaving it in the little table to his right.

"Yes, I imagined, but _what_ are you reading to the baby?" Adam says, mouth ajar.

"Pride and Prejudice." Aziraphale says with a smile.

"Pride and Pre-Az!" Adam says baffled, shaking his head rapidly. "You can't read that to the baby!"

Aziraphale frowns, Crowley snickering next to him, making the baby giggle with the movement. "It's a lovely story, charming and full of clever prose. Not to say about its status as a classic."

"Yeah, but you can't read that to a newborn!"

"Well, the fledgling is not a newborn exactly. How old you said they looked, dearest? 5, maybe 6 months old?"

"Mmm, yeah." Crowley says with his eyes closed, the baby slapping him in the cheeks while laughing.

Adam leaves out a deep sight, letting himself fall in his usual armchair.

"Already tried with a children book and it didn't work." Crowley points out, petting the baby's hair.

"That was no book. The amount of illustrations far surpassed the word count and not to say of the appalling grammar."

"Oh, go-someone! Aziraphale! It's for the baby not for you!" Adam says.

"It also failed in that regard. The fledgling didn't enjoy the dull story."

"And how would you know?" 

The look Aziraphale and Crowley sent him was enough to remind him that oh, right, baby no-angel.

"They didn't mind the story but the colors were too bright and there weren't enough snakes for the spawn's like."

"Aww, of course they like snakes!" Adam smiled brightly, straightening his back. He didn't know how Crowley could slouch in his chair for hours on end. "... wait. There are no snakes in Pride and Prejudice."

"Yeah, we noticed. Kinda hard to find stories in which they are not the bad guy."

"We had to make do with giving Mr Darcy more serpentine traits." Aziraphale says.

Crowley smiled viciously. "Is he Mr Darcy now? because you describe the girl looking like yo-uuuf!" Aziraphale slams a cushing in Crowley's face with way more force than necessary.

The baby laughs hysterically at the choking noises Crowley was making. Aziraphale stands up and takes the baby, walking towards the table. "Enough about that, the food is getting cold." he says, sitting down to find 3 plates that moments before weren't there.

Crowley grumbles, throwing the cushion to the back of Aziraphale's head. The angel doesn't even need to look to catch it with his free hand.

Adam laughs as Aziraphale offers the cushion to the baby, even when their version of holding things didn't involve their hands at all. The angel then took out the containers of chinese food.[8]

Crowley grumble as he half walked, half slithered to the table.

The 3 of them ate in comfortable silence, Adam nothing how Crowley had started to play footsie against Aziraphale. The angel ignored him.

"Sho." Adam says, still chewing his food. Aziraphale sent him a judgemental look and Adam had to gulp before being smited. "How are the names going?"

Both Crowley and Aziraphale pale at that.

"I'll take that as a bad. What have you got?"

More silence. Aziraphale takes an innocent bite from his chicken.

"Guys!"

"'Sss hard!" Crowley hisses. "They are 6 days old, there's not much to go by!" The baby giggles in Aziraphale's legs as Crowley dramatically points at them.

"Well, you don't have to go by anything."

Crowley pouts, slouching even more.

"How about you name them after an old friend? Someone special."

Crowley looks wide eyed at Aziraphale. The angel has to roll his eyes. "I would never propose that, dearest." he says exasperated.

Adam was not going to ask who were they talking about. "Well, that's where my ideas end."

"You're the one making us name the spawn!"

"Yes, because you can't call them baby all their life."

"We aren’t! It's spawn or fledgling."

Adam sights."Guys, please. What would you think if you found a couple that had not bothered to name their baby? Every kid has the right to a name or something, right?"

"Ssstop making sssenssse." Crowley's tongue flicks out, making the baby laugh.

"We're sorry Adam. You're right. Is just that… it's hard."

"Don't worry, I get it… well, not get it get it… imagine I get it." Adam gestures wildly before sighting. "Look, I'm sorry for being so insistent but I feel if I don't you won't even give it a try."

Aziraphale looks away, ashamed. The baby hits him in the belly, confused.

"Promise me you'll think about it?"

Both of them sight. "Fine." says Crowley as Aziraphale passed a hand through the baby's hair, deep in thought.

* * *

Aziraphale takes Crowley’s phone away from his face, leaving it in the table. He can hear the snake snore lightly, it was an adorable hissing sound that always brought a smile to the angel’s face. He had fell asleep going through baby name sites but nothing had grabbed them. 

He takes a blanket[9] but stops before draping it over Crowley. The baby was resting on top of his husband, babbling and asking Crowley to wake up already and play with them.

He sights, taking the baby with one hand and trying to cover Crowley with the other. It takes some fighting with the blanket but soon enough Crowley is nested in tartan-patterned warmth.

“Now, sweetheart, we’re going to let your father rest.” The fledgling looks confused at Aziraphale words, not really getting the whole concept of tiredness. 

Aziraphale sights, taking the path up the narrow staircase to their room. They had yet to decide what would become the baby’s room so he stepped inside their room, leaving the baby on the bed.

Aziraphale had never really minded how cramped the bookshop had become, even after Crowley and his plants had moved in and Adam and his friends started to come weekly after they had started university. He liked to be rodeated of his books, of this marvelous stories humans had come up with. Rereading an old favorite with a cup of hot cocoa and Crowley sleeping alongside him was something he relished. And even when he wasn’t feeling like reading, they could always go out to St James or to eat to a small unknown restaurant.

It was everything he had ever wanted.

And now that routine had been thrown out of disarray.

They couldn’t really leave. Even if the baby could hide their wings, they were still getting used to having a corporation, getting them into a crowd sounded far too cruel.

He sighs, sitting down next to the baby. "What a mess you did, fledgling." The baby babbles back, extending their pudgy arms towards Aziraphale, trying to grab his bowtie.

Aziraphale sighs yet again, untying his bowtie and offering it to the baby. The baby tries to close their fingers around it, making it clear to Aziraphale how hard it was to get them to obey. He could see the small hand tremble, the spasms of every muscle barely visible but there nonetheless. Aziraphale presses his lips, putting the hand on top of the bowtie and carefully bending each finger until finally, the baby could hold it.

They giggle and laugh and cheer, shaking their little arm without control, not caring that they really didn't know how to let go of the bowtie.

Aziraphale sits down, sighing for what felt the millionth time. How could he be mad at this little creature? So happy and loving and excitable. With their pink curls and fluffy wings. Who made Crowley laugh so often with their antics.

Aziraphale kisses them softly in the temple, the baby giggling as they beat their wings.

The baby…

They had to name them. They had promised Adam.

But he couldn't.

Angels don't give names. It is the Almighty who gifted them with a name and it was the humans who gave a name to everything around them, hundreds of times, in every language imaginable.

Not angels, angels did not gave names. What if he got it wrong? One that made them unhappy? Not to say that they were doing perfectly fine without a name. Soon enough they couldn't call them baby but there was also fledgling and sweetheart and spawn.[10]

And hadn't the baby named themselves already?

Love. That's how they had described themselves that first day. 

There was no way to translate that unstoppable wave of love into any human sounds. It was… ineffable.[11]

If the baby had been truly an angel, they would have translated it into a human language. Maybe they would have said Heel - the Lord's Love.

But they weren't.

This was no angel, this was their child, no Heaven's, no Hell's.

_Theirs._

...Was that the answer?

When the baby had introduced themselves, they had said love. And they had said it a second time when they reached the part of the story when Crowley had fallen in love.

"What are you?" Aziraphale asks in both english and enochian.

He takes a deep breath, the baby looking up at him with profound, strange eyes.

Love. The baby says, but this time Aziraphale was ready, concentrating in the world around him to stop being hurled by the current of emotions. 

There. He can feel it. It wasn't like God's love nor the supposed all encompassing love angels felt towards creation. It was far more familiar. It felt like dinners and walks in the park. Like holidays in Tadfield and slow kisses and bone deep need. It was the love that had permeated Earth for 6000 years. Love for houseplants and books, for music and beautiful stories, for the Bentley and the bookshop. For Adam and the Them and Anathema and Newt and little Agate.

The love of an angel and a demon towards each other.

"Oh." Aziraphale rasps out, mesmerized, his essence vibrating.

He passes his hand through the baby's curls, curls a color between red and white blonde. "Oh, _my child_." Is the only thing he can say.

Maybe he could make an exception.

And angel could gift a name. One that meant Love.

* * *

It is hours later that Aziraphale finally walks down the stairs, baby curled content in his arms.

He stops just before the last step. From here he could see Crowley thrashing around the couch, scrolling yet again through baby name sites. He can hear the demon comment out loud about half of them, criticising the fact that most of them were awful re-spellings of boring names.[12]

The baby babbles in excitement, calling for Crowley in enochian.

Crowley turns around so fast that he almost falls from the couch, his face almost immediately morphing into one of pure joy. Oh, how he loves Crowley's beautiful smile.

"I thought you had left to the Bahamas to find a younger husband." Crowley jokes, properly sitting[13] on the couch.

"Oh, shush, you fiend." Aziraphale sits down next to Crowley, kissing him deeply.

"Hello there, spawn." Crowley takes the baby from Aziraphale. "You didn't make the angel go crazy, did you?"

Aziraphale presses his lips. He takes a deep breath. "Not… father?"

Aziraphale can almost see Crowley stop working. It takes a good minute before Crowley raises his head. He looks at Aziraphale awestruck. "Dad Aziraphale." he whispers, hopeful.

"Maybe not dad… maybe father."

"That's too respectful, does the spawn looks to you like someone who would say father unsarcastically?" Crowley holds up the baby, giving them a eskimo kiss.

Aziraphale smiles, warmth extending through his whole being at hearing Crowley's and the baby's laughs.

"Well, how about papa?"

"Oh, no, that sounds ridiculous."

"Tons of languages use papa."

"Oh yeah but not with the accent there."

"Oh, please, Crowley, is not so bad."

"Just be dad."

"And what would that make you? mum is an option."

"I don't know, that will make them think we're straight."[14]

"Is there really a problem with that?"

"Of course there's. What’s the point if we can’t make tha Karens angry that not only we look like 2 men but also have a better marriage than them?”

Aziraphale rolls his eyes, smiling widely. "Well, maybe the fledgling can choose that later on."

"Mmm, yeah."

Crowley petted their hair, a smile on his face.

Aziraphale couldn't help but embrace Crowley, not with arms but something much more personal.

The baby cheers in pure joy as 2 huge white wings appear, cocooning both of them.

"You happy, angel?" Crowley says with an even bigger smile. The baby extended their pudgy arms, desperately wanting to touch Aziraphale's wings.

"Yes… I am. Couldn't wish for more."

"Are ya sssure of that?" Crowley looks down at the baby, passing their stiff hand through the feathers. "We could be at the park, attacking those dumb ducks. Go for dinner later… not be stuck with a baby." Aziraphale barely hears the end.

"Well, of course I would love to go out to eat but I do not wish to go back. You have wanted a kid for so long and now we have the opportunity to raise our own."

"B-but-"

"I swear Crowley. This wasn't what I would had in plan for my life with you… but I really would not trade our little one."

"Our little one." Crowley repeats as if it was impossible, as if they haven't been 6 days taking care of the baby.

"Our little one we still have to name."

Crowley grimaces at that. "Aren't you going to let me be happy for a second?"

"You are yet to find one you like?"

"There was like 1 I liked, but… it wasn't perfect."

"I know. They never felt right. What was that one?"

"Mm?"

"The one you liked?"

"Er…" Crowley looks away, his throat miraculously dry.

"Please, love?" Aziraphale knew how weak Crowley was to that particular pet name.

Crowley made a conflicted sound at the back of his mouth. "D-david."

"David." Aziraphale repeats, feeling the world for himself. The baby squirms at the 2 adults looking so intensely at them. "... It means beloved." Aziraphale points out.

"Does it?" Crowley lies.

"Wouldn't be bad as a second name."

"Second? Do you had an idea?!"

"Don't sound so surprised."

"Well, what did you think of?"

Aziraphale takes a deep breath. "Ophelia."

"Oph-wait a second. Like that one girl that commits suicide in Hamlet?!"

"Oh, please Crowley. It's unfair to every person named Ophelia."

"Not the point. You want to name the spawn after a Shakespeare play? and not even a good one."

“Well, it’s one of my favorites. You could say it was a gift from a dear friend of mine.”

“Ngk!”

“But Hamlet was not the reason I chose it in the first place.”

“Then?”

Aziraphale smiles, holding Crowley’s face. “This friend of mine is very special, you see. Long long ago he gifted humanity with Knowledge and Freedom.”

“N-not really. Eve had been eyeing the thing for ages. I just speed things along.”

“Oh, yes, she was, but without you she would have never found the courage to eat the thing.”

“Wahoo. Look at them now.”

"Yes. They made music, food and stories. So many stories. Some even for the stars you made."

"What does that have to do with anything? I just helped out, anyways." _I think I did_ , was left unsaid, Crowley's memories of Heaven long gone.

"Because, love, a human looked up at the sky once and there they saw a man holding a snake."

"Wait, you chose Ophelia because it sounded like Ophiuchus?!"

Aziraphale looked to the side, a pale blush on his cheeks. "In a way. I wanted a name that reflected you but I couldn't find it. You're so much my dearest, I just couldn't find a world that encapsulated everything you are. Ophelia was the nearest one. It's the stars and the humans and your love."

Crowley looks at him, blinking back tears. “W-wh-I-Angel?” he sputters. “Y-yo-c-they... They don’t really look like an Ophelia.” he can barely gets himself to say, so emotional.

“Maybe not Ophelia… but I do like Ophie.” Aziraphale says that last world clearer and louder than the rest. The baby immediately turns around, looking at Aziraphale with big eyes.

“You cheater.” Crowley says as Aziraphale took the baby in his arms. “You got the spawn on your side!”

“Oh, no, it wasn’t cheating, I just made a strategy before hand. Right Ophie?”

The baby babbles back.

“... You’re set on that one, then.”

“Do you dislike it that much?”

Crowley stays quiet for a second. “Ophie.” he says tentatively. The baby turns around, babbling at him with a big toothless smile. “Nah. I like it. It does fit them.” he says, petting the baby - Ophie’s hair.

Aziraphale smiles, radiant. “That settles then. Ophelia David.”

“Wait what? We’re actually going with David?”

“He was a good enough chap and I do like the meaning behind it.”

“David Ophelia sounds less awful. And it’s going to confuse the humans to he-eck and back.”

Aziraphale laugh at that. “Well, yes, this is our daughter David.”

“Our son Ophelia.”

“Ophie.” Aziraphale says, accompanying it with _Love_ and _Beloved_ and _Family_.

David Ophelia returns it in earnest, with a big smile and a joyful laugh.

* * *

menace

you can stop complaining we named the spawn c its 3 am WAIT I JUST REAF THAT FIBALLY WHAT JS IT david ophelia ophie for short THATS OK i like it Ophie sound cute kinda fits them and it’s very unisex Ophie no David nor Ophelia you're going to get so much shit for that cant wait for the assholes to hear it it's going to be fun but not as fun as sleep C, I hate you <3

\------

[1] Well, not really. Being at least 6000 year old wrapped your perception of time to the point that a baby crying non-stop for a whole hour was barely noteworthy.

[2] Thing Crowley didn’t even have. He prefered to just miracle the food away instead of actually putting effort into digestion.

[3] To some extent, as Heaven and Hell were just different political parties. But you should still say the baby is only half angel, at least to not die in a horrifying way, like being turned into a pillar of salt.

[4] Maybe literally. It was very probable it was a miracle he was still standing, his knees weren’t functional, that was for sure.

[5] Honestly, the only thing that had offended God that day was the fact that Aziraphale had lied to Her. Not for the lying itself but because how awful he was at it.

He had gotten better at it with the years. Too good, She would say. 6000 years of lying to yourself about your crush is just stupid.

[6] The baby could last a very impressive time sitting down… with help. Maintaining themselves upright on their own for even a second was completely impossible.

[7] Aziraphale liked the heart. He had started to use it when he noticed humans didn't like it much when you lacked a heartbeat and after so long one got used to it always being there.

[8] It wasn't cheap chinese, oh no, it was the expensive one that didn't even offer takeaway and absolutely no university student would have ever been able to afford but Crowley's bank account was big enough to have crashed the system multiple times. 

[9] Tartan and well loved, no matter how much Crowley denied it.

[10] Even when Aziraphale wasn't a fan of the term. It was a corruption of the word. Whatever the baby truly was, they weren't a frog nor fish and thankfully there was only one of them.

[11] If God was a more active party in the lives of Her children, She would have pointed out to Aziraphale that She had absolutely nothing to do with the kid. Sadly, She had failed as a parent long before humans had created parenting classes, so She kept eating popcorn and enjoying the ride.

[12] Thing he had invented as an act of demonic intervention.

[13] Read slouching.

[14] They also weren't gay but at least that allowed them to dress in garish colors for all of june. What did being straight gave you? a card that said 'cool, you're boring'?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can finally use the baby’s name!  
> More than once I had to edit Ophie out because this 2 were taking too long asdfsagsfg  
> Honestly, I went myself through a similar process to choose it.  
> One name I’m kinda sad I couldn’t use was Quetzal. Not only is it an actual name but is also the name of a species of birds and add to that Quetzalcoatl. Literal half bird (angel) half snake. It was perfect! ... except for the fact that this 2 are a little too english for that.
> 
> No, they weren't really reading Pride and Prejudice. It started that way but halfway through it turned more into almost an RP between Zira and Crowley in the same setting.
> 
> Also, that chat styling was fun to make.


	4. Very normal, nothing weird

"Maybe it's time we get actual supplies for the fledgling." Aziraphale says.

"Yesss yesss, we ssshould." Crowley says, coiled around Ophie.

"Some toys are a must."

"Yesss, toysss." Crowley says to eager as Ophie tries to use his tail as one.

"Maybe a crib."

"They are not even going to ussse it."

"Yes, but it would be a secure place to leave them… just for a moment. To rest… them not us, no no."

"...You're right. I'm going."

"No, dear. I'll go. You can stay here with Ophie."

"I have enough quality time with them. You ssshould ssstay."

"Well, it's my turn to go out. Remember, you went for scones last time."

"Yeah, and I promised that you would go to the cafe next time and I keep my promisssesss."

"Ga ah!" Ophie shouts in excitement., interrupting their discussion.

Aziraphale sighs, lightly petting Ophie in the head, making them giggle. "If only we could take them out we wouldn't have this problem."

"Who sssaid we can't?" Crowley says, rising his head.

"Dearest, if you haven't noticed, most human babies lack wings."

"Yeah but no one hasss to notissse it."

Aziraphale actually thinks about it. "Are you sure the fledgling would be able to deal with a crowd?"

"Are we talking about the same Ophie? Pink hair, grey wingsss, louder than an alarm.”

“It’s not really pink, more like carmine.”

“Whatever! What I want to sssay isss that they don't shut up. I doubt they will mind the noise."

"They are not that loud." Aziraphale says, looking at the baby who all this time had been babbling loudly to themselves. "... Ophie? sweetheart?"

"Aah!" Ophie shouts at hearing their new name, laughing and slaming their pudgy hands against Crowley's scaly back.

"And we can always make the crowd disssappear if they can't deal with it."

Aziraphale looks out the window[1] before looking back at Ophie's smiling face.

"Please."

* * *

Crowley miracles on Ophie some baby trousers, a little too baggy for them without a nappy. Ophie immediately cries out, not used to the feeling of the fabric against their skin.

 _Like us._ Crowley tells Ophie, holding them. The baby looks up at Crowley before looking back at their new clothes. They squirm but stop complaining. Even that worked with baby-no angels.

Crowley thought for a second about miracling them into a shirt, but wings and shirts didn't mix well, at least before learning how to get around physics.

“Black trousers?” Aziraphale says disapprovingly, miracling them beige.

“Now they look like a nerd.” Crowley snaps his fingers and turns them black again.

Aziraphale frowns and makes them tartan just to spite on Crowley.

Ophie burst into laughter, stopping both adults in their tracks. Crowley snort, miracling some white and black trousers far too stylish for someone that couldn’t even kick properly.

Aziraphale rolls his eyes and sighs, a smile on his face. “A little on the nose, don’t you think?”

“They have pink hair. What’s more on the nose?”

“It’s carmine.” 

Crowley rolls his eyes and walks to the door of the bookshop, opening it.

It was almost as stepping into other world. The noise got louder, the air smelled both worse and better than inside - lacking that musty smell but making it up with contamination. Even the sun was brighter.

Ophie closes their eyes, both this time, they had been practicing. “You ok there?” Crowley asks them in both english and enochian.

Bright. Ophie says, opening a little their eyes. They look around, getting accustomed to the lighting. _Humans!_ they say, looking at the young people walking around, at the older people going through their day… and at a dog.

Ok, maybe they haven’t say human, maybe it just means 'No ethereal/occult entity'… or it just meant 'no Crowley/Aziraphale' it was hard to tell, they weren't inviting Heaven nor Hell to meet their kid[3] just to see what Ophie actually meant.

Ophie babbles, eagerly waving their pudgy arm at everyone. 

A woman that was passing in front of the shop smiled and waved back… before noticing something weird about Ophie. Her eyes and mouth go cartoonishly wide. Ophie beats their wings, curious at the attention from the stranger.

“I didn’t know they made mechanical wings for babies.” She says, trying her hardest to hold to her sanity.

“Neither did I.” Crowley says, miracling any idea of shirtless winged babies to the back of her mind. For a second she looks confused, before she appears to remember something, rapidly walking away.

Ophie babbles in confusion, looking at the woman go. Crowley kisses them in the temple and enters the shop again. “They appear to be fine.” Crowley tells Aziraphale while Ophie tries - and fails- to look again at the street flooded with people.

“That’s good to hear.” Aziraphale says, walking next to Crowley and taking Ophie. "Let's go."

"Gaaah!" Ophie shouts, beating their wings as they go out again, walking up to the Bentley that had been illegally parked in front of the store for at least 20 days.

They stop in their tracks.

"Can't really put them in a baby seat." Crowley says after remembering the Bentley lacked actual back doors.

"Well, I'll hold them for the ride." Aziraphale says before his whole demeanor changes. "You'll not go at 100 miles per hour, right my dearest?" the tone reminding Crowley why angels would always introduce themselves with 'do not fear'.

Crowley gulps down, the most demonic part of him wanting to escape from the smiting angel. "Would never angel." he weakly says, opening Aziraphale's door.

Aziraphale hums to himself as Crowley closes the door. Ophie babbling curious as they look at the new environment.

Crowley opens his own door and gets inside. Sending a fond smile at his husband and their curious baby before starting up the Bentley. It sounded far more like a welcome than a normal car engine.

Ophie shouts in confusion, looking everywhere as the world vibrated around them.

Crowley smiles before starting to move. The first notes of Bicycle Race start to sound but a good glare from Crowley shuts Freddie immediately.

Ophie wants to ask what happened to the funny sound but they get rapidly distracted by the fact they were moving. They shout and cheer in excitement as the world passes in front of them, their wings beating in excitement at seeing colors fly before their eyes.

"C-crowley! you said-"

"I'm going at 90."

"Crowley!" Aziraphale says in anger, scaring Ophie in the process. "I'm sorry, sweetheart." he says calmly, passing his hand through the baby's hair.

"They're enjoying it. Right, Ophie?" Crowley asks in both english and enochian. Ophie smiles and shouts. _Speed!_ they say in enochian.

"Fast." Aziraphale says to Ophie.

"Faa!" Ophie babbles.

Aziraphale's eyes go wide at that. "Aren't you clever little one?"

"Er, angel… they are too young to make sense."

"That sounded to me far more competent than any of Warlock's babbles before he was 1 year old."

Crowley opens his mouth but can't deny that point.

"Sweetheart." Aziraphale calls Ophie, turning them away from the window they had been too consumed watching. 

The baby cries out in disagreement. "Faaa!" they say, their tiny wings flaring as they try to turn back towards the window.

Crowley looks surprised at Ophie, taking away his eyes from the road.[4] He's greeted by Aziraphale's smug expression as Ophie turns again to see the city fly before them, all while babbling to themselves.

"Ok, fine, the spawn is apparently a master of speech. Happy?"

It doesn't take long for them to reach the nearest supermarket, Crowley rapidly illegally parking in the most convenient place.

Ophie groans. "Faaa! faa!" they rapidly beat their little wings, telling them both how they missed the speed of the car.

"Later, spawn." Crowley tells Ophie, getting out of the car.

Aziraphale opens his own door and steps out, Crowley helping him close it.

"Maybe we should get one of those." Aziraphale says as they get nearer the door, seeing some carts with baby chairs attached to them.

"I dunno, angel."

Aziraphale ignores him, sitting Ophie in a baby chair designed for someone much bigger and without wings.

Ophie cries out in discomfort, finding that the width of the chair was too narrow to have their wings comfortably extended and folding them behind their back was even worse.

Aziraphale immediately picks them up. "I'm sorry sweetheart."

Crowley miracles himself a baby carrier. "Give me a hand, angel?"

Somehow they both get a skimming Ophie onto the thing. Their eyes wide at the new angel, beating their wings against Crowley's chest as they cheered in excitement. Crowley could almost feel the pure energy flowing through Ophie, he would love to know where they got this much of it.

They entered Tesco, Ophie aweing at the sliding doors. 

The first stop was to get some food, after a week of subsiding on scones from the nearest cafe, they were killing for something else. Sadly, it couldn't be, Aziraphale commenting in how low quality everything was. Not even the wine selection was good!

With the food mission a complete disaster, they set their minds on the crib. 

"Why do humans insist on putting their kids in cells?" Crowley comments, petting Ophie's hair absentmindedly, the baby wiggling around in the babycarrier as they kept making noise.

"They are not cells, dear, is so they don't fall over." Aziraphale says, inspecting one of the models in display, half of them had too many strange contraptions for his liking.

"Yeah but the why make it so tall?"

"Well, an older child would be able to get out."

"See? a cell. If they are trapped you don't have to check on them as often."

Aziraphale turns around. Ophie is babbling happily at Crowley's loving touch, their little wings fluttering as they take in everything around them but Crowley's face is far from happy. He knows that face, anger hiding a deep sadness for an unloved boy.

"And with those baby telly things you don't even have to check in person." Crowley continues. Aziraphale would have pointed out that it was ridiculous to think a human should spend every waking moment with a child but he knew that Crowley didn't feel like that, far from it. It was something completely different.

He remembers a day almost 20 years ago, when Nanny Ashtoreth and Brother Francis came back from one of their obligatory holidays.

He remembers turning around not an hour later and finding Ashtoreth there, young Warlock - not even 2 yet - clumsily running towards him while holding to her hand with a vice grip.

"I'm surprised they actually feed him" is the only thing Crowley says, all 3 eating lunch outside, Warlock not leaving her side for even a second.

Aziraphale didn't ask why she said that. He doubts he would have done something very angelic if she had told him.

"Maybe we could add a railing to one of the Them's bed." Aziraphale proposes, holding with a little too much strength to the modern contraption humans called a crib. "They are barely going to use it, right?"

Crowley looks surprised for a moment. "Should have done that from the start." he smiles and that's that.

With two of their plans ruined, it is time for the hardest task of them all: the toys.

It's loud and colorful and there's far more people than they expected.[5] Aziraphale frowns and a disembodied voice informes the store that there was a surprise discount in the electronics department. Up to 90%?! she says in disbelief.[6]

Crowley laughs out loud, distracting Ophie from the sea of adults running towards the front of the shop.

They walk up the colorful toddler toys and stay there for far too long. Ophie giggles and clumsily slaps everything at their reach but absolutely nothing holds their attention for more than 5 seconds. That was until one made a sound.

They shrieked as a low quality recording greeted them, slapping it again and again, creating a horrifying cacophony. Crowley almost miracles away his ears to get rid of the horrific concert but Ophie didn't appear bothered at all, all the contrary, they were almost fascinated by the fact it was their hand that produced the sound.

They were not getting _that._

Crowley stepped away from the aisle, making it impossible for Ophie to keep going with their nightmarish concert. They cried out, demanding to be given the toy.

Aziraphale rapidly took a ball with a rattle that had been abandoned in the wrong place and shook it in front of Ophie. The baby rapidly stopped crying to look fascinated at the new toy. They extended their little hands towards it, the right one slower and trembling a little. They hold it with their palms, their fingers not bending right, rising it a little in the air and trying to shake it but it immediately slips from their grasp, bouncing in Aziraphale's hand and landing under a shelf with a sound.

Ophie babbles, their wings puffing in anger. Crowley ruffles their hair fondly and kept walking.

Soon enough they found out that most toys were as loud if not louder than the one Ophie had slapped, the rare ones without sound being unusable thanks to Ophie's lack of motor skills.

The only hope left were the stuffed toys. Every unlicensed plushie was on a pile, incredibly dirty after being touched by every child that had ever walked through this part of the store.

Aziraphale takes a teddy bear from the top, shaking off some of the dirt, completely returning it to its original estate. He offers it to Ophie.

The teddy bear was incredibly soft, making Ophie shudder at the touch. The white bear was almost as big as Ophie, easily allowing them to hold it even with their stiff arms.

 _Weird!_ Ophie says with a smile, laughing as they get used to the new feeling. They shake it up and down, babbling happily. Garden? they ask, looking at the bear's eyes.

"'s a bear." Crowley says, in both english and enochian. That's the second Aziraphale knows this is not going to end well.

Ophie looks at the bear in their hands and then at the pile of plushies. They let go of the bear and waved their little arms at the pile of stuffed toys.

Aziraphale takes the poor bear from the floor and offers Ophie a dog. It wasn't as soft as the bear but it made it up by being adorable.

Ophie looks at it, feeling their fur. _Animal_ , they say, furry and with 4 legs.

"Dog." Crowley says. 

Ophie furrows their tiny brown and throw the dog to the floor. "Th-aa!" _Snake_ they shout.

Aziraphale sights. "Sweetheart. There are no snakes." he tells them in enochian as well.

Ophie cries, squirming in Crowley's arms. _Snake!_ they keep shouting.

"Hey, hey, calm down." Crowley says, cradling them. That didn't help, Ophie kept wailing in anger.

 _Fluffy Snake!_ Ophie says.

 _There Are None._ Aziraphale says.

 _Yes! Yes Yes Yes!_ Ophie shouts, crying even louder.

Crowley is desperately looking for something to distract Ophie when without reason they just become quiet.

"Th-a!" _Snake_ , Ophie says, excited.

Crowley looks confused at Aziraphale before he sees it. "... Angel." he says baffled.

Aziraphale hums in confusion.

"Angel." Crowley repeats, looking at the pile of stuffed toys.

Aziraphale turns around and gasps. "Crowley… did you-?"

"No."

"Neither did I." Aziraphale walks again towards the pile and takes something that wasn't there moments before. He takes it by the deformed head, one of the yellow eyes falling as he did. It was black and red and so ridiculously long that he couldn't find the end.

"Th-aaaaah!" Ophie shrieks in happiness at seeing a deformed stuffed version of Crowley's snake form. It wasn't well stitched and it was lacking almost all the stuffing but it was as soft as the teddy bear.

"They miracled this?" Aziraphale says in disbelief.

"I think."

Ophie extends their arms, wanting to grab the snake.

Aziraphale sights, shaking the stuffed animal. He makes it far shorter, barely an arms length, fixes the stitching, makes the eyes yellow buttons, and fills it with stuffing. He offers it to Ophie, whose eyes iluminate in joy. They can't hold to it at all, having to entangle it in their arms but that doesn't deter them from laughing, filling the air with intoxicating happiness.

"So… what do we do?" Aziraphale says.

"Do what of what?"

"Letting them get what they want after a tantrum does not sit well with me."

Crowley looks baffled at him for a moment. "Angel, they are not even 2 weeks old. Are you telling me we take the plushie from them?" Crowley shooks Ophie lightly for emphasis, the baby laughing, lovingly holding their new toy. "And anyway, they miracled the thing into existence, that's kinda like working for what they want, no?"

"That's going to be a problem, isn't it? It was already hard to discipline Warlock, how are we going to do it with a kid who can miracle everything they wish for?"

"Er…" Crowley looks down at Ophie, who smiles at him. "The Dowlings were meant to be sh-awful parents." he says almost growling, tightening his embrace. "Adam ended up just fine. Why wouldn't Ophie?" The baby looks up at hearing their name, giving Crowley a toothless smile as they shake the snake's tail.

Aziraphale can't help but smile. "I would say that was a successful first outing." he says, walking side by side with Crowley.

"What's your definition of successful? Because this does not look like it."

"Well, we did got a toy - even if Ophie miracled it themselves - and we got to pass time together outside of the shop… as a family." Aziraphale adds with a cheeky smile.

As expected Crowley went rigid in surprise, his tongue entangling in itself.

Aziraphale laughs, hugging Crowley by the waist and making him walk.

"... Oh." Aziraphale says as they finally reach the front of the store. "... do we have to pay?"

"We don't. Ophie made it."

"But it would be weird that we came out of the store with a new stuffed toy…"

"No one has to know." Crowley says, glaring at the ceiling. The cameras get scared and turn away.

"I still feel bad about it. And we have done enough miracles for the day."

"It's not like we have a lim-hey! Angel!" Crowley walks after Aziraphale towards the registry, pouting so much that it made Ophie laugh.

* * *

Valerie was fine with her job. It didn't pay as much as she would like but she enjoyed it… well, no, working in retail tended to make you lose your faith in humanity and for her it wasn't different. But she enjoyed making small talk with the nice old ladies and most of her coworkers weren't jerks.

It was fine. Just fine.

Or maybe not as fine, seeing what was happening.

She could see Janet shout in panic, asking Jon whose fault was that this was happening as 2 middle aged women fought to the death over a telly at 90% discount.

Valerie had been the only cashier left, the rest trying to control the utter chaos. Shame she couldn't get some popcorn, this was ridiculous.

She was looking at Matt restraining Lina from having a literal fist fight with a customer when she saw them. How was this possible? 2 people not interested at all in the dirt cheap electronics they had started to offer without previous announcement?!

"Uh…" she says, dumbfounded. One of the men looked more like a Doctor Who knockoff than a real person, wearing a bowtie and a waistcoat older than her grandma. The second one was not much younger and dressed like a mix between an aging rockstar and a gay disaster.

And he was holding a baby.

"Aw!" she can't help but say at seeing the baby. They were adorable, with their big curls, big smile and… and… and…

"Pardon us but we would like to pay for this item." the older one says, as if he had never bought something in his life.[8]

She had no idea what would he want to pay for, none of the men were carrying anything. 

The man turned around and untangled something from the baby she had not even noticed. The one behind the sunglass sent his partner a tired look but the older one ignored him and took a stuffed snake from the baby.

They immediately started crying, waving their arms in a strange way, af if they didn't know how to do it properly. It was jarring but not as much… as much… as much as what?

"Just a moment, sweetheart." the man tells the baby who stops crying, still sniffing and sad but not wailing anymore. How?! 

Before she could catch up with her thoughts, the older one offered her the toy. Oh… they wanted to pay for this… What?!

Valerie took the plushie and inspected it. The quality was incredibly high and it was super soft. They sold this?! Why would they sell high quality snake plushies of all things? Scratch that, why would anyone buy a snake plushie for a kid? Oh, wait, of course. The rockstar had a snake tatoo… ok.

She concentrated on looking for the tag - tail, mouth, even under the silly tongue… and nothing. Fuck.

She tried to do a quick search but snake didn't return anything from the toy department.

She could see Janet trying to explain to the crowd that no, the 40 inches telly wasn't going to be sold for £50. She took a deep breath. "There might be a problem. I can't find a tag and my manager is a little… indisposed." she says as a crowd come to the electronics section with forks and fake torches in hand. What's happening?!

She tried to stop looking but found herself with the man with white curls looking almost scared.

"I was sure I saw a tag… in… you did see it, right, dearest?" he ask desperately to his partner. And wow, they actually were partners? It was always nice to see older LGBT+ people… even when they were weird.

"Under the tongue." the other one says with a strange tone. His expression unreadable behind his sunglasses.

Valerie resisted from sighing. There was no tag.

"Yes yes, under the tongue. Why don't you take a look, dear?"

One part of her brain knew he was wrong, there wa no tag at all… and yet she took a look.

She had to bite her tongue before swearing out loud, because the tag was there now… had she not noticed it? was she that distracted with the utter chaos happening?

She passes it through the machine and has to bite another comment. Crowley plushie? What was a Crowley? She rapidly tells them the price and returns the toy, the baby smiling beautifully as they were given the snake.

"Keep the change." Sunglasses gives Valerie a note before bolting out of the store with his partner.

Valerie can't stop herself from finally swearing out loud when she sees how much change it was.

\------

[1] Miracled back in one piece. Sadly, the same couldn't be said for the rest of Soho. Everyone was still unsure of what had broken everything around the area. The government had declared it to be a freak accident involving electromagnetic waves but it sounded like bullshit to everyone.[2]

Tech companies customer service had been hit the worse, thousands of call center employees having to deal with angry people whose phone screens had somehow cracked while in their pockets.

Glass companies, on the other hand, had gotten the deal of their lives.

[2] It was.

[3] How rude! God thought. She wanted to meet Her new grandchild. Lucifer had also never introduced Her to Adam but She was expecting more from Aziraphale!

[4] It wasn't like he needed to see. The Bentley was happy to just drive on her own.

[5] Even if it was expected. It was early december and the last chance for some parents to get some gifts.

[6] Later, news would report of a surprise discount in a London Tesco where hundreds of people had fought to the death[7] for huge tv screens and video game consoles.

When interviewed later about the reason for the legendary discounts, one of Tesco's higher ups would be quoted saying. "Wait what?!"

[7] Not really, no one got horribly injured but it wasn't from lack of trying.

[8] Preposterous! Aziraphale did bought a lot of things in his 6000 years on Earth, he just had never stepped into a supermarket in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look to this very british person who totally lives in the UK and has seen a british supermarket (?)
> 
> Why does everything go horrible for the background humans in this fic?!  
> First half of Soho goes boom and now this poor retail workers.


	5. Family is all about the free food

The first thing Adam does when he enters the flat is fall face first in the couch - an ugly as sin tartan thing Aziraphale had gifted them.

"Adam?" Wensleydale asks.

Adam groans back, face hidden in a throw pillow.

"You ok there?" Brian asks, eating a bagel.

"Give me that." Adam implores. Brian doesn't think twice and throws it at him.

"3 hours." Adam croaks after disappearing the bagel from existence. "And that was after Az had supposedly fixed the tube."

"He didn't?" asks Wensleydale.

"Oh no! He did! And nothing else. The people from maintenance were going insane because everything was still broken but the train was running."

Brian snorts loudly at that.

"So what happened?" Pepper asks.

"Well, it was… oh god this is actually happened." Adam says to himself still baffled. "Hey! This is not funny, you ass!" he shouts to the ceiling.[1]

"Er… Adam?" Pepper says preoccupied.

"You won't believe this but I got to the bookshop and I found them with this." he extends his phone, the baby's photo in the screen. The rest of the Them pushing each other to get a good look.

Wensleydale’s eyes went wide like plates.

"What the fuck?!" Pepper shouts in disbelief.

"Aww! A baby!" Brian cooed.

"It has freaking wings?!" Pepper asked.

"Is it me or does she looks like half Crowley, half Zira?" Brian says too excited.

Wensleydale’s mouth was almost touching the floor.

"Was one of them pregnant?!" Pepper shouts.

"They say they weren't." Adam says.

"That's BS." Pepper says, pointing at the photo.

"I thought that as well!" says Adam.

"Baby angel!" Brian smiles.

"Baby no-angel - well, that's what Crowley said."

"No-angel?" Wensleydale finally regains some of his mental capabilities.

"Not an angel but not a demon."

"Half and half!" Brian cheers.

"More BS. Aren't angels and demons the same species? Just different political parties." Pepper says.

Adam laughs. "Yeah!"

"So the baby is a centrist?"

"Brian, shut up." Pepper says.

"Anyway, so apparently the explosion was caused because this little one appeared from out of nowhere."

"Wait, a baby destroyed half of Soho?!" Pepper says.

"Well, is a baby centralist." Brian jokes. Adam attacks him with the throw pillow.

"But wait. Did something happened to Crowley and Aziraphale? They haven't talked to us in 10 days." Wensleydale says.

"Uh… well…" Adam looks away. "They were being _noisy_."

"For a week?!" Pepper shouts.

"Yes!"

"I can't believe we lived with them." Pepper says in disgust.

"So Crowley and Zira were doing the doo for a week… and now we're uncles?" Brian says.

"More like cousins. And they were kinda pregnant from before _that_."

"Can angels and demons reproduce?" Wensleydale says.

"They insisted that baby angels aren't a thing but come on! They even have pink hair! Is like half Az and half C."

"Well, is not really pink pink… more like salmon… or carmine." Adam snorts loudly at Brian's comment.

"They are keeping it?" Pepper asks.

"Yeah. You should have seen Crowley."

"Oh, that's true, he's going to die of happiness." Pepper laughs.

"We should get them a gift!" Brian proposes.

"I don't think we have the funds." Wensleydale says.

"Wait, we don't have money?!" Pepper says in horror.

"Well, not exactly." Wensleydale takes out his phone and adjusting his glasses. "After the monthly expenses and taking aside some money for emergencies we are left with… £5 to spend."

"Wait, what?!" Brian says.

"I swear between all 4 of us we had more?!" says Adam.

"How much exactly is this emergency fund, Wen?" says Pepper.

"At least 1 month of expenses. Preferably 2."

Everyone groans.

"Wait! I thought Zira and Crowley were our emergency funds." Brian says.

"They would be our main funds if we asked. They are disgustingly rich." Pepper says.

"Well, yes, but first of all, that would be incredibly rude and second… I'm pretty sure half of that is just fake money." Wensleydale says.

"Is it? Like, Crowley loves to just fuck around with the stock market, a lot must come of that…" Brian says.

"Well, yes, but he usually crashes it."

"That's why he's my favorite." Pepper smirks.

"But I mean, most of their money might come purely from their age… but what about miracle money? They don't know where that comes from. It might be incredibly convenient for all of us, but the inflation is already out of control, we can't all-"

Snore.

Wensleydale sights at seeing Adam slumped on the couch, out like a light.

"Don't take it to personal," Brian says, patting Wensleydale im the back. "he had to walk through half of London."

They throw a blanket on top of him and go order a pizza.

* * *

menace

[ ](https://i.imgur.com/ZpkDODZ.png) where did you get a snake plushie? and one that looks so much like you. ophie miracled it what?! they can do that?! yup so they get wings, they don't need to go to the bathroom or sleep, and also get magic powers? yup that's so unfair. lol better luck next time menace don't lol me. anyway you can bring the rest of the kids to meet the spawn really? are they going to be fine with all 4 of us? ophie talks more than all of you combined i think they prefer when everyone is loud because they just wont shut up and you love it. shut up menace anyway, is friday fine with you? everyone should be done with uni by then. sure

* * *

"What are you doing?" asks Pepper as she gets out of the shower.

"Looking for baby gifts!" Brian says, still looking at his phone. "Kinda hard to think of something for a no-angel baby."

"mhuhmhu?" Adam mumbles while eating some cereal.

"Adam, please." Wensleydale says, checking that everything is in place.

"When are you getting back?" Pepper asks Wensleydale as she sits down next to Brian.

"Well, I have an essay to turn in and later I have to check something with one of my professors so 12 if everything goes as planned?"

"Good luck then. See ya." Adam says.

The others wave at him as he closes the door.

"Didn't you have a report due today?" Adam asks Pepper, also sitting on the couch.

"I emailed it. The science departments do know technology exists unlike the english department."

"Well, is the Zira department. I'm surprised they own phones." Brian comments, making Adam and Pepper laugh.

"So gift?" Adam asks, taking a mouthful of cereal.

"Yeah, can't meet our new cousin with empty hands." Brian keeps scrolling. "Oh! How about books."

"Yes! Please!" Adam groans. "Pride and freaking Prejudice."

"That's such an A.Z. move." Pepper comments.

"Oh My God!" Brian shouts hysteric.

Adam and Pepper look baffled at him.

"The perf-perf." Brian snorts. "Perfect gift for our half demon cousin!" he finally says after calming a little, showing Adam the item.

"Little Books for Catholic Kids!" Adam reads in disbelief, making Brian laugh start again. 

Pepper groans. "How did you end there?!" she says, trying to not laugh.

"I just wanted ideas for gifts!"

Adam snorts. "I think even Aziraphale would dislike half of this!"

"Why is it so hard to find baby books with snakes?" Brian says.

"I don't know. Why don't we ask Crowley?" Adam says cheekily.

"Honestly, making one would be easier." Pepper says.

"Hey! That's not a bad idea." Brian says. "You write it and I can illustrate it." he tells Adam.

"You know… I like that. We can add a bunch of snakes that way."

"You're not finishing that this year." Pepper pointed out.

"Oh, no, but maybe for Ophie's birthday." Brian says.

"If uni allows us." Adam says.

"She has 6000 birthdays ahead of her. We have time." Brian snorts.

Adam's breath gets stuck in his throat.

6000 years ahead…

* * *

Friday finally comes around. They get some takeaway and take the tube towards Soho.

"Hey! Crowley, Zira!" Brian's booming voice comes. It takes a moment but soon enough they hear someone going down the stairs.

"Hey! Nightmares." Crowley appears from the backroom, holding Ophie in his arms. The baby's eyes go wild, making a curious sound at seeing so many people. “Oh, you brought food.”

“Yeah, from that mexican restaurant we went some months ago.” Adam says.

“Awww! She’s even cuter in person.” Brian says, almost running next to Crowley. Ophie looks with big confused eyes at Brian as he looked at them with a wide smile.

“We brought that thing Zira liked last time.” Pepper says, shaking one of the bags of food.

“Chiles rellenos?” Crowley asks.

“Yeah, that.” Pepper says.

Brian keeps ignoring them, bags of food he had been carrying forgotten in the floor. “Hello there, Ophie.” he says in a silly tone, making exaggerated expressions at the baby.

_Sounds Weird._ Ophie tells Crowley while babbling something unintelligible. Crowley can’t help but snort.

“I’m Brian!” he says, his tone still silly and his smile wide.

Ophie turns their head, curious, still babbling non stop. _Who?_ They ask, looking up at Brian with eyes full of curiosity.

_Family._ Someone says from the door to the backroom.

Opie shrieks in Crowley’s arms, beating their wings in excitement.

“Hello.” Aziraphale says,smiling brightly as he softly caresses Ophie’s ridiculous hair.

“This is so surreal.” Wensleydale points out.

Crowley looks at the baby in his arms who was laughing at Aziraphale’s touch. He can’t help but smile. “I know. Unexplainable babies shouldn’t be a thing.” he says far more fond than he would have liked.

Aziraphale takes Brian’s forgotten takeaway bag from the floor and takes them to the backroom but Brian doesn’t notices, to preoccupied by making silly faces at Ophie who just stares weirdly at him.

Crowley chuckles. “Wanna hold them?”

Brian looks surprised for a second. “Er, no, it's fine. I don’t know what I would do with the wings.” he says with a chuckle, waving his hands in a poor imitation of flapping wings.

Ophie smiles at seeing the gesture, beating their wings at Brian.

_Want See Human?_ Crowley asks Ophie. The baby let’s out a curious coo, opening their wings as they reply with something that feels like curiosity.

“Don’t worry about that.” Crowley tells Brian. “Just hold them like a normal baby.” 

Brian extends his arms as Crowley gives them Ophie. The baby looks at him with big curious eyes, turning their head around as they babbled to themselves. _Who?_ They ask.

“Brian.” Crowley says clearly. _Family Ridiculous, Dirty._

Aziraphale comes back to the front of the shop and glares at Crowley, the demon only looks smug. _Thoughtful, Kind._

“Baaa!” Ophie says clumsily waving their arms at Brian.

“You talk almost as much as your dads.” Brian says with that silly tone, rocking Ophie slightly.

_Sounds Stupid._ Ophie says.

“I know, right?” Brian randomly responds to Ophie’s meaningless babbles.

Crowley lets out a laugh, even Aziraphale being incapable of stopping himself from snorting at the coincidence.

The Them look confused at them. “What joke did we just miss?” Pepper asks.

“Did I said something funny?” Brian says.

“Oh no, no, is just that.” Aziraphale says, trying to calm down. “The fledgling…”

“Oh right! You can speak with them.” Brian says before returning to his silly tone. “Aren’t you so clever?” 

Ophie frowns and babbles back, finally coming to the conclusion they don’t like that tone of voice.

“How does that work exactly?” Wensleydale asks.

“Er…” Crowley starts. “Like talking but you skip all the steps.” 

Aziraphale rolls his eyes, looking at Crowley with a fond exasperation.

“Hey! It is!” Crowley says.

“In a way.” Aziraphale tells Crowley before turning back to Wensleydale. “Human communication requires of symbols to express ideas - be it sounds, gestures or written word - but we do not require of symbols to express an idea.”

“See? You skip all the steps.” Crowley says smugly. Aziraphale lightly hits him with his elbow.

“Oh! That’s awesome.” Adam says. “A language without ambiguity.”

Crowley laughs loudly. “Good joke!”

“Far from it. You have to be clear with your ideas. Omitting too many details or not understanding properly the concept you’re trying to convey might let to misunderstandings.”

“So not even the language of the angels can compare to math, the only language truly free from ambiguity.” Wensleydale says a little too smugly while looking at Adam.

Pepper snorts. “Don’t get started.” 

“Please!” Brian says a little desperate. “No math. I took design for a reason.”

Wensleydale lets out a sight, making Ophie notice him. _Who?_ They ask.

_Family, Inteligent._ Aziraphale says.

_Sticker for the Rules, Curious._ Crowley says.

Ophie shrieks excitedly, thrashing around in Brian’s arms with too much energy.

“I think she likes you Wen.” Brian says a little stressed trying to not let go of Ophie.

“Come here, spawn.” Crowley takes Ophie from Brian.

_Who?_ Ophie asks again, confusing Aziraphale and Crowley. Ophie babbles loudly, awkwardly moving their arms.

Aziraphale stays pensive for a moment. “Wen.” he says loud and clearly, finally understanding what was Ophie’s actual question.

“Waaaah!” Ophie tries to imitate him.

Wensleydale looks confused at them.

“Wensleydale might be a little too long for the fledgling.” Aziraphale half explains.

Wensleydale frowns. “Isn’t he a little too young for that?”

“To start talking?” Crowley asks. Wensleydale nods. “Yeah, but it's not like the spawn cares for the rules.” he continues, ruffling Ophie’s hair with a fond smile.

“Aren’t you clever?” Brian tells Ophie with the silly tone of voice. Ophie babbles back at him, a little offended at that tone.

The other 3 look surprised at Ophie.

“Ophie.” Crowley says, immediately taking the baby’s attention away from Brian. They babble, beating their wings happily at hearing their name.

“Who’s that?” Crowley says in enochian as well as he points at Adam.

“A-aaaah!” Ophie tries, their d still needing practice.

“They know my name?!” Adam asks surprised.

“Of course. You bring us things to eat that aren’t freaking scones!” Crowley grumbles, not wanting to see another scone in his life.

“Yeah but I have done it like… 2 times.” Adam says.

“Trice with this one.” Aziraphale says, wishfully looking at the bag that Pepper was still holding and that surely had his food.

Pepper rolls her eyes. “Yeah yeah, all yours.” she says giving him the bag.

_Who?_ Ophie shrieks excitedly, robotically slapping Crowley in the cheek.

“Pepper.” Crowley says. _Chaotic, Takes what she Wants._

Aziraphale frowns at him. _Hard Working._ He corrects.

Crowley smiles smugly. _Works hard… to Crush her Enemies._

Aziraphale looks appalled at that, making Ophie laugh.

“I don’t remember them spacing out this much.” Pepper says.

“Yeah! They have always done the creepy talking without talking but it wasn’t this literal. It was the usual lovey dovey kind of mind reading, not the literal one.” Brian says.

Adam snorts loudly.

Aziraphale turns around and looks judgmentally at them, making Adam laugh harder. The angel sighs.

“Now that I think about it, it has been a long time since we spoke like this.” Aziraphale says, walking towards the backroom.

“I can't even remember last time.” Crowley says pensive, adjusting Ophie in his arms. “Ur 3000 bc?”

“That long? I remember you warning me about another demon in Camelot.”

“That doesn’t count, I only said shi-that and jumped through the window.”

Aziraphale chuckles at the memory.

“Guys, stop, I’m starving.” Pepper says.

“Shhh! I want to know what happened!” Brian says.

“Wait, you haven't spoken with each other in your original language for at least centuries?” Wensleydale asks as he helps Adam look for the plates in the backroom.

“Bunch of trouble.” Crowley mumbles.

“Its something humans tend to notice.You yourselves mentioned it.” Aziraphale says, helping the boys look for the plates, rapidly taking them from a cupboard that had been empty seconds before. “It’s like breathing, you somehow always notice something's not quite right.” 

Pepper raises a brown “I think is less the language and more that they forgot about everything when they are together.” she whispers in Brian’s ear He can barely hold his laughter at the comment.

“Really? I don’t think I would notice if you stopped breathing.” Adam points out, sitting down and distributing the food.

“You would be surprised. Breathing is such a key part of human life that the lack of it is jarring.” Aziraphale says, taking his own food out of the bag.[2]

Crowley smile mischievously, taking Ophie’s stuffed snake from the couch and giving it to them. The baby shrieks in happiness, drowning the whole place in it. Crowley can’t help but smile, taking a seat next to Aziraphale and stealing some of Brian’s tacos.

They all eat in silence, Wensleydale looking at Crowley in between bites. Something wasn’t sitting right with him.

That’s when he noticed how Ophie was holding their toy - or more like how they weren't holding it. The only thing stopping the snake from falling was the fact it was draped over their shoulder, Ophie’s fingers trembling slightly as they stood stiff without closing around the toy. Their little hands lacked the strength to properly hold the toy between them but that doesn’t stopped the baby from lovingly and clumsily hugging their toy.

Wensleydale presses his lips before adjusting his glasses. “Have you noticed… er… Ophie’s motor problems?” 

Crowley frowns, looking confused at Wensleydale. He looks downwards at the baby half lying on his legs. Ophie smiles brightly and robotically shakes their toy at Crowley. “You mean the hands?” he says, ruffling Ophie’s hair.

“Completely understandable.” Aziraphale says, cleaning his mouth. “The fingers specially, they are notoriously hard to control.”

Brian looks down at his hands and easily closes them, not understanding what was hard about it.

“Babies do have problems, specially with the most delicate movements, but I’m yet to see Ophie at least make a fist.” Wensleydale says.

“Because that’s hard.” Crowley says as if doubting in Wensleydale’s intelligence.

Wensleydale looks confused at him. “What I’m trying to say is that it might be a good idea to check with a pediatrician.” 

Crowley looks baffled at him.

“I do understand your concert, Wensleydale, but the problem comes from a lack of understanding instead of something more serious.”[3] Aziraphale says.

“So the problem comes from Ophie lacking information of the proper use of the muscles?” Wensleydale asks.

“Yeah. You cheat and come with it all pre programed, we have to figure it on our own." Crowley says.

“Oh! Is that why you walk weird?” Brian says, his food half eaten in his mouth.

“My walk is fine!” Crowley half growled.

Everyone burst out into laughter, even Aziraphale can’t help but chuckle at that.

Crowley humphs offended, eating in one bite what was left in his plate. The Them jerk in disgust Crowley smiling smugly at their reactions.

Aziraphale sights exasperated, sending a scolding look the demon completely ignored.

Brian chuckles and keeps eating, staring at Crowley. “... Hey, Crowley, are you ok?”

“Mm? Yeah, why?”

“Eh, I don’t know, it was like.. Oh! You bast-”

“Language!” Aziraphale scolds Brian.

“Sorry! But Crowley stopped breathing! You… you jerk!”

“See? You do notice.” Crowley says, sprawling in his chair.

“But he only knew because we talked about that.” Adam says.

“But Brian still noticed something was out of place, even if he couldn't have pointed out what.” Aziraphale says.

“Wait wait wait.” Pepper says. “You don’t need to breath, so if you do it it’s only for apparences… you have to manually do it?”

“Yeah.” Crowley says.

“Great, now _I’m_ manually breathing.” Brian says to himself.

“And I imagine every bodily function is also manual?” Wensleydale says baffled.

“Oh yes, ‘s a pain in the… you know where. Specially the heart.” Crowley says.

“Is not that bad.” Aziraphale says.

“How is it not that bad? You have to do it all the time just in case someone tries to touch your wrist or something!”

“Are you telling me that you have been actively doing all this stuff manually… for 6000 years?!” Adam half shouts.

“Well, after some time we got used to it, I imagine at this point we are as good as any of you would be at it.” Aziraphale says and Brian has to laugh at the idea of being good at using a heart.

“But that took ages.” Crowley grumbles.

“How long exactly? Because Ophie has to also learn to breath, right?” Pepper says.

Both Crowley and Aziraphale look in horror at that. “Centuries.” Aziraphale whispers preoccupied.

“Yeah… you can’t keep miracling people from noticing that long…” Adam says. He never liked that, it felt like a violation to just erase something from people’s mind.

The atmosphere turns somber. Ophie looks confused at the silence, babbling at Crowley to keep talking.

“Hey, aren’t we exaggerating?” Brian says. “Yeah, people will think something is wrong but they can’t possibly know is because Ophie doesn’t need to breathe. I doubt anyone will ask ‘hey, why aren’t you breathing?’... but they will ask for the wings.” he anxiously chuckles.

“You have a good point, dear Brian.” Aziraphale smiles. “we just have to teach the fledgling how to hide their wings.”

“Easy. Right spawn?” Crowley says, poking Ophie’s nose.

“Paaa!” Ophie says in between laughter.

“They already know how?” Adam asks surprised.

“Nah.” Crowley says.

“But is nothing out of the ordinary, they should not have trouble with it.” Aziraphale says.

“Using a heart is hard but not disappearing your wings to a magical pocket.” Pepper says in disbelief.

“Exactly, isn’t that a little strange? You know instinctively how to control your wings but not your bodies, even when both are physical.” Wensleydale says.

“What wings? I don’t see any wings, maybe you need new glasses, brains.” Crowley says smugly.

“But I clearly remember you explained to us they were always there, even if invisible.” Wensleydale returns the smug smile, making Crowley grumble. “What’s the difference between your body and your wings? Both are physical, unlike… er… your… true form?”

Crowley and Aziraphale look at each other, not really knowing how to answer.

“Wait, I thought those were part of their true self or whatever? Metaphysical even if sometimes they are not?” Adam answers for them. They silently thank him from saving them. “Like.. they are there… but not there at the same time so…”

“Adam Young, the english major.” Crowley reflectively teases him. 

Adam rolls his eyes in fond exasperation. “Pot calling kettle. You’re the worst at explaining yourself.”

“‘S not my fault you change the language whenever you want.” Crowley says.

Aziraphale sighs fondly.

“Anyway, when are you going back?” Crowley asks.

“Early sunday.” Wensleydale says.

“We’re talking that very convenient bus that used to not pass through London.” Pepper says, barely holding her laugh.

“You’re welcome.” Crowley says.

“Is not convenient when it only leaves at 6 am.” Brian whines, slamming his head against the table. “It should be illegal to wake up that early.”

“We could take you with us instead.” Crowley says.

“I thought you weren’t going with Anathema this holiday.” Adam says surprised.

“I thought so as well.” Aziraphale says, sending Crowley a baffled look.

Crowley points at Ophie who had been babbling to themselves for the whole day. When they see Crowley’s hand on top of them, they shriek, waving their pudgy arm in an attempt to take Crowley’s finger. “We weren’t going because of the spawn but look at them. I don’t remember the last time they wanted silence. You just won’t shut up.” along with that last part he softly says _Love_ in enochian.

Ophie’s eyes go wild, shrieking as they excitedly beat their wings. _Love Love!_ they shout 

Aziraphale melts into a smile as Crowley hugs Ophie. “They will love going with the witch and have more people under their control. Right spawn?”

"Paaa! paaa!" Ophie says.

Aziraphale lets out a deep sight.

“Oh! You could go take a walk outside and not bother about people seeing the wings!” Brian says.

“Unless Mr Tyler is looking out the window.” Adam says.

“When is he not looking out the window?” Pepper points out.

“Ok, ok. But what about the forest? Is pretty and no one goes there.” Brian says.

“That’s an option.” Aziraphale says. “It’s an alternative, seeing as we can’t exactly take them to a park.” Oh, how he missed going to St James.

“Are there ducks?” Crowley asks.

“I think I saw ones in the outskirts. Why?” Wensleydale says.

Crowley smiles mischievously. “Oh, nothing in particular. I’m going to tell the witch then.” he stands up, going upstairs to find his phone.

Aziraphale’s eyes go wide. “You’re not teaching the fledgling how to drown ducks!”

Even Wensleydale can’t help but laugh out loud.

\------

[1] Why did everyone thought this was Her fault? She was just here doing nothing while enjoying the chaos.

[2] That surprisingly was still hot.

[3] Adam would point out that not understanding how your body works is kind of a serious problem but he prefered to keep eating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me after writing the chat part: oh shit, I need an actual drawing.  
> EDIT: updated that thing because I hated it. I'll hate the new one tomorrow but that's a problem for future Luca.
> 
> am I the only one that dislikes 99% of all modern emojis? they look so... fake. I get homogenizing them for less confusion but now they lack all the expressiveness.


	6. Would say first words but we lost the count.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters 6, 7, and 8 were going to be about the holidays in Tadfield but I got stuck so we’re skipping that for now.

Aziraphale opens the door, the small sound of the bell filling him with warmth as he moves aside to let Crowley in. It had been 2 weeks since they had gone to Tadfield to pass the holidays and it was nice to be back home.

He closes the door and leaves their suitcase next to one of Crowley’s plants.[1]

Ophie cheered at seeing the books and the plants. It feels like happy and familiar.

Aziraphale smiles. “Home.” he says clearly, booping Ophie in the nose. 

Ophie laughs. “Hoooo-mmmm!” they tried to imitate Aziraphale.

Home. Theirs. An angel, a demon, and something new. Happy and familiar and _home_

“Are you alright, dearest?” Aziraphale asks when he hears a sizzling sound coming from Crowley.

“Y-yeah!” Crowley croaks, feeling more like a puddle of rainbows and sunshines that the eldritch being of pure evil he was.[2]

“Paaa!” Ophie says a little confused, noting how Crowley could barely hold them upright.

“Pa is fine, spawn.” Crowley mumbles, changing his grip on Ophie who looks confused at his words.

Aziraphale smiles cheekily. “Pa?”

Crowley goes red at that. “Well, it’s what Ophie calls me, right spawn!?”

Ophie looked up at Crowley with big eyes, touching him in the cheek with stiff fingers. “Paaaaawn! paaawn!” they said, proud to finally have gotten it right… almost right.

Crowley’s face falls. Ophie pouts, wanting to be congratulated for their diction.

Aziraphale smiles cheekily. “Oh, love, you liked being called pa?”

No! Crowley would have said if his damn tongue haven’t gotten stuck on itself.

Aziraphale chuckles. “And you were the one telling me that papa was ridiculous just some weeks ago.”

“Pa it’sss different.” Crowley hisses.

“Pa?” Ophie says confused. “Paawn!” they tell Crowley.

Crowley takes Ophie’s nose ands squezzes it, making the baby let out a laugh at the funny feeling.

Aziraphale lets out a deep sigh, walking towards the duo. He takes Ophie’s pudgy hand by the wrist and slowly puts it on top of the baby’s static chest. “Spawn.” he says clearly, making Ophie giggle. He raises the small hand again and puts it where Crowley’s decorative heart is.[3] “Pa.” he tells Ophie this time.

Ophie looks at him confused for a second until their eyes iluminate with understanding. Ophie clumsily raises their hand and leaves it yet again on Crowley’s heart. “Pa!” they proudly say.

Crowley makes a strange sound at the back of his throat. He hides his face in the uncontrollable pink curls on top of Ophie’s head and tries not to break down in an emotional sob.

Ophie laughs loudly yet again, amazed by the wave of love and warmth coming from Crowley. They wave happily at Aziraphale with a question in the air.

“Oh, me?” Aziraphale says surprised.

Crowley raised his head, a cheeky smile on is face. “They don’t have a name for you.” he says, as if rubbing the fact in Airaphale’s face.

Aziraphale looks away, a little offended. “Well it’s not like people are consistent with how they call me. What’s wrong with Aziraphale?”

Crowley chuckles. “Even after all this time you still don’t like Zira? Or A.Z.?”

Aziraphale sighs in defeat.

“Az… Arse.”

Aziraphale gasped. “Crowley!”

“It’s a very good arse!”

“Not in front of Ophie.”

The baby looked surprised at that, asking what about them.

“Fine. But again, Aziraphale it’s too long for them, and sweetheart and fledgling are not as catchy as spawn.”

“Paaaawn! H-pawn!”

“See?”

Aziraphale sighs yet again, more fond than anything. “I guess I need to come up with something, specially after you stole papa from me.”

“I didn’t steal it! It was Ophie.”

“Ophie!” the baby cheers at their name.

“How about…” Crowley smiles, taking Ophie’s hand on his own, just like Aziraphale had done before. And just like Aziraphale before he put it on top of his heart. “Dad.”

“Daaa?” Ophie tries.

“Dad.” Aziraphale tries as well.

“Daaaaad!” Ophie cheers excitedly.

Aziraphale smiles and kisses Crowley in the cheek.

* * *

It was friday evening when Adam enters the shop and lets himself fall half dead in his usual chair.

“If you want to die, do it outside!” Crowley says from the couch, Ophie lying on top of him.

“I’ll die wherever I please.” Adam shouts back.

“Adaaaa-m!” Ophie says proudly.

Adam raises his head and smiles. “Hello, Ophie.”

Ophie sent a hello back in enochian that went ignored.

“Adam?” Aziraphale calls from upstairs. “Oh, dear. Do you want some cocoa?” he says after seeing Adam half draped over his usual spot.

“Yes please. It’s been a week and I already have like 5 essays due.” Adam says as Crowley laughs out loud at his misery. The boy sighs and decides to just ignore his demon of a godparent and look for the books he will be needing for his schoolwork. 

There was nothing like sitting with a hot cup of cocoa as he explored the treasures hidden in Aziraphale’s bookshop. So the hours flew before him until Crowley asked him to take care of Ophie while he went for something to eat.

Adam relocated to the couch next to Ophie who played with their stuffed snake while Adam kept making notes on old manuscripts. He was too engrossed in his job to notice Ophie’s trembling fingers contracting until _finally_ they closed around the neck of their snake. 

Ophie cheered at their triumph. “Adaaa-m!!” they shouted, shaking the stuffed animal meekly in front of Adam. _I can grab the snake!_ Ophie shouted in enochian for everyone but Adam to hear.

“Oh, that’s a cute snake.” Adam says, rapidly turning back to his book.

Ophie frowns, shaking the snake harder. _You didn’t congratulate me!_ they say, sad.

Adam turns confused at Ophie. “It’s something wrong?” he asks the baby who had started to sniff, barely holding back tears.

“Hey hey! Ophie, I’m sorry, what’s wrong?” Adam asks the baby whose hand had started to tremble, fingers not strong enough to keep holding to the snake.

Thankfully Aziraphale appears from upstairs and rapidly goes to his help, taking Ophie in his arms. “Oh, sweetheart! You did it.” he congratulates the baby in enochian as well, trying to reassure them of how good they have gotten already.

Adam takes the fallen toy in his hands and looks up confused at Aziraphale. The angel takes the plushie from him and offers it to the baby. “Would you show dad again?” Aziraphale says to Ophie. The baby looks at the snake before trying to grab it again, trembling fingers having a hard time doing it again. 

Aziraphale softly kisses Ophie in the crown of the head as their unstable grip turned firmer. “The fledgling wanted to show you. They are finally getting those pesky fingers under control.”

Adam’s eye go wide at that finally noticing what he had done wrong. “Oh, congrats Ophie!” he says smiling brightly.

Ophie looks confused at him before turning confused at Aziraphale.

_He’s very proud as well._

Ophie laughed at that, shaking the snake again.

Adam face falls a little. “Oh right, they can’t understand me.” 

Aziraphale hums. “Well, they are only 1 month old. It’s to be expected.” he reassures Adam.

Adam would have pointed out that Ophie was already speaking a language incomprehensible to humans but he still had 5 essays to write.

* * *

“You’re not even 2 months old, you’re not allowed to look that serious, spawn.” Crowley tells Ophie as he takes the baby in his arms. Ophie only frowns at him, seeing as Crowley had not translated into enochian.

_I don’t understand._ Ophie whines.

Crowley sighs. _I don’t like you being sad._ he says.

_I’m not sad!_

_You look angry._ Crowley points out.

Ophie thinks for a second. _Adam doesn’t understands me._ the statement it’s tainted in sadness

_He’s human._

_But I also can’t understand you!_

_Because you’re young. It takes time._

_I want to know now!_ Ophie pouts.

Crowley sighs, tired, petting his kid in the head. “You heard that, angel?”

Aziraphale looks up from his book, looking a little ashamed. “Oh? What?”

“Ophie here already wants to speak.” The baby looks judgmentally at Crowley, as the demon skips all together the translation in enochian. “don’t look at me like that.” Crowley says in enochian as well, squeezing Ophie’s nose. The baby laughs.

Aziraphale frowns from his seat. “But that takes time. I clearly remember last time I tried to help a child with their speech patterns…. well, Warlock didn’t seem to appreciate it.” the angel grimaced at the memory of young Warlock’s apaling grammar.

Crowley snorts at the memory. Aziraphale is not amused with the reaction. “Oh, come on angel, that was hilarious.” [5]

Aziraphale looks even less amused than before.

Crowley rolls his eyes in defeat. “Well, maybe this time it can work.” he shakes Ophie as emphasis.

Aziraphale humms. “You might be right. It should be like a second language for them.” he smiles. Aziraphale and Crowley had learned thousands of language in their time on Earth and even have teached them to others. It should be like a walk through St James.

* * *

The experience of teaching a baby no angel how to speak english truly turned out being like a walk in St James Park. Specifically that one time when the brought the young Them with them and Crowley ended in the duck pond after being persecuted by Dog.

So very badly.

Aziraphale points at Ophie for the 5th time since starting with this idea. “You.” he stresses the syllabes.

Ophie frowns. “Ophie!” they shout.

“Yes but… but no! Arg!” Crowley barely stops himself from shouting.

“Should I have used me?” Aziraphale says pensive. “That way they would repeat it but the concept would be lost…”

“You’re doing this wrong!”

Aziraphale frowns. “Well, I don’t see you helping.”

“You were the one that insisted to start with pronouns, even when they don’t even exist in...” Crowley shakes his arms in the air, making Ophie laughs at the exaggerated gesture. “That! Anyway, who needs the stupid pronouns?! Spanish is doing perfectly fine without them.”

“But they are an important part of the englis-”

“Let’s just do normal words! That should be easier at least!”

Aziraphale sighs. “Fine let’s give it a try.”

This time it was like that visit to St James when Dog almost ate the ducks. Fun but maybe not the best one.

“Book.” Crowley says, shaking the first book he had found.

Ophie extends their pudgy hands and with an herculean effort closed them around the book. “Buuuu!”

“That’s not any book! That’s-” Aziraphale gasps in horror. “is that my Ravenna first edition!?”

“Book” Crowley repeats, ignoring Aziraphale.

“Buuuu-k!” Ophie says before Aziraphale takes the thing away from Crowley and checks there’s nothing wrong with it.

“No, sweetheart, this is Raven-”

“Angel, they are 7 weeks old! They don’t care!” 

Aziraphale pouts as Ophie keeps trying out the new word in their mouth, trying every kind of stress that they could put in each letter until… “Book!” they proudly state.

Crowley smiles proudly.

_And what’s that._ Ophie asks, pointing their open hand behind Crowley.

Crowley turns around and sees a blue book in the table that Adam had forgot to return to its place. He takes it and shows it to Ophie. “Book.”

Ophie frowns. _But that was the white book in your hand. This is the blue book in the table!... in your hand now._

Crowley stops breathing for a second there. Oh shit. White book in Crowley’s hand was one concept, one whole idea said in a second. It put any agglutinative human language to shame.

“Book.” Crowley repeats hoping Ophie would just accept the answer.

They did not. They were Aziraphale’s child after all, they were stubborn to a fault. _No! It's a blue book in your hand!”_

And the worst part if that Ophie was being vague. They were missing the dimensions of the book, the angle in which Crowley was holding it, maybe even the damn chemical composition of the book if they were feeling fanzy.[6]

Aziraphale chuckles at Crowley’s internal distress. “Blue book in Crowley’s hand.” he says, confusing Ophie completely. “Maybe this is not working.” the angel says cheekily to Crowley.

The demon only grumbles.

“How about this, sweetheart, you ask what you want to say and we will tell you?” Aziraphale tells Ophie in enochian as well.

Ophie looks wide eyed at Aziraphale and thinks about it. They look around.until their gaze falls in the old couch they were sitting right now.

”Couch.” Crowley says.

“Caaau. Caaaaug.” Ophie started. They were stubborn enough to keep at it on their own until they got the diction perfect.

“Couch!” Ophie says in triumph half an hour later, Crowley and Aziraphale already discussing what to order for dinner. 

“That’s it.” Aziraphale congratulates them.

Ophie giggle. “Couch!” they shout again before raising their arms,asking to be picked up.

Aziraphale does so, receiving a hug from Ophie. The baby looks up and asks how to say that.

"Hug." Aziraphale tells them. And just like the word before they keep trying it out until they mastered it.

They ask for the word for hand and fingers and grab. And by the time they can say every one of those, the sun has gone down and Crowley and Aziraphale had already eaten some takeaway.

That's when Ophie finally asks. _How to say I love you?_

Aziraphale almosts drops the books he was rearranging the moment the wave of warmth and love - so much love - hits him. It was beautiful and intoxicating.

It takes a moment for Aziraphale to regain his breath. "Love." he says, filling the word with the same warmth it would have had in enochian.

"Oov-oov-l-l-lov! loooove!" Ophie rapidly learns to say it.

Crowley does an strangled sound, almost mortally wounded by the cuteness of the scene.

Ophie giggles at Crowley but they rapidly stop, an apparently brilliant idea coming to them. Ophie thinks for a while, deep in thought, before a triumphant expression appears on their face. "L-looove da pa!" they shout.

And this time Crowley does let out a sob.

* * *

Adam was ready to murder Crowley. To crush the demon that dared to ignore every rule and message Adam at 3 am, a miracle making sure the notification would do the loudest and most obnoxious sound every time, without care for No-Disturb nor if the phone was turned off.

But any idea of murder rapidly disappears from his brain when Ophie declares out loud in a video "Love da pa!"

\------

[1] The suitcase would immediately unpack itself, easy thing to do - even for an inanimate object like the suitcase - when the only items in it were numerous themed bow ties and sunglasses.

[2] Supposed to be. He had failed from day one at that.

[3] Not very decorative right now, judging by how fast it was beating. At this rate, the cells were going to sue Crowley for overworking them.[4]

[4] Just 2 weeks later, Crowley would get some mail informing him that someone called “Cardiomyocyte” had sued him. He would immediately burn down the notice and go back to sleep.

[5] When Warlock was barely 1 year old, Brother Francis had started to try to teach proper language to the supposed antichrist, mostly consistent of grammar classes and words too big for someone that could barely say water and nanny. The funniest part was when Thaddeus Dowling - who hated Brother Francis with a passion - had followed in his steps. The man was horrified that his 13 months old kid couldn’t say attache!

[6] Like Gabriel always likes to say: are you truly talking to someone if you don’t add the quantum estate of every atom?


	7. The lives we touch

“Hello!” Ophie shouts when they see Crowley walk towards them with intent.

“Hello spawn. Want to try something out?” Crowley smirks.

“Yes!” Ophie says, always eager to learn.

Crowley sends over the instructions.

 _Easy!_ Ophie says, their wings so much easier to manipulate than this weird body. They fold their wings behind their back just like Crowley had told them.

Ophie blinks confused. They turn their head around and find absolutely nothing. “Waah!” they cry out. They try to grab the missing wings with their hands, going sideways when they can't find anything.

Ophie grumbles, face first in the couch and Crowley has to stop himself from laughing out loud. Ophie grumbles yet again, easily unfolding their wings back into existence.

Crowley takes Ophie and chuckles. “Well done.” he congratulates them. Ophie doesn’t look very amused. “Can you do it again?”

“No!” Ophie declares.

“Please.” Crowley tickles them. 

Ophie snorts. _Fine._

Ophie hides yet again their wings in whatever kind of hammerspace they went.[1] Before they could reaper them yet again, Crowley snapped his fingers, miracling a whole miniature outfit on Ophie.

Ophie cries out in surprise, not used to the feeling of a shirt. They rapidly reappear their wings to try to break themselves free but found a problem.

“Aaah?!” Ophie says, seeing their wings attached to the back of the shirt instead of under it. Ophie looks up confused at Crowley.

The demon shrugs. “I also don’t get it.” He walks towards the mirror[2] and raises Ophie to see themselves in it.

The fuzzy baby stops grumbling when they see their reflection. Beige trousers that barely fit them under a dark grey shirt makes them look even more like the middle ground between Crowley and Aziraphale.

Crowley smirks and pokes the top of the shirt, a small bowtie popping into existence, clipped to the hem of the shirt. The little bow had the same tartan pattern Aziraphale called their own.

Aziraphale took a look from the front of the shop, confused at the wave of warmth and happiness coming from the back. He couldn’t help but let up a loud ‘aww’ at the scene before him. “You look so spiffy, fledgeling.”

“Da!” Ophie calls out, proudly extending their wings to show off the whole assemble.

Aziraphale chuckles. “You didn’t get them to hide their wings?”

“I did. They did it so easily that they got scared.” Crowley says impishly.

Ophie grumbles and Aziraphale does laugh out loud this time. “Well, you have to do it again if you want to go to the park.” the angel tells Ophie.

 _Pretty!_ Ophie says in awe at seeing Aziraphale’s memory of St James.

 _If you want to go you have to hide them._ Crowley tells them. Ophie pouts but easily folds their wings out of existence.

Dressed and wingless, Ophie looked just like any other baby. Aziraphale noted that this bothered him. This wasn’t any other baby, this was Ophie who shouldn’t exist at all but did nonetheless, just like the love between Crowley and Aziraphale that had made them.

… Oh, wow, he had gotten attached, hadn’t he?

Aziraphale lightly kisses Ophie in the forehead before looking up at Crowley. “Shall we go, then?”

Crowley smiled. “Come on angel.”

They close the door to the bookshop and start the 15 minute walk towards St James arm in arm. Or at least, it should have been less than 15 minutes to get there.

Ophie waved happily at everyone, shouting ‘hellos!’ to any living being that passed near them. Not many waved back but those that did were left with a stubborn smile that wouldn’t leave for the rest of the day, but what really made them take so long where the multiple people that stopped them. From people just commenting in how cute and intelligent Ophie was to people congratulating them or something to that extend. Crowley’s favorite was the man that openly insulted them. Ophie cheered as the man fell face first in a conveniently open rubbish container and got a concussion.

Not much later they finally reach St James, the park no different from the last hundreds of times they had been there. It felt like ages since they had come, even when it had only been a little over 2 months.

They sit in their usual place, on the bench they had called their own for centuries. Crowley sits Ophie in the middle, the baby enamored by the trees and the people around them.

Not much later the ducks start to appear, those bastards. Aziraphale looks for something in his pocket and takes out some bread. The ducks visibly grind as he starts to throw it.

 _What’s that?_ Ophie asks.

Aziraphale explains that he’s feeding the ducks. Ophie didn’t understand food at all but they at least knew Crowley and Aziraphale ate it sometimes. 

Aziraphale takes out a sizable chunk from his bread before putting it on Ophie’s trembling hand. He then demonstrates how to throw it.

Ophie laughs, throwing their piece of bread clumsily at the hungry ducks. They keep doing this until a furious quacking sound make the ducks run away.

Ophie looks sad for a second before they see the new comer. A big grey duck that easily towered over a them.

“Oh look, it's the wanker.” Crowley mumbles, more fond than angry.

“Hello!” Ophie says. They ask for the duck’s name but the feathered animal only stares strangely at them.

“Duck.”[3] Aziraphale says.

“Duck!” Ophie repeats.

The duck almost frowns at that. Opening their wings as an intimidation tactic.

Ophie gasps at this, an almost maniac smile in their face. “Ophie!” they shout as they unfold their wings, showing their own fluffy grey pair to the duck.

Crowley is thrown into a fit of laughter as the duck quacks in terror, running away from them.

Ophie just looks sad.

“You scared it, fledgling.” Aziraphale consoles the kid. 

“It deserved it, anyway! They are a pain in the-”

“Crowley.” Aziraphale glares.

They can see the duck peeking out from a shrub not too far away. It tumbles around the park, getting nearer and nearer until it’s yet again in front of Ophie. The duck flares its wings territorially and Ophie does the same. 

The duck tries to hold the baby’s gaze but Ophie only laughs. The duck trembles, what kind of fearless being was this?! The duck has no other option but to accept defeat, so it runs away… but not before stealing all of Aziraphale’s bread.

It was a good thing that Crowley didn’t need to breath, because the fit of laughter he was having would have killed him.

* * *

Jay had been working at the Ritz for years now so when he saw one reservation for 2 cancelled he immediately knew who was coming.

Everyone that had ever worked at the Ritz Restaurant knew of the cryptids - well that’s what Will liked to call them. 2 middle aged looking men that some said had ate here since the hotel’s opening in 1906. He hadn’t believed it at first but after seeing the convenient cancellations and them not aging at all was enough to convince him. 

Strangely it had been 3 months since last they had come. It was good to see they were well and still as weird as ever. They looked exactly as the first time he had seen them 5 years ago, just that Mr Crowley was carry- Was that a baby!?

“Table for two, gentlemen?” Jay says with practiced ease, even when he was freaking out.

“Hello!” The baby says. Looking adorable with their little bowtie, just like Mr Fell’s.

“Hello.” Jay says, almost a reflect at this point. What was the procedure to talk to the new baby of your local cryptids?! Usually he would just show them their table in silence and leave, that had been his only MO for the 5 years he had known them.[4] Was he supposed to ask for the baby’s name? Congratulate them for adopting? And what luck, they had found a baby that was the perfect copy of them both, even the pink hair… pink hair?!

“Here’s your table gentlemen.” Jay needed a rise because he had somehow resisted the urge to run to the kitchen to gossip about _this_. “Do you wish to order something to drink?”

He didn’t even bothered to write down their usual wine choice, he was pretty sure they had had bottles reserved for this 2 for a century now. After giving them the menu, Jay all but runs to the kitchen.

“Did you see that?!” Jay almost howlers as he closes the door behind him.

Kyle clears his throat. “Mr Allen…” he all but glares at Jay. He was the head of staff and that glare had featured in Jay’s nightmares for some time now.

“Mr Fell and Mr Crowley have a baby!” Jay rapidly covers his mouth. Fuck he was dead.

The whole kitchen stopped in its tracks. A pin could have fallen and the universe would have imploded from how quiet it had gone.

“What!?” Almost everyone shouts out loud. Even Kyle’s eyes had gone wide at the fact.

Half of the kitchen all but ran to the door, pushing Jay in the process to see their favorite pair of cryptids. Kyle the first one to do so.

“I see it! It’s so cute!” Renata, the sous chef says.

“They did it! I can’t believe it!”

“Let me see, let me see!”

“I can’t see.”

“Move your ass, Will.”

“Please tell me it’s my colour blindness and that baby doesn’t have pink hair.”

“Red is the one color you can see fine.”

“What if the baby isn’t human? Like them!” Will shouts, making everyone turn around.

“Jay!” Renata shouts. It was a little scary to have her face to face, she could break him in 2 without problem after all. “You have to ask them.”

“Isn’t small talk without prompting banned or something?”

“The rules don’t apply to Mr Fell and Mr Crowley, right Kyle?!” Renata says.

The man only nods.

“Shouldn’t that be part of training?” Jay says.

“Don’t worry man! As long as you don’t ask about their immortality Mr Fell will be happy to answer.” Will smiles brightly. “Although Mr Crowley might stab you.”

“What?!”

“Yeah! Remember that badass hole that Old Man Henry had in his hand? That was Mr Crowley 20 years ago!” Will says with way too much excitement.

“Mr Allen, they are ready to order.” Kyle says way too excited as he pushes Jay out the door to the battlefield.

“I hate you-” Jay couldn’t finish, having to regain his composure before having to walk to the table of the immortals that had apparently left a hole in someone’s hand.

“Are you ready to order, gentlemen?” Jay says, as if his coworkers haven’t sent him to die.

As usual, Mr Fell ordered for both of them, easily half the menu having to be written down.

“It will be out in a moment.” Jay says from memory, not really knowing how to gain some _juicy gossip_ for his coworkers. “Congratulations for adopting.” is the only thing that comes to mind.

Crowley looks up at him confused. _Please don’t stab me._ Jay implores.

Mr Fell laughs awkwardly. “Oh… er, yes, yes, thank you.” he says forcefully

“Hello!” the baby interrupts them. “Ophie!” they awkwardly wave at themselves, their little arms weirdly stiff.

Jay stares for a second, not knowing what to do. Mr Crowley glares at him, the sunglasses not enough to hide that horrible sensation of 2 eyes piercing his soul.

“Um, er.” Jay gulps. “Hello. I’m… Jay?”

Mr Crowley relaxes at that, slumping in his chair again. The baby, on the other hand, looks confused. “Ammm… jeeeeei?”

Mr Crowley lets out a snort. “Jay.” he says, looking weirdly at the baby.

“Jeee-aaaay!” the baby says, almost sounding proud.

“Er yeah. I’ll… give this to the kitchens.” Jay says, immediately running back to the kitchen. Of course, he's attacked when he enters back

“What did they said?”

“What happened?!”

"Don’t you all have a job?!” he says, handling one of the cooks his note.

“Listen, Jay, the only reason I work here is for those 2 love story.” Renata says.

“I thought it was because of the pay.”

“Shut up Will.”

Jay sighs. He was surprised he felt fondness for this bunch of weirdos. “Well, for starters Mr Fell was kinda weird when I congratulated the for adopting.”

“Weird?” Kyle asks.

“Yes, he started to laugh awkwardly?”

“Just like when he does when I ask it they are immortal!” Will shouts.

Kyle glares at him. “William, have you been asking them if they are immortals?” 

“Since when is that against rule?!” Will cries out.

The rest of the kitchen snorts.

“But what happened, then?” Renata asks, her eyes almost shining.

“Well, the baby spoke to me! He said hello and something like Ophie? I think that’s his name. Weird one but hey, at least he has a name, unlike Mr Fell and Mr Crowley.”

“He spoke to you?” Renata raises an eyebrow. “How old is that baby?”

“Er… now that I think about it he was pretty young. Younger that my niece. Heck, he spoke better than her. And she’s 2 years old.”

“Ha!” Will shouts. “I called it, that baby is not adopted! It’s theirs and it’s not a human! How do you think their species reproduces?!”

The usual response to Will’s antics would be to roll their eyes and keep working, but today the only reaction could be horror. Oh God, was Will right for once?! [5]

* * *

“Why are you glaring at the kitchen, dear?”

“That waiter was being too curious.”

“Was he? To me it looked like healthy curiosity, he looked happy for us.”

“What if he’s suspecting something?”

Aziraphale chuckles. “What would he suspect. We’re only 2 middle aged men that just adopted, aren’t we?”

Crowley hums. “I guess.

\------

[1] Crowley imagined this was God’s back pockets. Not only containing wings but also thousands in spare change, multiples pairless socks, multiple keys, and countless drawing tablet pens. He might be right.

[2] That’s not usually there.

[3] Adam was 100% secure that _that_ wasn’t a duck. Nor any other duck-shaped being in this park for that matter. Every single weird ass ‘duck’ in St James only ate bread and lived for a stupidly long amount of time. Not only that but the ducks had somehow adopted the mannerisms of some of the visitors, like the black flock that acted just like the mafia. Or the white ducks that could have easily been part of the secret service.

This grey duck in specific was more than 50 years old and appeared to have adopted Crowley and Aziraphale as _his_. It was a territorial arsehole that liked to attack humans and ducks alike and sometimes did a good action, like bite child molesters in the crotch.

The Them had joked that it was Crowley and Aziraphale’s son. Somehow, they couldn’t see the resemblance.

[4] 5 years that Jay had known Crowley and Aziraphale. The duo would barely be able to tell he had been a waiter in their favorite place for years.

[5] "Yes." God said. No one listened to Her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Help, I got attached to the Ritz staff.


	8. Do they count as holidays if Heaven hates you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friendly reminder to turn on skins for this work.

danger noodle

hey when are you coming? agate is asking for you 214:08 yeah were not going14:35 wait you’re not coming for xmas? agate was so excited to see you :(14:35 we want to go but i dont think we can14:36 did something happen?14:36 14:42

Anathema almost drops her phone. It takes her 5 seconds to call Crowley’s number. “It's that a baby?!”

“Hello to you too, witch.” Crowley says a little to carefree for her like.

“You have a baby?!”

“Yup.” he says with his usual calm tone but she has known him long enough to notice the smile in his voice.

“Congrats! Why you didn’t tell me you were adopting? I’m your best friend!”

“Are you now?”

“Crowley!”

He chuckles. “Why does everybody thinks we adopted? Are you all blind?”

“What?”

“Take another look at that photo, witch.”

Anathema frowns and takes another look at it. She can see anything special… unless you count-”WHAT?! IT’S THAT A BABY ANGEL?!”

Crowley hisses in pain. “Snakes have ears too!”

“Sorry! But that baby has wings!”

“Oh? do they? I didn’t notice.” he says in a mocking tone.

“You had a baby angel?! You could get pregnant!?”

“I-it’s not like that! That’s impossible! We didn’t… make them! They just popped into existence one day!”

“She isn’t yours?! Crowley she has pink hair and grey wings!”

“It’s pin-wait you did say that. Look, they just appeared one day from somewhere and we’re keeping them now.”

Anathema hums, deep in thought. “Is it ok for you to keep her? Nothing to do with… you know?”

Crowley stays quiet before continuing. “Aziraphale is very insistent that no, they are not. And even then Heaven and Hell would be too stupid for such a complicated plan.”

“Oh, you’re right!” Anathema snorts. “So now you have a baby angel, no? …. 100% angel?”

“Er, no. They are… er... half-angel-half-demon.” Crowley speaks so low and fast Anathema can barely catch what he said.

“Crowley!” she laughs out loud. “She _is_ yours!”

The demon grumbles at the other side of the line, Anathema already imagining how red he must be.

“So I guess she’s like you?”

“Yeah, no food, no sleep, no poop. Most boring baby ever.” he sounds incredibly fond.

“No poop?! That’s so unfair?!”

“Believe me, the no sleeping balances it out.”

“But you also don’t need to sleep!”

“Yeah but I like my beauty naps!”

“God knows you need it.”

“Witch!”

Anathema can’t help but laugh at his offended tone. “So how long since you got her? do anyone else knows? have you named her?!”

“Er, well… the Them know and they appeared a little over a week ago? but they look at least 6 months old so take your pick.”

“A whole week you didn’t tell me!” Anathema laughs. “-or the name. Come on Crow, escupe lupe.”

“Don’t say that!” he says offended. “You sound like the angel.” he grumbles a little more fond than angry. “Their name is David Ophelia. Ophie for short.”

“Aww, that’s cute!”

“Yeah. They like it.” he says lost in thought, the last time she had hear him this happy at his own wedding some years ago.

Anathema can’t help but chuckle. “So who picked what? I imagine Zira picked David?”

“No, that was me.”

“Really? I felt Ophelia was more your style, you know, with how dramatic you’re.” Crowley bites back, literally. Anathema snorts. “But did Zira really pick Ophelia? I was expecting William or Oscar or something like that from the him.”

Crowley growls in pure anger. “We were not calling our kid Oscar!” he sounded possessive but hidden in that anger she could hear something else.

“Come on Crow! Why are you so jealous of a bunch of dead people? Zira adores you.”

He makes a strange sound at the back of his throat, sounding more like a squeaky toy than dangerous snake. “He does…” he says almost in awe.

Anathema chuckles again. “Anyway, you should really come. We would love to meet little Ophie and help you out. And Agate would love to see her as well.”

“Would she? I feel her and Ophie would battle to see who can get the most attention.”

“Oh, please, my kid has manners.”

“Are you implying my spawn doesn’t? Mine doesn’t cry at all.”

“Come on Crow, don’t lie, that’s just BS.”

“Demon's word. They barely do it. They do babble non-stop tho.”

She gasps. “That’s so unfair.”

“But more serious now. I don’t think we can go. We can’t even get the spawn to wear some damn clothes.”

“Hey, don’t worry, we can always make exceptions to our no pants, no service rule.”

“...”

“Crowley?”

“Yeah, look, they are not human…”

“... are you implying we’re specie-ist? Crowley, we meet 10 years ago in an airbase while trying to stop the apocalypse. We don't care, we love you as you’re grown noodle. We don’t mind you having a weird kid with wings and shirtless and that doesn’t poop. I’m actually jealous!”

Crowley laughs out loud at her comment. “Witch, what the heavens are you talking about?”

“What?”

“I meant that Ophie is not used to crowds!”

“You jerk. You could have said you were scared to take her out! I feel you, we were also so scared with Agate. But children are more resilient than that, Crow!”

“Ngk! It's not that!”

"Keep telling yourself that." Anathema laughs. “Well, if you do change of opinion we can always lend you Agate’s old crib.”

“I’ll keep it in mind.” is the nearest thing she will get to a thanks.

Anathema smiles. “Well, congrats again on your little one. I hope to see you soon, pain in the ass.”

“See you too, medling witch.”

* * *

too many baby photos

we going21:18 really?21:19 yeah ophie has no problems with sounds21:19 awww I’m glad when are you coming?21:20 tomorrow21:20 tomorrow?!21:20 yeah were giving a lift to the nightmares21:21 crowley! I can’t have the guest room ready that fast!21:22 dunno take a look21:23 you’re a cheater21:26 noted next time im leaving you to clean21:27 next time you tell me earlier!21:27

Anathema turns off her phone and looks again at the guest room. Everything was impeccable, Aziraphale's antique suitcase over the bed. She lets out a loud sigh and let's herself fall into the bed, cursing when she hits her head with the suitcase.

* * *

“Take care.” Xavier tells Adam. “I heard the middle of nowhere can be dangerous.”

It was saturday and Xavier had came to help them to carry their luggage all the way to Soho after Crowley had forgotten to pick them up from their flat. That damn snake.

“Hey! Tadfield is not that far!” Adam says.

“I had never heard of it before I met you!” Xavier says.

“Well, you're missing out. Tadfield is the best, right guys?” Adam ask the rest of the Them.

“Oh totally!” Brian starts. “For starters it doesn’t stinks like London!”

“And the whole forests is intact. One could say it's a miracle.” Pepper grins viciously at Adam. He only shrinks on himself as Wensleydale glares at her.

Xavier humms, distracted. “Maybe I can go one day. It does sounds pretty nice.”

“Why don’t you come next summer?” Adam says excitedly.

Xavier goes a little red at that. “Oh, are you sure?”

“Yeah, my parents wouldn’t mind. You can take my sister’s old room.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Well, here we are.” Wensleydale says in a strange tone when they finally reach the shop. He looks at Adam who just raises a confused eyebrow. Why was Wens-oh… Oh shit.

“Well, thanks for helping us out. See you next semester?” Adam says, smiling a little too fakely. Please go away, please-

“Actually…” Xavier starts. Fuck. “I actually wanted to ask A.Z something… if that’s ok of course.”

No, it wasn’t ok.

“Of course it's ok.” Brian says.

Adam, turns towards him and frowns. Brian looks confused for a second until Adam waves his hands in a wing-like fashion. Oh…

Xavier turns to look at them confused. “Hey, where’s Pepper?”

* * *

“Hi torment.” Crowley hisses.

“Oh, Pepper, what are you doing here?” Aziraphale asks confused. He was on his usual spot on the couch, Crowley curled around Ophie as both of them sit on the angel’s lap. It looked so adorable she could puke. “Weren’t you going to come until tomorrow?”

“It’s already tomorrow!” she says,

“Oh shhhhh.” Crowley hisses as Aziraphale looks at her in horror.

“How do you forget that? it's sunny outside!” she waves her arms in exasperation, making the others turn away in shame. “Anyway, we have a problem. Xavier came to help us and he's going to come in and… well.” she gestures towards Ophie who shrieks in excitement at the attention.

Crowley frowns… or frowns as much as a snake can. “Who the heavensss isss Xavier?”

“Adam’s friend that came a week before Ophie appeared.” Pepper says.

“Oooh! Glasssesss 2.0” Crowley hisses before turning into his human form again.

Pepper keeps glaring at Crowley. "What?!" he says.

"Aren't you going upstairs?" Pepper asks.

Crowley frowns. "Why?!"

"He doesn't know about Ophie and he's going to ask questions."

"Yeah, and?"

"Well, he saw you last time and adoption usually takes longer than that."

Crowley glares at her but Pepper keeps her stern expression. He sighs exasperated. “Come on Spawn.” he tells Ophie as he takes the baby upstairs.

“I imagine Adam is yet to tell him?” Aziraphale says.

“Of course he hasn't. He has been terrified after what happened with his parents.”

“I do understand his fear. We have lived long enough along humans to know that the knowledge might be too much.”

Pepper expression falls.

“But by the same token I know that if Adam wants to keep around this young man he has to take the choice to be honest with him. I don’t want to hide in my own house after all.”

Pepper snorts. “You should tell that to him. I get why he’s so against it because… damn. But Xavier is cool, it will be a shock but he would be cool with it.”

Aziraphale sighs. he knew perfectly well how it felt to hide from everyone, specially when everyone’s idea of how you should be crashed with your true self. He was glad Adam had more confidants than the angel had ever had with only Crowley at his side.

Soon enough they hear voices.

“Shall we go to greet them?” Aziraphale says, standing up.

Pepper nods. “Hey guys! We’re here!” she shouts, making Aziraphale cringe. Well, here they go.

* * *

“Are you sure I can take all of this books?!” Xavier asked excitedly, his smile so wide that it made Aziraphale’s cheeks hurt.

No, he wasn’t sure at all. “Of course I am.” he lies. “Make sure to take good care of them. Adam here can tell you when you can bring them back.” Preferably right now.

“Thank you so much! I’ll not let anything happen to them.” Xavier says before Aziraphale all but pushes him out the door.

“I hope I wasn’t too forceful.” Aziraphale says when they can’t see the boy with his precious books anymore.

“You kinda were.” Pepper says.

“Oh dear…” Aziraphale says preoccupied.

“I think he was too excited to notice it.” Adam snorts. “Are you sure about lending him some of your books?”

“He’s a good friends of yours. I’m sure he’ll take good care of them.”

“He’s not sure at all.” Brian whispers at Pepper who can barely stop herself from laughing out loud.

“So when are you telling him?” Adam almost jumps when Crowley appears right behind him.

“Aaaaadaaa!” Ophie shouts as Adam tries to calm his poor heart.

“Hi Ophie. And what do you mean tell him?”

“Well, if you’re going to keep bringing him you’ll have to tell him we’re not very human. I won’t hide in my own house.” Crowley frowns.

“W-well…” Adam starts when something occurs to him. “You haven’t told Warlock and you basically raised him! Why should I tell Xavi?” he ends with a glare.

Crowley glares back, his eyes going completely yellow in anger. “You want to know why we haven't told him, Adam?”

The boy shrinks in terror. “Crowley!” Aziraphale immediately scolds his husband, looking at him right in the eyes.

Crowley hisses and turns away. “Yeah, whatever. Anyway, let’s pack your stuff, nightmares.” he says, giving Ophie to Aziraphale and taking Wensleydale’s bag before opening the boot of the Bentley and throwing it inside.

“They are not going to fit.” Wensleydale points out after seeing how tiny it was. Did cars like this even had boots back then?!

Crowley smirks. “Oh, yeah? Hey stain!” he calls Brian. “Give me yours.”

One by one Crowley fits every bag and every suitcase the Them had brought with them before closing the boot without a problem.

“See?” Crowley sends Wensleydale a shit eating grin. The boy only shakes his head. Oh how he hated magic.

“Well, everyone read-What are you doing?” Crowley had entered the shop to call for the others when he saw Aziraphale trying to get Ophie into a sweater.

“It’s cold out there.” It’s the only thing Aziraphale says as he makes the squirming baby put on the thing. 

_It feels weird!_ Ophie cries out in enochian before bending their little wings and easily tearing the sweater apart using the holes in the back Aziraphale had miracled.

Aziraphale sighs. “Fledgling, you need to wear it.”

_No!_ Ophie cries out, wriggling in Aziraphale’s arms.

_Aren’t you cold?_ Aziraphale says.

_Feels weird! I don’t like it. It's all itchy!_ Ophie starts to silently sob and it breaks Aziraphale’s heart.

_I’m sorry._ he says, petting Ophie’s curly hair. Ophie returned the hug in earnest, melting Crowley’s little heart in the process.

“I miss having actual conversations.” Pepper says.

Crowley glares at her for interrupting the precious moment between his angel and their kid. “Go To the bathroom or whatever you humans do.”

Brian snorts as they all take turns in the 2 bathrooms that Crowley had miracled somewhere in the store. Usually there wasn't any, it only would attract customers.

When they all come back they find Crowley rubbing his nose against Ophie’s, the demon with such a silly expression they can’t help but laugh.

Crowley goes all red and stops cuddling Ophie. The baby cries out disappointed. “If you’re all done being disgusting, come on, time to go.”

The Them chuckled as they entered a classic bentley that was wider than the laws of physics allowed.

Aziraphale and Crowley take their seats. “You’re going to respect the laws this time, right, dearests?” Aziraphale says stern as he takes Ophie away from Crowley.

“It’s going to take ages to get there.” Crowley whines. “And Ophie likes the speed.” The baby cheers at their name.

“It’s dangerous.” Aziraphale frowns, holding Ophie tightly.

“When have I crashed?”

“10 years ago? Poor Anathema?”

“Hey! That’s only once! And it was the End of the World so it doesn’t counts… and you were teasing me anyways!”

Aziraphale looks confused. “Was I? What did I said? I remember mentioned how the place felt lov-”

“Hey Ophie!” Crowley all but shouts. Ophie laughs at their name. “Want to go fast!?”

“Faaaaa!” Ophie says.

“Fast!” Crowley repeats, stepping on the accelerator with all his might.

“I’m impressed how easily they forget we exist.” Pepper comments as they rampaged through the streets of London, breaking every transit and physics law out there.

“At least is really funny to see them banter like an old married couple.” Adam says.

“They are more married that my parents!” Brian laughs.

Aziraphale turns around and frowns. “How can we be _more married_ than other couples?”

“Who else has known each other for 6000 years?” Adam points out.

Ophie cheers at that, almost as if understanding what Adam meant.

“See? they agree with me.” Adam says smugly.

“How if you all just shut up?” Crowley hisses.

Everyone quiets, in the silence Ophie decided to fill the silence with non-stop babbling.

“Cheater!” Brian calls out as a wide smile appears on his face.

“Yes. I’m very proud of our rule breaker.”

“Ophie is not a rule breaker!” Aziraphale fights back.

“Their sole existence breaks every single rule!” Crowley points at Ophie, making the baby laugh.

“You’re all awful at staying quiet.” Wensleydale says as he massages his temples.

“Aren’t they?” Aziraphale agrees with him.

“Hey, it will take us at least an hour to get to Tadfield. Why stay quiet?” Adam says.

“I can always go fast-”

“Don’t you dare.” Aziraphale says.

“Hey! How if we play som-”

“No!” Pepper interrupts Brian.

“After the incident last time, I have to agreed.” Wensleydale says.

“You’re all so boring. So no talking, not games. Can we at least have music?” Brian says.

“Oh!” Aziraphale says excitedly. “Just the other day I left one of those new cassettes here.” the teens have to stop themselves from howling in laughter.

“Why do you still uses cassettes?” Wensleydale asks Crowley.

“I once tried to use discs and the Bentley spitted it in my face.” Crowley grumbles.

“It did what?!” Pepper barely resists from laughing.

“Yeah, and then it turned it into The Worst of Queen just to spite me.” Crowley explains.

“There’s a The Worst of Queen?” Adam asks with a smile.

“There’s now.” Crowley says, grumbling at the memory.[1]

“Oh, here it is.” the angel says when he finds a cassette in the globe box before clumsily putting it in. 

Immediately after, Bach’s Don’t Stop Me Now starts to play.

Aziraphale frowns. “I didn’t leave this that long ago.”

“Wasn’t it like 3 weeks ago?” Crowley says.

“4 because you were being noisy!” Pepper shames them.

“Shhhhhut up, torment.”

“-Floating around in ecstasy! So-” Brian signs along Freddie.

“Don’t Stop Me Now!” Adam joins him at the chorus. “Don’t Stop Me Now!”

“Ophie, sweetheart, are you alright?” Aziraphale asks the baby sitting on his legs. They had started to violently tremble. Aziraphale softly pets them on the hair and that’s when it happens.

Ophie shrieks like never before, letting out a shockwave of energy and happiness that tears through them, sending the car out of control in the middle of the road, the only thing stopping him from crashing into another car being the Bentley itself taking control away from Crowley.

“Guys?!” Wensleydale asks scared, his glasses all crocked.

“Even I felt that!” Adam says breathless.

“Felt what?” Brian asks as Ophie beated their wings violently at the beat of the music.

“Like… a punch?” Adam tries to explain. “Like a punch that made me want to thank whoever punched me.”

“What?!” Pepper says baffled.

“I think Ophie liked the song. Did you, fledgling?” Ophie all but ignored Aziraphale’s question, even in enochian, wriggling happily as the song reached the second chorus.[2]

“Really, really liked it.” Crowley groans.

“Awww, is it the first time Ophie listens to music?” Brian asks.

“Now that I think about it, it is.” Aziraphale comments as Crowley turns off the radio. The change is immediate,Ophie shrieking and crying as loud as they can. _Music!_ they cry as a miracle turns the radio back on.

“I thought he didn’t cry?” Wensleydale says, a pained look on his face.

“They really wanted the music back.” Aziraphale says, sighing as Ophie wriggles around at the beat of the music yet again, the wave of happiness coming from the almost palpable in the air.

“I can’t drive like this.” Crowley comments, feeling almost drunk at all the happiness in the air.

The Them look at him confused. “What are you talking about?” Pepper asks.

“Have you ever been covered in that disgusting black sugar thingy?” Crowley asks.

“Er, no?” Brian says.

“What kind of question is that?” Wensleydale asks back.

“Do you mean molasses?” Aziraphale says.

“Yeah, I guess. Never do it, it's disgusting and the worst, couldn’t get it off my scales for a week. Anyway, it feels like this.” he points at Ophie who kept beating their wings as Bicycle Race started.

“So Ophie is so happy… you feel like you’re in molasses?” Pepper says.

“Yes and I can’t drive like this!” 

“Since when can he drive?” Brian whispers at Adam who lets out an undignified snort.

Thankfully by the third song Ophie appears to calm down but the happiness in the air stayed and it was… it was nice. To drive the Bentley without concern, Aziraphale by his side helping Ophie peak at the window and the laughter of the Them drifting him into content.

10 years ago he had drove through this same road. It was the end of the world, his car in flames and fearing he would lose Aziraphale yet again if they couldn't save the world they had loved for so long. It was impossible to believe he could be this happy.

"Something the matter, dearest?" Aziraphale asks. Crowley has to laugh at that because no, nothing could be better.

"Iug." Pepper says from the back, noticing Crowley's disgustingly in love look. "Hey!" she shouts when Crowley miracles a paper ball to throw at her.

"Crowley!" Aziraphale scolds him but tha laughing baby in his arms takes away the intimidation factor.

This time Crowley doesn't bother to hide his big wide smile.

* * *

One by one they leave the Them in front of their houses. They hear the boisterous laugh of Brian's father and wave at Pepper's mother before only Adam is left.

"Next time do remember to pick us up." Adam says as he takes out his luggage.

"Next time you take the bus!" Crowley says, not really meaning it.

Before Adam can knock at the door, his mother appears, immediately hugging him with all her might. Sadly her smile lasts mere seconds, because as she separates from Adam she notices the Bentley not too far away from her door. She looks scared, tugging Adam inside the house and closing the door immediately.

Aziraphale lets out a deep sigh but Crowley has to hiss. "Oh come on, she's still mad?" he says.

"Well, it's understandable, she's preoccupied for Adam."

"Preoccupied my backside! They were less scared of us when they thought we were part of the mafia!"

Aziraphale looks away, absentmindedly petting Ophie's hair. "You know humans. It takes… time."

" _Tiiiime_." Crowley mocks. "It took them a week to accept Adam. What's wrong with us? Heavens, what could be wrong with you?" he says in a strange way, somehow fondness merging with the offended tone.

Aziraphale smiles weakly. "Isn't that what's important? That they came to terms with the fact that Adam might have been once the antichrist?"

"Yeah, but now I can't burn their house."

"Crowley!"

"I said I wouldn't do it!" is the last thing Crowley says before driving towards Anathema's house.

Crowley parks in the most obnoxious place, perfectly obscuring the view of any meddling neighbor and helps Aziraphale get out.

They walk hand in hand towards the Device's cottage, the horseshoe that had protected the place long ago gone.[3] Crowley knocks in an obnoxious beat.

"Guys!" Anathema says with open arms not even a minute after.

"Witch." Crowley says before the woman forces him into a hug. The demon does an exaggerated eye roll but he returns the embrace.

Anathema rolls her eyes as well and lets him go before turning towards Aziraphale. "Oh! There's little Ophie!" she smiles widely, giving all her attention to the baby in Aziraphale's arms.

Ophie babbles in surprise, looking with wide eyes at Anathema. _Wensleydale? Pepper?_ they ask.

Crowley can't help but snort. _Riot. The worst best friend ever._ he says.

Aziraphale frowns. _Inteligent. Nice._

_You're making her sound boring._ Crowley says.

Anathema doesn't notice their dispute, either used to the duo having silent conversations or too entranced by Ophie. Maybe both. "You have so much hair." she tells Ophie. "You'll have to comb that." this time she tells Crowley, a little smug.

"As if." is Crowley's response. "So, are you going to leave us freezing out here?" 

"Yes." Anathema says completely serious before stepping aside. She closes the door behind them before shouting out loud. "Guess who's here?"

From the kitchen came Newt, even after 10 years looking as punchable as the first time Crowley had seen him. "Hello the-Oh, god, you do have a baby." he finishes in horror.

Crowley lowers his glasses, his eyes going completely yellow. "Do not call Her name in front of me. Human." he hisses with the voice of a thousand beings.

Newt only sighs. "I'm not falling for that one Crowley." he had forgotten the number of times the demon had done this. It took some years but he had finally learned that Crowley did not actually care.

Crowley pouts but the expression is rapidly erased from his face when someone at the top of the stairs shouts. "Croooo!"

Agate, the 5 year old, goes down the stairs as fast as she can. When she reaches the second to last step she appears to prepare to jump down before rethinking her idea and stepping down normally.

"Cro!" Agate shouts again before tackling Crowley's leg.

"Hey, thing!" Crowley says before taking her and twirling her around. Agate shrieks and laughs before being left again on her own 2 feet.

"I see someone has been practicing her Rs." Aziraphale says, bending a little.

"Azira!" Agate says proudly, before hugging his leg as well.

Aziraphale chuckles. Ophie looks confused at their parents, babbling something before waving their arms at Crowley.

Agate looks up confused. Her eyes go wide at seeing Ophie. "Is that your baby?" she asks excitedly.

Aziraphale smiles, lowering himself and sitting Ophie in his legs so that both children are eye to eye. "Yes. Agate." he says clearly, Ophie babbling something similar. "This is Ophie."

"Aaaah!" Ophie says again. _Small human._ they say almost surprised.

"Hello Ophie!" Agate says with a wide smile.

"Gaaa!" _Hello_ Ophie says, surprising both Crowley and Aziraphale.

Agate gasps. "You have a Cwo plushie!" she's so excited she goes back to the old nickname for Crowley.

Aziraphale smirks. "You're popular with the little ones, love."

Crowley's face burns, almost fearing he would discorporate from the cuteness.

"Can I see it?" Agate asks Ophie while Aziraphale teases Crowley.

"Waaa." Ophie babbles, moving their head in curiosity.

"Thanks!" Agate says, making Aziraphale turn just in time to see the girl taking the stuffed snake away from Ophie's useless grasp. Ophie looks confused as she cuddles the snake, smiling widely.

"Aaaaaaaah!" Ophie cries. It sounded both angry and heartbreaking. _Mine!_ they silently shout sad and angry.

An invisible force fiercely janks the plushie away from Agate's hands. The snake flies through the air, hitting Ophie right on the chest. They try to take it but their hands are not fast enough, much less dexterous enough to hold to it before it falls down to the floor.

Ophie's angry cry is traded for a heartbreaking sob as they mechanically wave their hands at the fallen snake.

"Oh, sweetheart." Aziraphale says as he takes the plushie from the floor and puts it over Ophie's neck. The baby starts to calm down,hugging themselves with their little grey wings.

"S-she did real magic." Agate says completely baffled, her eyes comically wide.

Newt sighs. "Agate, you can't just take things away from people."

"I-I asked." Agate defends herself. "I thought she said yes…" this time she sounds truly ashamed, lowering her head.

Newt sighs yet again. "That didn't sound like a yes to me." he says softly, any sternness he had before disappearing from his voice.

Agate pouts, looking down at her feet. "I'm sorry." she says downcast.

"It's ok thing." Crowley says as he pats her in the head. He helps Aziraphale up who goes and sits in the couch before Crowley turns again towards Agate. "You should apologize to someone else." he finishes and sits down next to his angel.

Agate walks towards them. "I'm sorry, Ophie." she sincerely tells the baby. Ophie looks confused for a moment before pouting and turning away.

Anathema frowns in amusement. "Aren't you just like Crowley?"

"Hey!" he says offended.

"You're right." Aziraphale chuckles as he turns towards Anathema and smirks. The comment returns Agate's smile.

"What? No! The spawn is being stubborn, just like you!"

Aziraphale gasps offended and it just makes Anathema laugh harder. "Yeah, just like your dads." she says to Ophie, waving a finger in front of them.

Aziraphale looks at her as she distracts Ophie from their now forgotten anger. He smiles. "Do you want to hold them?"

"Oh sure-wait. I don't know what to do with the wings." Anathema says.

"Oh, neither do I." Aziraphale smiles awkwardly. "But the fledgling appears to have it under control."

"Oh well then… sure?" Anathema says, extending her arms so that Aziraphale could pass Ophie over.

"Hello Ophie." Anathema says to the baby. They look at her with big curious eyes.

"Haaaa!" Ophie bables.

"I'm Anathema."

"Aaaa-aaa!" Ophie gives their best try, the n sound still needing practice.

Anathema chuckles before she starts to make silly faces at Ophie. The baby appears more confused than anything so instead of continuing Anathema just lets out an amused huff of air. "You know, now that I think about it I have never seen your wings."

"Well, you don't go naked out there, do you?" Crowley says in a very matter of fact.

Anathema's eyes go wide and she turns at Aziraphale. "He _is_ joking, right?"

Aziraphale chuckles. "Of course he is. Don't listen to him, dear."

Anathema lets out a relieved sigh. "I hate you." she says to Crowley fondly as she stands up and gives him Ophie back.

She walks to the kitchen and helps out Newt finishing dinner and sends Agate on her way to help set the table.

They have an early dinner, Aziraphale ravenous after the long journey to Tadfield. Crowley asks Agate about kindergarten while Aziraphale asks Anathema how the magazine was going. Crowley tries to prank Newt more than once during that time but 10 years of knowing him had trained him well. 

Agate rapidly skips toward Crowley and starts to tug on his trousers when they have all left the dirty plates in the kitchen. "Cro cro! Can we go out to play?"

Crowley looks up at the window and find that the sun was starting to set. "Isn't it a little late, thing?"

Agate pouts. "B-but twilight is when all the cool things happen! Right mum?"

Anathema snorts. "Yeah. And night is when the interesting things happen. Like an angel and a demon crashing into you." she smirks.

"That was Aziraphale's fault." Crowley pouts.

"Can we all go then?! We could take Ophie to the quawry! She needs to see it." Agate continues excitedly, Ophie confused at hearing their name coming from her.

Crowley snorts. "If we take Ophie out that one creepy guy is going to tell the whole town."

Newt smiles. "Oh, yes, Mr Tyler will get a heart attack, won't he?"

Agate pouts. "Then we can't go?"

"What? Of course! I'm all for that old guy having a bad time!"

"Crowley!" Aziraphale scolds him, everyone laughing as they get ready to go out.

They walk through the deserted streets. Crowley shaking Ophie when they pass in front of Mr Tyler's house. Aziraphale sighs and takes the baby away from him.

When they get to the miraculously preserved forest around Tadfield they find street lamps that weren't there the day before. Agate immediately runs towards the Them's old swing that Newt had fixed just last year. Anathema smirks at Crowley.

"Hate the dark. Will get rid of them later." Crowley says.

Anathema snorts. "You can see in the dark."

"Yeah, and?" he turns away from her vicious smile to look at Aziraphale. Ophie was looking mesmerized up at the trees as the last light of the day passed through the leaves. The light of the sky illuminated both angel and baby perfectly, giving the fascination in Ophie's eyes and Aziraphale's smile a literal shine of beauty. It was an scene even more beautiful than anything Heaven could have offered.

Crowley was so lost in seeing them both that he didn't notice when Agate jumped out of the swing until she was tugging at his trousers. "It's Ophie's turn!" the little girl says, almost making Crowley jump in surprise.

When he looks up Aziraphale is trying not to laugh at him. Crowley huffs, taking Ophie way from the angel. He carefully sits the baby on top of the tire, steadily holding them by the lower back. He moves the swing forwards a little and Ophie shrieks in excitement, beating their wings as they go. Forwards, backwards. They laugh with all their might, their wings beating faster and faster each time, ready to take off at any time if they were just a little bigger.

By the time Ophie can barely hold themselves up Crowley has taken them in his arms, the baby still laughing uncontrollably. When Ophie stats to calm down they open their eyes, smiling up at Crowley. That's when they find something is missing. They look around, looking for their plushie until they find Agate holding it towards them.

Crowley smiles before lowering himself down so that both kids could be at the same height. 

Ophie huffs in adorale anger at Agate but the girl only slowly puts it back where it belongs. "I'm sorry for before." she says.

Ophie keeps pouting until Crowley translates. The baby stops frowning, deep in thought, they look at Agate as if trying to see how honest she was and appeared to find an answer. _Thanks._ they say, waiting for Agate to respond in any way.

"Thanks." _That's how you say it._ Crowley explains.

"Sss-Thsssaaaa!" Ophie tries.

Agate smiles, looking way to proud at herself. "You're welcome!"

Next Agate declared that they should all play hide and seek, tackling her dad before declaring he was it. Newt sighs, more fond than tired as Crowley passes over Ophie to Aziraphale, the angel opting out of the game.

Newt counts to a ridiculous number imposed by Anathema, leaving him alone with Aziraphale as the other 3 run away. When he is done he turns around and finds himself in the dark clearing of the woods alone with an angel and a baby. "So how if I offer you some cake to help me out?"

Aziraphale looks incredibly tempted by the offer. "The one with nuts?"

"Maybe…" Newt says.

Aziraphale opens his mouth ready to accept the offer when he thinks better of it. He presses his lips and looks down at Ophie. "I fear that's not enough for me to betray Crowley."

"But is it enough to betray Ana?"

Aziraphale smirks. "Maybe. Go give it a try first, my boy."

Newt sighs in defeat and goes in search of this 3 idiots he calls family.

He easily finds Agate hiding in the Them's old base of operations when she outs herself by being unable to stop herself from laughing when Newt passes extremely close to her. Anathema is a little trickier, the only reason he's able to find her being that she had step on an extremely convenient tree branch, one unnaturally crunchy at that.

Anathema glares at Aziraphale, the angel only offers her a divine smile. "Selling me for cake." she spats between laughs. The angel doesn't seem ashamed at all.

Only left was Crowley, the master of hide and seek. He looks around the place, looking behind every tree, under every rock, but nothing. 15 minutes later both Agate and Anathema had joined the search but still nothing.

Agate is telling Newt to look up in the trees when Ophie lets out a shriek of laughter. They all turn around and find Aziraphale with the smile he usually showed his customers - one that appeared kind at first but in reality was that of a vicious predator. "Oh, Ophie, something the matter?" 

"Paaaa!" Ophie babbles, wriggling excitedly in Aziraphale's arms.

Anathema smirks, walking towards Aziraphale and rapidly taking from his collarbone a small black rope before the angel could protest. "Ha! Got you."

"Hey! Let me go!" the worm sized snake says with a voice far louder than one would think.

"Aaah! Mini Cro!" Agate says, running towards them. Anathema leaves the tiny snake on her hands, Crowley hissing all the way.

"No ressspect!" Crowley says before slithering down through Agate's shoulders as he turns bigger and longer, the girl laughing at the strange sensation. He goes behind a tree and reappears human-shaped.

"You're a cheater." Newt says.

"In what place does it says it's against the rules?" Both Agate and Anathema laugh at Newt's misery. "I can't believe you sold me out." Crowley tells Ophie playfully, the baby laughs at his tone.

As promised Crowley disappears the streets lamps before they all go back, laughing and bantering all the way.

11 years ago Crowley and Aziraphale were preparing for the end of the world as Anathema made plans to find the Antichrist, all while Newt was kicked out of yet another job. Today they were a strange family, one that none of them had looked for and yet couldn't imagine living without.

\------

[1] The Worst Of Queen featured drunk covers by Crowley himself of most if not all of the songs from Queen’s Greatest Hits album. The worst one was easily Love Of My Life in which Crowley had started to cry even before finishing the second verse and had kept weeping through it. How the Bentley had gotten its hands - well, wheels - on that was a mystery.

[2] The Bentley was very proud at her master’s spawn taste in music.

[3] Aziraphale had glared at it the first time Anathema had invited them, exactly 10 years ago. The horseshoe had cowarded before the immense rage of an angel whose beloved it had hurted and had not been seen since.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has no point I just wanted fluff. ~~well, this whole fic point is to be fluffy.~~
> 
> I want to callout my past self for making me draw so much ugly stuff for a fic.
> 
> I also visually updated the chats from ch3 and 5.


	9. I'm not joking, it's a serious question

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally this chapter's title   
> had nothing to do with the actual chapter, just a play with the title of the previous one, but after editing this...

Arthur Young liked the weekends. He had all the time in the world to enjoy his morning, to go out for a walk or just drink his tea while reading the newspaper. Today it was one of those days. He would enjoy the day, read the newspaper, wait for Sarah to come home, maybe try his hand at the crossword.[1]

Arthur smiles as he couches down, looking forward to his day when everything crumbles down.

Mr Tyler was walking towards him, looking as righteous as always even when he could barely hold himself upright, not even with the help of his walker. For a moment Arthur felt as if he was 10 years younger and the man was coming to yet again yell at him about Adam.

"Mr Tyler. What brings you here?" Arthur asks, already fearing Adam had somehow enraged the man even when he hadn't left the house.

"Young!" Arthur barely stopped himself from sighing. "Those 2 madmen of yours!"

Inadvertently, Arthur crushes his newspaper, a chill running through his spine. Oh, how he would love to forget about those terrifying creatures. "They are not mine." he whispers.

Mr Tyler ignores him. "I saw those disgusting pansies walking through our streets yesterday!"

Arthur opens his mouth - the only thing disgusting here was Mr Tyler actitud - but he stopped. They were not that weird but charming couple that apparently were adam's godparents, that often brought incredibly expensive wine and had even take them out to eat to even more expensive places. They were liars, monsters. They didn't need protection from Mr Tyler when they could crush him with a thought

"I saw them with a baby. That poor creature."

"Are you sure it wasn't the Device's-?"

"I am sure! I also saw that little rat of theirs with them. The fat one was carrying a toddler! And shirtless at that in the cold air of night."

Arthur couldn't breath. He imagined a baby, one that had been just taken away from his mother by the infernal creature. For what? To eat it? To enjoy the suffering of someone? To transform them in a creature like them?![2] "W-what do you want me to do?" Arthur says, so incredibly scared. "We don't even speak with them anymore."

Mr Tyler grumbles. "I clearly remember them in your house!"

"That was years ago." Arthur half mumbles as he holds the newspaper even tighter, almost ashamed to remember he had once thought they were nice.

Mr Tyler frowns, mumbling something to himself in anger. "Guess I'll have to take this matter into my own hands!" he says, starting his journey towards the other side of town with far too much anger for a person of his age.

Arthur should stop him, send him back home, do something to stop him from verbally attacking some eldritch beings. But he didn't. His hands tremble as he holds his half destroyed newspaper, his mind coming yet again with horrible vision s of what those 2 monsters could do to a baby.

He stands there for who knows how long, staring in terror at space. He takes a deep breath and turns around, rapidly opening his door. Mr Tyler had already disappeared from sight.[3]

"Can you see what's taking your dad so long?" he hears Deidre say as he comes in, feeling a little ill.

"Sure mum." Adam walks out from the kitchen. He immediately snorts when he sees him standing in front of the door. "Hey!" his smile falters. "Are you ok, dad?"

_No_ he wants to say but nothing comes out. Adam looks preoccupied at him. His son closes the door behind him and accompanies him to the kitchen. Arthur lets himself fall on his usual chair.

"Arthur?" Deidre asks preoccupied.

Arthur takes a deep breath. "Mr Tyler spoke to me."

Both Adam and Deirdre looked confused at him. Yeah Mr Tyler was a pain but to this extend?

"Apparently he saw the…" he gulps. "the monsters with a baby."

Adam stumbles backwards, his face incredibly sad.

Deidre on the other hand gasps in horror. "We have to do something! We can't just live that poor baby wit-"

"No no mum, is not like that! That's just Ophie!" Adam says almost desperate, his face contorting in sadness and anger.

"O-ophie?!" Deidre asks with dread.

Adam forces a smile to his face, trying to appear as approachable as possible. "It's actually kinda funny but the other day a baby just appeared out of nowhere in Crowley and Aziraphale's house." he tries to laugh but the scared expression of his parents stops him.

"Look!" Adam smiles brightly, showing them an unfocused photo of the demon smiling as he held lovingly to a pink haired baby. A _winged_ pink haired baby. "Oh, this one is really cool!" Adam says, taking back his phone to change the photo to one of the white monster kissing the cheek of the same baby, almost divine light coming from the window. "Oh, and then there's-" Adam stops himself, his smile faltering. The terrified expression hasn't left his parent's faces.

"There's another one of them?!" his mother gasps in horror.

"No-Well-They-" Adam mumbles, not even knowing what to say. He couldn't understand why were they this scared.

He could understand to be fearful of Crowley, he was a demon, the demon that had tempted humanity into Knowing, the terrifying Serpent of Eden. He could understand being fearful of Aziraphale. The fear to something so old, so powerful, so different. That he could understand.

And yet he couldn't understand how could they fear Crowley and Aziraphale but not Adam himself. Crowley might have been a demon but Adam had almost destroyed the world, the Them's words the only thing that had stopped him from doing something so horrible that it still lurked in his worst nightmares.

Adam opens his eyes, barely holding down the tears. _Why?_ he wants to ask but nothing comes out.

And before he can try again someone knocks.

* * *

Sarah Young was a very normal person. She worked for the HR department at one of those Software company. She had Henry, her completely normal boyfriend - even if a little nerdy - and a boring family in the even more boring town of Tadfield. 

There was her father, a serious man who liked cars and her mother who was loving and an excellent cock. And not to forget Adam, her energetic and charismatic younger brother. With 9 years between them it had been hard to connect but even then, she loved all her family, just like they loved her.

…

Right?

Maybe Sarah was lying. Not about her boring life or that she loved her family, but maybe about the fact they might not have been as normal as she wanted. As loving as she wanted.

10 years ago, when she had been 20 and in university, she had come back for christmas. That was the first time she meet them; 2 strange older men that had introduced themselves as Adam's godparents.

"B-but Adam doesn't have godparents?" she said as she sees the dangerous man in black smirking at her from outside as Adam and his friends talked about something with him.

"Oh, of course he does, dear." it's the only thing her mother said.

When she brought it up to Adam, the kid only laughed and ran back with his friends and those _men_.

That had been only the start.

"Why do I feel I came in a bad time?" Sarah says with a brown raised.

"Not at all!" her mother says, trying to smile reassuringly but coming off as forced.

Her dad helps her set her luggage in her old room, his awful attempt at small talk just making it more noticeable that something was wrong.

They had lunch and chatted about Henry and office gossip. Adam traded back some silly stories from uni. It should have been normal but she noticed it, how his smile would falter as he corrected strange errors or skipped over whole parts of the stories. He was hiding something and by the way her parents looked at him, she was the only one that didn't know what it was.

Later on, whatever had happened before she had arrived had been too much for her mum who had ran away to the kitchen while her dad said something or other about checking her car. Leaving her alone with the brother she had never understood.

"Ok, what's happening here?" she surprises Adam, her brother almost letting go of his phone in surprise.

Adam looks at her for a second before sighing, surely deciding if he should tell her or not. "It's Crowley and… Mr Fell." he said weirdly that last name, he always said it weirdly.

"Are they still mad at them?" Last year it had been the worst. Everyone was on edge, almost scared to open their mouths and talk. That was the first time in years that Mr Crowley and Mr Fell hadn't come to visit them.

Adam nods.

"Hasn't it been a year?"

"Almost 2, actually." Adam says, making her turn in surprise.

"What happened? I get being weary of Mr Crowley but Mr Fell is a saint!"

Adam snorts at that but it doesn't sound like one of his usual laughs, she can hear it there, a note of sadness.

Sarah frowns. "Adam, what happened?" her voice is stern.

Adam stops laughing. He takes his time to look up at her, his captivating eyes filled with a strange kind of pain. He takes a deep breath, opening his mouth to reply… and stops, looking even more down by the second.

"It's… complicated." he finally says, his voice trembling. It was strange to hear him like that.

Sarah wants to glare but his expression, his tone... 

Adam gulps down. "I-I'm going out." he croaks, standing up from the couch.

Sarah's eyes go wide. "Hey! Adam!" she says, running after him as he walked out from the house. It didn't escape from her notice that he had gone the opposite way their father had gone.

"What's wrong!" Sarah says when she finally caughts up with him. They appeared to be walking towards Jasmine Cottage, the house of the couple that had moved here 10 years ago.

Adam doesn't answer.

"Fine! Stay quiet! Like always! It's not like I'm your sister or anything!"

Adam stops, looking ashamed and scared and not at all like her brother.

Sarah's face falls. "What's wrong? Why does no one tells me? Since last christmas is as if I wasn't part of this family!" she says trying to hold to angry tears.

Adam opens and closes his mouth, every word escaping from him, as if he couldn't find words to explain this. That was wrong, so wrong, because by the time he could speak he already was an incredible storyteller. 

"... Do you really want to know?" Adam finally says. He didn't sound hurt anymore, just serious.

"Yes?" Sarah says, her tone incredulous. "I want to know! It's like I'm not part of this family! I come back from uni and no one tells me anything? Mum and dad acting like those 2 weirdos you call godparents had always been there? And now you don't even talk to me!"

Adam recoils.

"Is that why mum and dad are mad? They finally noticed something was _wrong_ with those 2?! It was damn time-"

"They are not wrong!" Adam shouts, his breathing labored, tears prickling in his eyes. "They are… they are good, and nice and… I'm… I..." a sob escapes him.

It was Sarah's turn to recoil. She couldn't remember Adam crying like that. Never this scared, this ashamed of what was escaping his lips. He closes his eyes and bites his lips and tries to breath but it wasn't working.

"A-adam? I'm… I'm sorry?" Sarah's voice trembles. She didn't know how to console her little brother.

"N-no… I-I'm… I'm being stupid." he passed his hand through his unruly hair and pulls at it, trying to stop himself.

"Stupid?" Sarah sounds so lost. "About what?"

He takes a deep breath, finally calming down. He looks at her with those deep eyes that had scared her a little the first time her parents had brought him from the hospital. "... Do you want to know?"

"Yes? I have been telling you! Why are you all hiding... whatever this is from me?"

"Mum and dad really didn't want you to know. Heck, I think they would like to stop knowing it." he looks down at his feet, evading her eyes at all cost.

"Forget what?"

Adam looks up again, he wasn't angry at all but the look of those eyes would haunt her. "Do you _really_ want to know? Even if it means giving up on the world you know?"

Sarah frowns, not liking Adam's tone. "Don't be ridiculous."

"I am serious. This is not just an office gossip or something like that. This… this breaks people. If I tell you you can't go back."

Sarah laughs. It wasn't an amused laugh, it was a desperate one. "What? Is it like… like that apple? Are you getting me kicked from the garden?"

Adam looked at her, his expression completely unreadable. "Yes… yes. Just like that."

Sarah frowns. "Well. I want to know." 

Adam gulps down and offers her his hand. "Let's go then."

* * *

Newt is the one that opens the door. "Hey Adam!" but his smile falters when he sees the serious expression of the guy as he stands next to her sister. "Er… hello? It's something the matter, Adam?" Newt steps sideways, letting both of them in.

"Oh, did the Them came?" Anathema says from their living room.

"Hi Anathema. It's only me."

"Umm… Hello?" Sarah says, confused why Adam would bring her here.

Newt closes the door and looks back at Sarah. "Er… do you want some te-"

"Who the f-whatever is she?" Crowley interrupts Newt, half draped over Anathema's old sofa while holding Ophie and Agate. He had miracled a pair of sunglasses seconds before.

Sarah frowns. "I'm Sarah? Adam's sister?"

Crowley's eyebrows climb up. "You have a sister?!" he says scared, holding Ophie protectively.

Adam can't help but snort. "Not from that side, C!"

Sarah looks even more appalled. "We have known each other for 10 years?"

"That sounds like a lie to me." Crowley glares back.

"What's wrong with y-?!" 

"I'm making tea!" Newt interrupts a little too loudly.

Agate gasps surprised at that and jumps from Crowley's legs. "I want to help!" the little girl declares, running after her father.

Sarah sighs before letting Adam guide her to an open spot in the surprisingly big living room. The house didn't look spacious enough for this many sofas.[4]

"Are you ok, dear boy?" Aziraphale asks Adam when everyone had finally calmed down.

"Er, well, is just that…" Adam starts.

"He had a fight with mum and dad." Sarah says, looking at both of the strange men curled up on the opposite sofa.

"It wasn't a fight? More like… a disagreement?" Adam tries to smile but it lacks any true amusement.

Aziraphale looks surprised at him, a little sad.

"Turns out Mr Tyler saw Ophie and told my dad for some reason."

"Ophie?" Sarah asks confused, gaining the attention from the baby in Crowley's arms. Her eyes go wide. How had she missed that?! A baby with… something… wrong?

"Mr who?" Crowley asks.

"The neighbor that doesn't likes you, dearest." Aziraphale says.

"You have to be more specific, angel." Crowley says.

Aziraphale sighs, his checks turning a little pink. "The man that came today to… well."

Crowley starts to laughs, almost falling from the couch. "That one!" 

"You have a baby?" Sarah says surprised, still trying to understand why she felt she was missing something.

Crowley stops laughing and looks at her with a smile she had never seen on him. It wasn't mischievous, it was full of happiness. "Yes. This is Ophie." he shakes the little baby in his arms, making them laugh.

"Oh… oh, well, congratulations on the adoption." Sarah says.

Crowley and Aziraphale look strangely at her. Why was that what every human said to them? "Yeah yeah." Crowley starts. "Don't tell me menace, your parents already think we're rubbish at this parenting thing, right?" his tone of voice made alarms ring inside Sarah's head. She had to gulp down.

Adam laughs awkwardly. "They kinda did until I showed them some photos and… well."

Aziraphale looks disappointed. "I understand their dislike for us, but to extend it to Ophie?" he turns towards the baby and starts to pet them, telling them how much they loved them in enochian.

"Wait wait. Why are mum and dad angry?" Sarah asked Adam. "I thought they were ok with all of that?!"

"Well, yes they are." Adam says.

"Then?!" Sarah says.

Crowley glares at Sarah. "Menace, why did you brought her here?" she couldn't see his eyes but that didn't stop her from a chill running down her spine.

"She wanted to know." Adam says, everyone turning surprised at Sarah. Even Anathema.

"Wait. The neighbor knows but not me?!" Sarah almost shouts, hurt.

"I-it's not like that!" Adam says, sad.

"Than what is it?!" Sarah sounds angry and tired.

"Do you even know what you want to know?" Crowley says.

"What?" Sarah frowns at him as everyone else tries to not laugh at the demon's phrasing.

"What is it that you wish to know?" Aziraphale asks instead.

"W-well, everything?!" Sarah says.

"He asked _what_ you want to know." Crowley hisses.

Sarah thinks for a second. She takes a deep breath. "Well… who are you? Where do you came from? Why did no one cared until last year? Why are my parents so mad?! and why does even the neighbor knows more than me?!" she glares at everyone else in the room who stayed quiet.

"Er… tea?" Sarah turns around and finds Newt holding a tray with numerous cups. She sighs and nods at him. He gave one of the cups to Agate who in turn gave it to her.

"But how much do you want to know? Enough to change your whole world?" Anathema says as Newt and Agate distribute the rest of the cups around the room before sitting down next to her.

"What's wrong with all of you? What? Turns out there are aliens? Werewolves?!" Sarah jokes.

Crowley frowns. "Don't be ridiculous." he says offended.

"Me? Ridic-?!" Sarah starts before being interrupted yet again by Newt.

"I know how you feel." he says calmly. "But they are right. After that… well, you can't go back."

Anathema looks a little sad at him but he only smiles and waves at her.

Sarah takes a deep breath. "Please just tell me." she sounds more desperate that she would have liked but it appeared it had been the right tone to use. Because they finally tell her.

They tell her of an angel and a demon. Of a witch and a witchfinder. Of the End of the World that had been predicted since before the Earth existed and yet had been stopped by an antichrist that was no more.

By the time they finish Sarah is laughing, tears going down her cheeks. "You… you're all crazy!" she laughs even harder.

Crowley snarls as Aziraphale looks saddened at her. The demon smirks and waves his hand in front of Ophie. The baby shrieks in laughter.

_Beat your wings._ he tells Ophie who rapidly obeys, loudly extending their wings and laughing again.

Sarah notes it and stops. Her eyes go wide and her smile turns even more maniac. Her laugh becomes labored as her trembling hand lets go the tea cup Newt had gave her what felt like ages ago.

Aziraphale frowned and without even thinking he fixes the cup. Sarah gasps in horror, pressing herself against the couch.

"Crazy, you say?" Crowley says, taking away his glasses, letting the yellow completely take over his eyes.

Sarah tries to shout but nothing comes out, so instead she runs. She runs as fast as her body will let her and she doesn't look back.

"Sarah! Wait!" Adam shouts, running after her.

Aziraphale sighs, the rest of the room almost feeling it.

"Lovely day." Crowley grumbles sarcastically, turning around and resting his head on Aziraphale's lap.

"Maybe we could have a picnic? All 6 of us." Aziraphale says.

"Oh, yes please." Anathema says. "At the other side of town, I heard things are normal there."

* * *

Sarah ran and ran and ran until she found herself in front the door to the house of her parents. Her lungs were burning and her hands trembling to the point she couldn't held to the key.

Angels and demons and witches and ends of the world. There were angels and demons and witches and ends of the world. There were angels and demons and witches and ends of the world and they could fix little cups as if nothing.

"Sarah?" her breath hitches as she hears the scared and broken voice of Adam. Her little brother. Her little brother that knew about angels and demons and witches and had stood before Death and War and Famine. Her little brother whose eyes weren't right and was meant to destroy the world.

Adam face falls and a distant part of Sarah's mind could guess she had been staring in horror at him. The only thing she did was press herself against the door she couldn't open.

"Sarah? Adam?" Mr Young says, looking terrified at his kids. "W-what's wrong?" Sarah tries to answer but she couldn't breath. She couldn't breath. There were angels and demons and witches and the world was almost ended by her little brother and she couldn't breath.

Adam steps backwards, allowing his father to held tightly to Sarah. She was 39, she had a flat and a job and a partner and a car and yet she was crying in the shoulder of the man that had raised her, not even noticing the mess she was doing of his jacket.

Mr Young opens the door, still holding Sarah tightly with his free arm. He pushes the door open and guides her to the couch the old, thing crying out as both adults fall down on it, Sarah still holding to her father as if her life depended on it.

"Sarah? Sarah, what's wrong?!" Mrs Young comes running out of the kitchen as Adam half heartedly follows them inside, closing the door behind him and standing there, unmoving as he stares at his family.

Sarah was hyperventilating, at least it was better than not breathing at all. "Cr-cr-th-they… Oh god… Oh God?! There's… there's… one? no… no."

His parents look up at Adam, horror growing in their eyes by each second. _You told her?!_ the question was written all over their faces. 

"You were going to kill us all!" Sarah finally cracks, looking up at Adam with red eyes and snot completely covering her face.

This time it was Adam who couldn't breath. His heart hammered again his chest, trying to run, to go back to somewhere... somewhere else. He didn't notice the tears freely falling from his face. "I… I… I didn't…"

"He did not! He would never!" Mrs Young shouts, not in fear or anger but in something much older; love. Her eyes shining with tears.

Sarah looks up at her mother, confused and scared. "He's… he's…"

"He's your brother." Mrs Young looks up, her gaze soft and loving, all for Adam. "He's your brother. Your brother who gets in trouble and bothers the neighbors and never stops running around." she gulps down and Adam can't hold his eyes open any longer. 

"Your brother that's… so energetic that I just can't keep up." Mrs Young continues. "Who's so good and kind and positive and clever." Adam opens his eyes when he feels a trembling hand in his shoulder. He looks up and finds his mother, who was trying to smile even when the tears wouldn't let her. "My boy who tries so hard, who protects everyone. Who give his best. My boy who would never ever do something so… horrible."

Adam gulps down. "But I alm-"

"You didn't. You didn't. We're here and now and you didn't do a thing. You were given the world and you chose us. That's my Adam. My boy. And I won't allow anyone to say anything else. For all I care God can come down here to tell me otherwise but you're not… you're not antichrist or a menace whatever anyone dares to call you. You're _my_ son." 

Adam can't see. He can't breath, he can't think. The only thing he can do is fall in his mother's arms and cry, cry like never before. She was not scared, she didn't hate him. She loved him so so much. And for the first time since he had been 15 - the first time he had understood the horrors of his existence - he allowed himself to relax and truly be Adam Young. The boy who had chosen humanity over everything else.

\------

[1] Try at least, he usually gave up if Deidre didn't help him, times where they would give up after filling half of it. Sometimes Adam would come to their help and the thing would end in a fight over their son's phone to stop him from cheating by asking Aziraphale.

[2] Unknown to Mr Young, at that exact moment Crowley was having a tickle battle with both Ophie and Aziraphale. Crowley would later say he had won but to an irritated Newt - who had been woken far too early by the laughs of a demon - it had sounded like Aziraphale had wiped the floor with him.

[3] Later someone would angrily knock at Jasmine Cottage. Crowley almost beams when Anathema sees Mr Tyler at the door. He leaves Ophie in the couch and hauls Aziraphale with him. Crowley doesn't even know what the man has come to yell at them as he's too preoccupied making out with Aziraphale in front of him. Mr Tyler is gone not even 2 minutes later.

[4] Anathema was a witch and friends with an angel and a demon, might as well take advantages of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm finally adding the angst tag to this fic and it's for the Youngs?!  
> I was a little scared at first with adam's characterization. Would he be this unsure about himself? but let's be honest, teenage years are angsty af, I imagine being the actual antichrist just makes them even worse.


	10. Ok, fine! don't answer me

Aziraphale loved christmas. Oh yeah, he did! … in paper at least. It was supposed to be time of love and for families to come together. It was an excuse to help those that needed it the most and to work towards fixing long broken ties. He also really liked the food.

Crowley also adored christmas, in paper at least. It was that time of the year for rampant consumerism and gluttony. For people to be forced to suffer along their so called family that hated them with a passion. The reason everyone didn't help those in need all year round.

In reality, they had never cared much.[1] It had been millenia since they had actually put effort into doing whatever Heaven and Hell thought of as work[2] and they didn't celebrate it on their own unless invited or forced by their higher ups.

But 10 years ago, after they had helped stop the apocalypse[3] and had finally been freed from their employers they had received a call from a nervous Newton inviting them to come for the holidays, all while a group of 11 year olds shouted at him.

They couldn't say no to that, could they?

* * *

It was a cold morning of december, christmas only one day away. A black snake was coiled around a baby, their wings fluttering as they saw a little girl fill with beautiful colors a book. She talked about everything and nothing to the baby that listened to her, the snake snoring softly around them both in an image made of true bliss.

Agate stops coloring for a second when she hears a loud laugh come from upstairs. She looks confused but ignores it for the time, prefering to keep coloring instead. She can hear someone angrily walk upstairs, going from her parent's room to the guest room and then back to the stairs.

Newt was ready to bring heaven down on Crowley when he saw the scene, the early morning light making it look even softer, melting his heart and anger away in cuteness. He has to take a deep breath, steeding himself. He couldn't show weakness, he had to be sterns 

"Crowley." Newt says, standing as tall as he can. The biblical sized snake didn't look impressed.

"Dad!" Agate says, leaving her colors on the table and turning around, just to break down in laughter at seeing Newt standing in front of her. He was wearing the ugliest sweater ever made, colors loud enough to sear themselves into your retina for life as LEDs of all colors and sizes illuminated the badly made santa plushie going through Newt's chest.

"Return me my wardrobe this instant." Newt says, trying to not burn in shame at the garish thing he was wearing.

"Dunno what you're talking about." Crowley says, looking as impassive as he sounded… either that or Newt was very bad at reading the expressions of a snake.

"Crowley." Newt scolds him.

Crowley turns around and slithers towards Newt, turning back into human form and staying as long as possible in that nightmarish half estate between the 2 forms.

Newt only kept glaring. Crowley pouts "You were funner when you were scared of me."

That was the exact moment when someone came from the kitchen, loudly snorting at seeing Newt dressed like that. Aziraphale tries to stop himself from laughing, truly one of the hardest things he had done in all of his life. "Oh… Newton… I didn't… I didn't know you owned… _this_."

"I don't! Crowley changed my whole wardrobe into this!" he gestures downward and curses to hell and back when he accidentally slaps the santa. "This was the most decent one!"

" _That_ wasn't the better one." Everyone turns around to see Anathema going down the stairs, also dressed in a monstrous thing in hot pink and radioactive green. It didn't have the poorly made santa phasing through her but made it up by playing very loud and badly recorded christmas music, all while some LEDs turned on and off at the beat. "This was." she says while pointing at the sweater.

"Well, they were all ugly!" Newt says as he glares at Crowley. The demon only smirks.

"Can I have one?!" Agate shouts, jumping around her parents with way too much energy.

Crowley snaps, trading Agate's pajamas for a 3D monstrosity that was trying - and failing - to imitate a real christmas tree, ornaments and all.

"I'm not getting my wardrobe back, am I?" Newt says in defeat.

Crowley smirks, snapping his fingers yet again to appear a pair of trousers just as garish as the sweater itself but this time with a reindeer with an LED nose going through the crotch region. Everyone bursted into laughter, Agate falling down and rolling away, the sweater not allowing her to stop.

Newt sighs and helps out her kid, all while Crowley picks up a giggly Ophie from the chair.

"Waaaa!" Ophie shouts, waving their stiff arms in pure amusement.

"If you liked sweaters you could have one." Crowley tells the baby while poking their nose.

_Itchy!_ the baby says, ready to break open whatever sweater anyone tried to put on them.

Crowley chuckles as he rolls his eyes. His gaze falling into a smiling angel. He snaps his fingers, appearing a sweater on Aziraphale. The angel gasps in horror before snapping his fingers.

"Tartan?!" Crowley shouts in horror at seeing the boring thing Aziraphale had miracled on him.

The angel smiles smugly before Crowley snaps his fingers yet again to appear something even uglier on Aziraphale.

The angel retaliates, prompting Crowley to do it again. Both falling into a miraculous warfare involving the ugliest sweaters their imagination could come up with. By the 5th sweater Newt and Anathema had fallen laughing to the floor, almost incapable of breathing from how loud they were laughing. Agate rolling away yet again.

Anathema was sure she would have died of asphyxiation from so much laughter if someone had not knocked on the door. She takes a deep breath, trying to stop herself from laughing. "Guys, guys, calm down, it's Pepper and her mom." she gestures at them, still trying to calm down.

The angel and the demon do stop, prefering to make silly faces at each other. Newt rolls his eyes, helps Agate up and steals Aziraphale's cocoa that had miraculously stayed hot while they had their silly battle.

"Hey!" a voice comes from the door, it was Pepper's mother. "...are we interrupting something?" she asks when she sees everyone in the most ridiculous ugly christmas sweaters she had ever seen.

Pepper only laughs.

"No, it's only Crow and Zira being childish, come in." Anathema says, letting them in.

Pepper's mother chuckles at seeing everyone's colorful sweaters before stopping at Crowley, wide eyed.

"What?" he says, looking down on himself. Aziraphale had ended up miracling a very itchy white sweater. It was plain but made it up by the horrible fake white wings in his back and a fake - and itchy - halo on his head. He frowns, taking off the halo and throwing it towards the kitchen, miraculously hitting Newt in the face. Ophie giggles. ".. oh."

"Yes, ooh." Pepper's mother says, not looking at Crowley but at Ophie.

He takes Ophie's hand and waves it at her. "This is Ophie." Crowley says, the baby looking fascinated at their hand.

Pepper's mother smiles. "You adopted and didn't tell me? Did you know about this?" she asks her daughter.

"Yeah." Pepper says, making her mother shake her head and laugh. She turns at Anathema.

"It took them a week to tell _me_." Anathema says.

"At least they told you! When did you did this?" Pepper's mum smiles.

_Oh shit_ both Crowley and Aziraphale think. That had been such a weird week they hadn't even taken a look a the date Ophie had popped into existence.

"Er… a month." Aziraphale says. He hoped he was right, human dates ran out from him more often than not.

Pepper and Anathema look confused at them.

"So who wants to bake biscuits?" Newt comes to save them.

"Me me me!" Agate shouts, skipping over to the kitchen.

"Newt what are you wearing?!" Pepper's mum shouts, the horror of Newt's trousers enough to erase for her mind any question about babies.

* * *

Pepper's mother had been the first person in Tadfield to accept Anathema and Newt. Later on more people had accepted them in the community[4] but Pepper's mother had been the first and their oldest friend in the town. Anathema and her had immediately liked each other so it was not a surprise when Pepper's mother also ended up liking Crowley as much as Anathema did.

Anathema had proposed to tell her, seeing as they had known each other for so long[5] but Aziraphale and Crowley already felt there were too many on the known. And anyway, Crowley liked the game they had been playing.

It hadn't took long for Pepper's mother to notice something wasn't normal about this 2 men and she was ready to prove it. Her early theories had included the usual organized crime and secret agent theories but Crowley knew they had started to break her. She was so close to start thinking they were vampires. That was always the funniest one and he wasn't going to miss it by telling her about it.

"So Ophie? Is that short for something?" Pepper's mother asks.

"Ophelia." Crowley says.

"Oh! Right." she turns towards Aziraphale. "You're a Shakespeare fan, right?" 

Aziraphale smiles, looking up at Crowley with a mischiecous smile. "You could say that."

Pepper's mother stares at them for a second, archiving the comment for later. "She looks a lot like you 2. Even Crowley's bad dye job."

Crowley sputters. "My hair is completely natural!"

Pepper's mother frowns incredulous. "I'm pretty sure that color is not natural."

Crowley smirks, showing way too many fangs for a human. "You think so?"

Pepper's mother stares for a second before she shakes her head, as if coming to the conclusion she had imagined it. Fuck. "But really. You shouldn't be dying a baby's hair, you'll damage it. Specially not pink. It doesn't fits her."

Aziraphale almost looks angry at that. "It's carmine." he mumbles, s he glared in disagreement.

Crowley holds Ophie close to his chests and grumbles as well. They might be biased but pink was perfect for Ophie, half Crowley, half Aziraphale. Perfect, perfect, so perfect.

"But I'm surprised. How old is she? She already has a ton of hair, it would be should a shame if it fell off because you're dying it."

Crowley would have hissed but Aziraphale had turned to look at him, a little panicked. How old was Ophie supposed to be?

"7 months." Crowley says.

Pepper's mother looks surprised at that. "And she already has so much hair. And speaks better than you at that age." she tells Pepper.

"Mum, don't." Pepper tells her, trying to not pout. It was unfair to make such comparison. Ophie wasn't even human!

They get distracted when someone knocks on the door. Anathema comes from the kitchen and opens the door, letting Brian in. "Hey! What are you doing here?"

"Don't you have your own family dinner to go to?" Pepper shouts from the couch.

"How rude!" Brian says in his best Aziraphale imitation.[6] "I can't come visit my favorite neighbors in christmas eve?"

"You live at the other side of town!" Agate shouts from the kitchen, running towards him.

"Still counts." Brian says, starting up one of those weird secret handshakes. No one even knew when they had the time to come up with one.

"Oh, so your mum sent you to steal food from Newt." Pepper's mother says as they finish their weird dance.

"Hey, hey, now. My mum is not a thief… but she might love to have your turkey recipe." Brian says to Newt.

Newt frowns. "But I already gave it to her?"

"Yeah but she can't get it just right! You must be using Anathema's dark magicks." Brian says as he sits down next to Crowley and proseds to say hi to Ophie.

Brian ends up staying for most of dinner. They laugh and make some jokes and banter and just before dessert he steals some leftover turkey and his flan and proceeds to leave back to his house.

After that Aziraphale tries to convince Ophie to try a little bit of the caramel from the flan Newt had made. The baby comments how weird eating was, making disgusting faces at the food. Aziraphale gasps in horror and Crowley can't help but laugh out loud, full of warmth and love, so much love…

"How energetic is little Ophie, she doesn't even seem tired." Pepper's mother comments, smiling at them.

Crowley snorts. "I want to know where they get it. They are so tiring."

Pepper's mother chuckles. "Oh, no. This is the easiest part. Finally sleeping through the night but not yet ready to run towards an electric plug."

Anathema almosts chokes with her food as she laughed. "Oh, that's right!"

Aziraphale just looks confused, having used an electrical plug once in his whole life.

Crowley rolls his eyes. "Hey, is not my first time raising a child." he says. What was a first was taking care of a baby no-angel. First in existence even to take care of a baby of their species, really.[7]

Pepper's mother looked confused between the 2 of them. "It isn't?" 

Crowley smirks. "Was a nanny some years ago." his smile falters. "Awful parents, had to almost raise the child ourselves from newborn. What a pain of a kid." at the end he smiles again, sounding too fond.

"You were a nanny? I thought you were some kind of freelancer?"

"Oh, that was 20 years ago." Crowley says.

Pepper's mother snorts. "I can't imagine you as a 30 year old."

Crowley smirks, showing again his fangs, his voice taking a mysterious tone. "Neither can I." he would have sounded cool and intimidating if it wasn't for the fact Ophie had curled against his chest, letting out a content sound of happiness.

Crowley deflates when everyone just laughs at him.

* * *

It is late when Newt carries a sleeping Agate back to her room, leaving Aziraphale and Crowley helping to clean the dishes - well, more like Aziraphale pretended to clean the dishes while Crowley bothered him.

Pepper's mother stared strangely at them, the angle just right so she could see Crowley but not Aziraphale miracling the plates clean.

"Something on your mind?" Anathema asks.

"Crowley is playing a game." she tells her.

Anathema snorts. "When is he not?" had she finally caught it?

"That's true, but today he been really trying and I think I finally got it. The clothes? The the sunglasses? the fangs? the strange comments about age? even Ophie!"

Anathema couldn't help but smile. Oh, had Crowley finally gotten her?!

"He wants to make me think he's a vampire!" Pepper's mother decares.

Anathema almost dies laughing then and there.

* * *

Aziraphale's voice was barely audible as he softly read out loud for Ophie. Crowley was in human form, curled on Aziraphale's chest as he held to Ophie and slept. It was peaceful and beautiful, the sun not even having come out.

He had turned the page when an unexpected howl came from outside their room.

"It's christmas!" Agate shouts, as she bangs on both adult's bedrooms, running downstairs faster than light.

Crowley opens his eyes and groans. "Don't you dare do that when you're older, spawn." he tells Ophie, barely awake.

Ophie looks confused at Crowley as he stands up and with a snap gets dressed.

When they go down they find Newt and Anathema half dead on the couch, all while Agate jumped around the presents under the tree. Crowley was sure Newt's brain would come out from his ear any moment now.

Ophie was very awake as well, laughing at something - at the happiness coming from Agate that Crowley could not feel. The girl had gotten some videogames and a book[8] and was now trying to convince her half dead parents to play with her.

Half an hour later, and having won the crown as the Mario Kart champion, Anathema stands with a gift in her hands and offers it to Ophie.

"Oh?" the angel asks, seeing the square wrapped in colorful paper and with a ribbon on top.

"We were going to mail it. Thanks for saving us the money." Anathema says.

Aziraphale blinks repeatedly before he smiles. "Oh, dear, you shouldn't have." 

"No, we really should have." Anathema says a little too serious.

Both Crowley and Aziraphale take each one of Ophie's hands and help them tore apart the wrapping, the baby laughing all the way until a book had been freed from it's colorful prison. It was a hardcover copy of The Complete Tales of Winnie The Pooh.

"Adam might have told us about your… reading material." Newt says.

Aziraphale frowns. "It's a classic!"

"But not for children!" Anathema retorts with a smile.

"Ophie enjoys it." Aziraphale frowns as Ophie shrieks in happiness at their name.

"They just liked how ridiculous you act." Crowley points out.

"I seem to remember someone playing along." Aziraphale says.

"I'm going to make breakfast before they get started." Newt says, making both Anathema and Agate laugh.

"But really, you shouldn't have." Aziraphale tells Anathema. "I already have the whole collection."

"Then why were you reading Pride and Prejudice?!" Anathema shouts in horror.

* * *

Later in the day the Them would crash around lunch hour and trade around gift with each other before disappearing again. They would have dinner again and banter again and play again and not a moment would be left without laughter.

It was everything they didn't know they had wanted.

Crowley and Aziraphale liked christmas. Not because of the rampant consumerism or because of it's supposed meaning. They liked christmas because they were invited to pass time with this strange family of theirs that had forced their way to their hearts and stayed there.

\------

[1] Well, Aziraphale did really care about the food.

[2] Aziraphale would have loved to help spreading the joy and happiness that was supposed to come with the holiday. Convince people to donate food or clothes or toys to those in need, but most of the time Heaven only sent him to convince people to follow the Lord or take back a priest from the claws of a demon. It was a waste of ~~manpower~~ angelpower.

[3] Read cheer on Adam as they held hands and waited to die.

[4] Mostly thanks to Newt's baked goods.

[5] Long for Anathema at least.

[6] So not great at all.

[7] God frowned. Hey! Lucifer and the Archangels had been very childish when first created Still were, with their petty wars between each other. Uuug, children.

Anyone else would be preoccupied by the way She talked about the fact Her children wanted to murder each other, but omnipotence left you a little wonky on the head, it seems.

[8] Guess from whom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sobs* Pepper's mother needs a name.


	11. Meanwhile, in Heaven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted chapters 8, 9, 10, and 11 all at the same time. Might want to check those.  
> Also: hi people from the future that don't need this notice!

The Archangels flew proudly around the angry mob that used to be the Heavenly Host. Confusion and anger burnt brightly in every angel; to any human the display would have looked nothing like Heaven but to the Archangels looking down at them it was understandable, they had all just been denied their right to finally rid the Almighty's creation of everything that was wrong with it.

Michael looked at Gabriel, the Messenger understanding her silent order before stepping forward. “This is a trial from the Almighty!” his voice miraculously resounded around Heaven.

The angels calmed down almost immediately, taking in every word from the Message as if it was the only water that could cure their thirst.

Someone raised their hand and waved.

“We must be patient. This time the Almighty has seen our resolve to finally end with the Hordes of Hell and soon enough it will be the time to raise against them just like the Plan says!”

The angels cheered, making Gabriel smile proudly.

But certain angel kept waving their hand, jumping to be noticed.

"We must start preparing again! The Armies of Hell have their days counted!" Gabriel ended in a triumphant note, the whole of Heaven cheering as one.

All but one.

Gabriel turned to look at Michael. That certain angel had started to fly around to be noticed. Michael sighed and nodded at Gabriel.

“You.” Gabriel surprised the angel who stopped mid air. “What do you want?”

“Er… mmm, well.” the angel started. “So the plan is for the War to not be right now, right?”

“Precisely.” Gabriel could barely stop himself from frowning.

“Then how do we know the Plan is for the War to happen at all?” The whole of Heaven turned around, horrified at the angel’s words.

Gabriel closed his fist in anger, a dangerous spark in his purple eyes; his smile did not falter. “Well… what did you said was your name?”

The angel visibly shrinked. “Er… mmm… well… it’s.” they took a deep breath. “Marael.” they whispered.

Gabriel visibly relaxed, his dangerous smile turning mocking. “Of course _you_ would ask. Understand… Marael." he said their name with disdain. "We’re meant to end Evil, to save humanity by destroying its roots: the Fallen. The War will bring salvation to the Almighty’s creation.”

The rest of Heaven cheered, echoing his words in a chant.

_But how do YOU know?_ Marael wanted to ask but with Michael’s eyes boring into them the only thing they can do was sigh and say “Fine, I get it.”

* * *

Gabriel looked in horror as yet another pile of reports is miracled onto his desk.

He took the report on top and skimmed it[1] and felt a metaphorical chill run through his metaphorical spine.

This was Bad.

Only 6 months ago the Earth Observations department had gathered strange readings from the city of London[3]. They had left them for a later date at the time but it appeared that in the months since, the strange energy had elevated to distressing levels, culminating today into an explosion that had even affected the mortals in the area.

This was Bad. They needed to know what the Traitors were planning with this… display of inconmensurable power but doing so was dangerous; they might lose an agent in the process and Gabriel didn’t want to fill another dismiss report this century.

Someone knocked the door. “Come in.” Gabriel said as a reflex and has to stifle a groan when he sees who had knocked.

“So… er, sir.” Marael said, fidgeting with the report in their hands.

Gabriel dreaded every time Marael opened their mouth, if he could only get rid of them...

Gabriel smiled, brighter than every other smile that had been ever directed at Marael. The angel looked baffled at the Archangel.

“Oh, Power Marael, just the angel I wanted to see.” Gabriel said.

Marael’s eyes went even wider. “M-me?!”

“It is of utmost importance to gather information of an strange phenomena and I fear you’re the only capable enough to complete this task.”

Marael’s eyes shone with excitement, a wobbly smile appearing on their face. “Of course sir! I’ll do my best!”

“Good. You’ll leave immediately to London.”

Marael’s smile immediately dropped, morphing into pure unadulterated horror. “Isn’t there where the traitors-”

“Good luck Marael.” Gabriel smiled and pushed the Power out the door.

Marael turned around just in time for Gabriel to shut the door on their face.

* * *

Marael peaked from behind the corner, staring at the shop of horrors and nightmares the Traitors called home. A Maze made of forbidden wisdom and occult plant-like beings ready to destroy all that was Good.

The humans looked distressed for some reason, shouting at each other while holding strange black slates or while pointing at the even bigger boxes on the streets - where those the so called horses? Marael ignored the humans and stealthily[5] got near the unholy place, the human's distress was most likely part of the Traitor's plans.

Marael trembled a little when they found themselves in front of the place of nightmares. They tried to look inside but one of the plants-like beings glared at them[6] so instead they decided to find another way of supervilance.

They walked around, looking for a less judgemental investigative spot when they felt it.

Warmth and happiness completely filled them. They were drowning in pure love, a love bigger than themselves, bigger than everything they had ever known. It was impossibly big and powerful, taking over their whole senses.

It was consuming, a passion that burned certain and eternal, unstoppable, uncontrollable.

It was terrifying.

And it felt like _living_.

Marael did not want to leave this warmth, this love, this happiness. Marael wanted to be here forever and ever. To be one with this pure unadulterated _love_

So they allowed it. The being once known as Marael drowned in this love, even when it felt like plants and books and humanity. Even when that love wasn’t meant for them.

* * *

If anyone had bothered to turn towards an old bookshop they would have seen a young woman in a white suit fall face first into a rubbish bin.

Sadly right now the fact that there had been some kind of explosion less than an hour ago was enough to distract everyone.

\------

[1] No, not skimmed, angels of his standing didn’t skimm. Each and every report received the perfect amount of attention it required.[2]

[2] Like none at all for Earth Observation reports.

[3] Place that had been called off limits after the… _incident_ 10 years ago, as it was the Traitor’s base of operations. The place must have been in shameless without any kind of angelic presence.[4]

[4] A little ridiculous when angels had never actually done much for humanity. Apart from giving out flaming swords of course.

[5] In reality Marael looked more like a small kid playing to be a spy than anything else.

[6] Marael had been glared enough in their life to know when someone was glaring at them and this plant - even without eyes or eyebrows - was sending daggers their way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be a crack-ish chapter???? WHAT HAPPENED?!  
> Anyway, Marael is not based in any existing angel. ~~I'm curious if anyone can guess how long they will be in that trash can~~


	12. And to the right you can see even more clouds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not dead!

Most would say it was like any other day at St James. You could see the tourist walking around, taking selfies and pointing at the ducks, unknown of the dangers the animals presented. It was easy to tell them apart from the more veteran visitors, walking as far away from the birds as possible and armed with a bag of food just in case the feathered monsters decided to target them.

But only the most knowledgeable of the park - the ducks themselves that ruled this land - knew it wasn't like any other day. For not only had the notorious pair human-shaped beings come to the park, but they had denied the ducks of their precious bread, too engrossed in a discussion to even think of the ducks.

"You know humans, they would never believe them." Aziraphale says.

"Yeah, and then the other kids will make fun of them." Crowley answers.

"What are you proposing? To not tell them? What if there's a repeat of what happened to Adam?"

Crowley groans, looking to the side in anger at the sole memory.

Ophie pouts, looking up at their parents. "What?" they say, slamming the plastic toy on the bench. It was a dinosaur that they had found while cleaning the Them's rooms. They remember it belonging to Adam and had not seen it since the day Crowley and Aziraphale had accidentally broken the Them's heart by revealing how it had all been a prank from God. Feeling hurt and betrayed, Adam had abandoned every dinosaur in his life, vowing to never be hurt like this again.[1]

Ophie had asked immediately what kind of animal it was, but the sole answer of 'dinosaur' had not been enough for the baby, how did it move, what sound did it make?

Aziraphale and Crowley had never kindled Warlock's love for dinosaurs, feeling it cruel. But after meeting the Them and seeing their healthy love for dinosaurs they had to start asking themselves: had they failed Warlock yet again? Had they taken away an important part of human childhood by denying him the joy of thinking that dinosaurs were real?[2]

Not knowing if to tell Ophie the truth, they decide to try to go out to distract them. Now, hours later and sitting at St James, Ophie had miracled the toy while they discussed what to do. Their child would not stop until they knew the truth! nothing could distract Ophie from their quest for kno-ooh what was that?!

"Duck!" Ophie shouts when they see a mass of grey feathers glaring at them from the bushes."Duck!" they repeat, finally letting the toy slip from their precarious grip, forgotten. Aziraphale rapidly takes the toy and miracles it away.[4]

Seeing its cover blown, the grey duck finally steps away from the bushes, waggling towards the bench with a swagger no duck should be able to project.

"Duck!" Ophie says again, sounding far too happy for the duck's taste. The duck somehow seems to glare at them, extending their wings in an attempt of intimidation but the only thing this gains is a loud laugh from Ophie. 

Angered, the duck quacks back furiously before biting Ophie's bowtie, pulling the baby with it.

"Aaah!" Ophie cries in surprise as they topple over. The only thing stopping them from falling being Aziraphale's reflexes.

"Hey! Stop you wanker!" Crowley says, forcing the duck away from Ophie. The duck flaps its wings desperately, hitting the demon square in the face multiple times. Crowley tries to restrain the animal but the only thing he gets is a kick and something that can only be described as a shit eating grin.

Crowley is ready to turn this damn duck into a pillow when he notices the angel wasn't paying much attention to them anymore. Crowley turns around and notices that all this time Ophie haven't been crying after being attacked by a duck, but instead had been laughing hysterically the whole time, they were laughing so hard they had fallen on their back, laughing uncontrollably as Crowley, Aziraphale, and the grey duck stared at them.

"Cuack." the duck comments.

"Shut up." Crowley tells it, gaining a glare and an angry noise from the animal, sounding more like a rebellious teen than a duck.

Aziraphale lets out a sigh - fond and exasperated at the same time - and then launches himself into a serious chat with the duck about attacking people. Ophie might be fine but what if the duck had harmed them?[5]

They are so engrossed in the conversation - Aziraphale scolding the duck and Crowley trying to not laugh at his serious tone - that it takes a while before they notice the silence.

Crowley frowns before looking at where Ophie is lying on the bench, confused by the silence and calm coming from his excitable child. What he finds is the active baby that couldn't stay quiet for a second completely still, big bicolor eyes unblinking as they look into the wide blue sky.

"Ophie?" Crowley says softly, concern coating every syllable.

Ophie does not respond, the only thing indicating they were conscious the slight movement of their eyes.

Aziraphale turns around, finally noticing something amiss. He looks preoccupied at them before turning his head upwards and his breath hitches when he sees something. He looks at Ophie again before looking back up. "Ooh." is the only thing he says.

"What? What's wrong?" Crowley says, trying to sound calm and collected and completely failing at it.

Aziraphale points upwards. "A nightingale." is the only thing he says.

Crowley frowns behind his glasses as he takes Ophie on his arms. The only reaction the baby does is to grumble lowly, trying their hardest to keep looking upright.

"Ophie?" Crowley says again as he caresses the baby's back, but instead of saying anything, Ophie uses their pudgy hands to push off Crowley, unfolding their wings into existence and beating as hard as they can.

The duck quacks in surprise but Crowley pays it no attention, looking upward again to find the nightingale Aziraphale had mentioned, Ophie's sight unable to leave the bird. 

"Oh." Crowley says.

"Oh." Aziraphale says back, a strange expression on his face. "Sweetheart?" he says softly as he touches Ophie's back. The baby's only response is to beat their wings, trying to fly away.

"You want to fly, spawn?" Crowley asks. Ophie does not respond.

 _Fly._ Aziraphale tries.

And finally, Ophie responds. Is such an overwhelming feeling, full of energy and excitement; a wish for adventure. A want so deep to extend their wings and fly away, forever and ever in the blue sky.

That made sense. The thing that had enraptured Ophie was the wish to fly. It had never occurred to them, not being something in the forefront of Crowley and Aziraphale's minds after having flown countless times in their eternal lives. It was the only means of transport when the Earth wasn't even a thought in God's mind, and even after coming here they had kept doing it as means to travel around the world. With time it had turned harder and harder to find a reason to extend their wings and fly away, especially after retirement. And even then - after doing it for millennia - it was impossible to deny how important flying truly was for them. The sense of right and comfort it brought to open up their wings and fly into the distance, the earth rapidly passing under them as they flew through the sky.

A little ridiculous to never have thought that Ophie would like to fly.[6]

They are returned to reality by a sad noise. They turn around to find Ophie desperately looking for the bird, a terrible storm of sadness hitting them both as the baby starts to cry.

"Hey, hey, it's ok." Crowley tells Ophie, holding them tightly as they try to calm them in enochian.

It takes some time for Ophie to stop crying, but even then, the deep sadness kept crawling around them, a terrible feeling of missing something.

* * *

"Go?" Ophie asks after Aziraphale had miracled a clean outfit on them.[7]

"Yes." Aziraphale says with a mischievous smile.

"Where?"

"It's a surprise." Crowley says, opening up the Bentley's door for Aziraphale.

"Sssss-pais?" Ophie tries their best.

"Surprise." Aziraphale says as he explains the concept in enochian.

"Oooh…" Ophie hums, apparently easily getting the concept. "Where go?"

Crowley has to stop himself from laughing out loud. "Surprise."

Ophie glares in the most adorable way. "But but!" they grumble "... suupais." they end in a defeated tone, hopefully this time actually understanding what that really meant.

"Yes." Aziraphale says, softly caressing their mop of hair.

They drive for a while, Freddie Mercury's vocals and the rolling hills their only companions. Little by little any signs of civilization disappear until they are the only beings miles around.

"Uuh?" Ophie says confused as the Bentley stops in the middle of nowhere. "Where? Nothing!"

Crowley chuckles. "Exactly."

"Esa-sac-" Ophie tries.

"Exactly." Crowley repeats, opening Aziraphale's door as he explains the concept.

Ophie looks confused as Aziraphale and Crowley both take a last look around.

"Ready?" Crowley asks Ophie, taking them away from Aziraphale.

"Ready? What?"

But without answering, Crowley unfolds his wings, beautiful black feathers etherealy glittering with the sun.

Ophie opens their mouth, no sound coming from them as they unfurl their wings as well, almost as a reflect.

Crowley takes to the sky with such a powerful flap that it would have left in shambles any flying animal. It takes mere seconds for the Bentley to be a dot between the miles of hills around them.

Not far behind is Aziraphale, rapidly approaching them. "It's so nice to be able to stretch properly."

"Wanna race?" Crowley asks, circling all around Aziraphale now that gravity was not an issue. Ophie, still in his arms, had started to flap in sync purely by instinct.

"Well, no need to humiliate me in front of the fledgling."

"Hey, who knows, this time you might win."

"Seeing as I have won so many times before… once out of hundreds." Crowley looks a little too proud of himself. "And it was because you were missing half of your feathers after that tiger tried to eat you."

Crowley groans. "Don't remind me." he sways in the air, trying to find a good way to hold Ophie, seeing as they wouldn't stop moving. "So no race?"

"No." Aziraphale chuckles, turning upwards to look better at the demon.

"How about… mmmm, what was the new name? Tag! it's you!" Crowley lightly slaps Aziraphale with his right wing before bolting towards the south.

It takes a moment for Aziraphale to regain his balance. "Crowley!" he shouts as he darts after his husband.

Ophie shrieks in pure elation as Crowley flies away, the baby drowning everything in pure happiness and joy. The demon could barely hold his laugher, he couldn't tell if it was the contagious joy all around him or the fact that Ophie's fluffy wings were tickling him as the baby expertly beat them, as if they were the one flying.

"Hey, hold on." Crowley says when he feels Ophie trying to escape his grasp, ready to try to fly on their own, even when their tiny wings were far from capable of actual flight.

"Oh…" Aziraphale says when he inevitably catches up with Crowley, the demon having to outright stop to keep Ophie in his arms. "What are you supposed to say?"

"Dunno, they keep changing it."

"I see you need some help."

"Ophie here is ready to fly away into the distance." Crowley says, gaining a happy shriek from Ophie, the baby too excited to be up in the air to say anything.

"Maybe you could miracle a baby carrier?" Aziraphale proposes.

Crowley looked down at Ophie, wings beating away. "I don't think that will work."

Aziraphale hums. "May I try?"

"Sure." Is way harder than it should be to give Ophie to Aziraphale but thankfully their kid is not desperate enough to go skydiving.[9] Aziraphale holds them by the belly, leaving enough space to let Ophie beat their wings freely while keeping them secure.

The baby giggles at this, clumsily clapping in excitement. _Fly!_

Crowley flies underneath Aziraphale, eye to eye with Ophie. "Fly." 

"Faaaaaah!" Ophie doesn't even bother in correcting themselves, too excited to think about something as boring as proper diction.

Crowley can't help but smile at the wave of happiness coming from Ophie. Softly he caresses the baby's curls sending them into a fit of giggles, wigs beating furiously.

Aziraphale smiles as he advances once more, slowly enough to allow Crowley to easily circle around him.

Ophie grumbles. "Faaast!"

Crowley starts to laugh. "Is the angel that slow?"

"Faaaast!" Ophie repeats, beating their wings as they try and fail to escape from Aziraphale's grasp.

"I'm with them, this is not fun."

"Well, it's a stroll, not everything has to be fast."

"Faaaaast!" Ophie clamors once more. Aziraphale doubts that they were even listening.

"Bad luck spawn, you're stuck with the slow parent." Crowley says, sending Aziraphale a cheeky smile. The only thing he gets from it is a slap of white feathers in the face. "Hey!" Crowley says, needing a moment to regain his balance, sending Aziraphale into a low chuckle.

"Fast." Ophie says once more, their tone almost pleading.

"Please?" Aziraphale says.

"Pliis." Ophie tries.

Aziraphale sighs. "Just this once." He rises higher into the sky and grabs Ophie tighter. The baby makes a confused sound and Aziraphale has to smile. He beats his wings once more before diving towards the earth, wings folding behind him as he pierces the air faster than an arrow. Ophie shrieks in excitement and surprise, violently beating their wings in pure confusion until what Aziraphale is doing finally clicks for them, at last folding their wings just like the angel had done. He thinks he can hear Crowley blessing in the distance but the sound of the air pressure and the excited cries of Ophie make it almost impossible to truly tell.

When they are just meters away from land, Aziraphale opens up his wings again, easily stopping his falls as if gravity wasn't a thing.[10] Ophie cheers yet again as Aziraphale raised towards Crowley.

"Show off." the demon says, sounding way too fond to be an eldritch being from Hell itself.

* * *

Tyler Miller loves birds. 

He loves to see them open their wings, to see them dance and sing around each other as their beautiful feathers shine with the sunlight. Free from the earth, with the whole sky just for them.

His wife had never understood his love for birds, but the moment he had retired he had taken the decision to follow his passion. He had bought some books and a pair of binoculars, his heart set into going out of town at least once a week in search of the birds mentioned on each page.

It had been some years since then and yet only once had he not come. Just a year ago his grandson had been born. He smiles at the sole memory of the little boy, already big enough to give his first steps. Tyler couldn't wait to bring the little one with him, to show him the marvels of nature, just like the birds diving some kilometers away. What could they be? By the diving speed it could only be a Peregrine Falcon, but not only was it too early for their breeding season, neither the wings nor the size matched up.

Rapidly he took his binoculars, not wanting to miss this mysterious pair of birds.

…

"What?"

* * *

"Aaah!" Ophie shrieks when in the distance they see a river running through the hills.The air is filled with questions: _What's that? Water? There's so much!_

Crowley grinds, darting towards the river, Aziraphale not far behind. "It's a river!" Crowley says in enochian as well, the wide smile in the demon's face raising Aziraphale's danger signals.

Ophie looks excitedly at the fierce waters when Aziraphale lands next to Crowley, the baby fascinated with their distorted reflections as the water travels towards the ocean. Crowley's smile only widened at seeing the little kid wave their little pudgy hands.. He keeps his sight on Crowley as the demon crouches down, letting the river pass through his fingers.

Aziraphale blinks and immediately regrets it when he sees Crowley standing up again. Aziraphale was ready to jump backwards but by then it was too late, Crowley had already… sprinkled water over Ophie's face, barely touching Aziraphale's precious coat.

Ophe shrieks in laughter as Aziraphale takes a deep breath, trying to relax. Nothing to worry about, Crowley wasn't going to-

_Splash._

In a swift motion Crowley had gathered some water with the tip of his wing and had sent it flying towards Aziraphale's face.

The angel spats all the water he had accidentally breathed in, Ophie staring surprised for a moment before falling into another fit of laughter. "Crowley…" Aziraphale says, stern and a little dangerous.

Crowley tries very hard to not laugh, he wasn't doing a good job at it. "Yeah?"

"Was there a need to soak me?"

"It wasn't that bad."

Azirapahle raises an offended eyebrow. He looks down at the river and thinks for a second.

"Aaah!" Crowley shouts when Aziraphale showers him in water just like the demon had done before. Crowley staggers backwards, almost falling down. "Hey!" he shouts, spat some water like a fountain. "I didn't hit you that hard!"

Aziraphale's only response was to smile in the less angelic way possible, the complete lack of shame in the angel's face reminding Crowley how much he loved this bastard.

Ophie laughs loudly at the wave of love coming from Crowley. This only gives more reason to Aziraphale to keep the smug smile on his face.

Feeling a blush creeping up his face, Crowley finds himself with only one way of escaping.

In more of a token gesture than anything necessary, Crowley once more sweeps his wing over the river, but this time instead of picking a little puddle, a wave rises into existence that immediately crashes into Aziraphale, leaving him truly soaked from head to toes.

Aziraphale gasps in horror, his curls now pitifully plastered over his forehead as droplets fall from him. For a second Ophie looks as startled as his father, his mess of pink hair almost tamed with the water, but this rapidly changes when they start to laugh hysterically, the force enough to send water flying from their curls.

"Crowley…" Aziraphale says, barely audible above Ophie's laughter. He sounded cold and dangerous and worst of all, Crowley couldn't stop thinking how hot he sounded.

The demon gulps in fear, guessing Aziraphale's retaliation would not involve anything he was imagining right now. "Er… sorry angel." Crowley says, walking backwards

But before he has an opportunity to run away Aziraphale calls upon nature, gravity relaxing its grip on reality enough for a wave worthy of the ocean to rises before them. Ophie gasps in surprise, eyes almost shining in awe. 

Crowley runs.

* * *

"This… this is impossible. Oh God have I lost my mind?!"[11] Tyler grasps what little is left of his hair, barely being able to keep hold of both his sanity and his balding scalp.

He shook his head. "No no no no." he told himself. It was impossible, winged people were not real. He must have seen wrong, yes.

With renewed denial, Tyler takes his binoculars once more. They had somehow ended floating in the river some meters away from his chair.

Maybe it was a pair of lost swans. Those could grow pretty big and at least the wings matched… well one pair matched… and swans rarely flew in that pattern but what else could it be? Angels?

Tyler barks out a laugh, barely stopping himself from crying. He shakes his binoculars one last time and then looks up.

His eyes go wide, his mouth hangs ajar, a shout stuck on his throat. 

"OH GOD!" he finally shouts, letting go of the binoculars and starting to run away as a huge wave crashes over him.

* * *

"Did you hear something?" Aziraphale asks.

"No?" Crowley says, taking the moment of distraction to make a wave of his own.

It was time for Aziraphale to run.

* * *

"Uh, I think I have water in my brain." It was an hour later and Crowey and Aziraphale were reminded how horrible it was to dry off feathers. Not only because the water did not want to fall off their own wings but because Ophie was very noisy about their discomfort.

"What?!" Aziraphale half shouts over the sound of the hair dryer he had miracled to try to dry Ophie's feathers.

"I said I think I have water in my brain!" Crowley shouts.

"Your thing has water in the drain?" Aziraphale says baffled.

"Oh, Heavens. No! We're not playing this!" 

"What are we not paying for?" Aziraphale says confused, finally turning off the dryer and immediately regretting it when Ophie's angry wailing takes over.

Ophie had really enjoyed the water battle of epic proportions between their parents, but when they had all calmed down the baby had immediately noticed how heavy and wet their wings were. For them it was easy to preen away the water but when Aziraphale had given it a try with Ophie, their delicate grey feathers had fallen off. After having to google how to dry off baby birds they had ended miracling the hair dryer but even then some feathers had flown away.

"I still don't think this is normal." Aziraphale says, taking one of Ophie's fallen feathers. It felt so different from his own, so light and fluffy and delicate.

"How am I supposed to know?"

"Well, you could ask that friend of yours, what was their name? Gugl?"

Crowley let's out a sound between a snort and a groan. "Google."

"That's what I said." Aziraphale frowns, restarting the hair dryer to finish drying Ophie, the baby still angrily moving around, making the whole ordeal harder than necessary.

Crowley rolls his eyes and takes out his phone, rapidly typing his incredibly specific question and by a miracle actually getting worthwhile results. Crowley rapidly scrolls through the page, furrowing his brow more and more as he keeps reading. When he reaches the end of the page he closes the tab, almost growling. Ridiculous! Angels and demons didn't molt.

Crowley puts back his phone in his pocket and looks up to find Aziraphale almost done drying Ophie's wings, judging purely by how Ophie's mood had changed. The baby had traded their angry wailing for an impatient bable, ready to go back to the sky.

Crowley stands up and takes the hair dryer that Aziraphale had left on the floor, blowing air at the mess of curls on Ophie's head. The baby shrieks in laughter, surprised by the hot air. Crowley smiles and picks them up from Azirapahle's lap, the angel only sending him a fond smile.

"Hey, spawn, see that?" Crowley says, pointing towards some trees some meters away from them.

Ophie babbles confused, turning their head sideways as if that would help them see better.

"There!" Crowley points again to the tree as some of the upper branches started to move. Ophie did a curious noise, beating their wings to try to get closer.[12] There at the top of the tree was a pair of birds.

"Duck!" Ophie calls excitedly.

Crowley has to snort. "Not a duck."

Ophie frowns. "Dcuk!" they say again, clumsily beating their arms along their wings, as if imitating the duck-shaped beings from the park.

"Birds." Crowley says, explaining in enochian the difference.

Ophie hums in understanding, taking a moment to notice that Crowley had opened his wings again. With a powerful beat the demon had closed the distance between them and the birds, taking him mere seconds to get next to the tree.

Crowley gives yet another beat, getting them both at eye level with the birds. He barely knew anything about birds to know what kind these ones were, what he does know is that they had a beak and 2 wings and were guarding a nest with a bunch of baby birds that could barely fit in the nest.

Ophie babbles happily at seeing the animals, just loud enough for the biggest of the birds to turn around in confusion. The bird let's out something that almost sounds like a gasp, jumping backwards at seeing 2 human-shaped beings next to its nest.

For a second it looks like the bird frowns. It chirps, calling upon its partner who turns around and looks at both of them in complete disbelief. The first bird angrily jumps towards them, their angry chirping reminding Crowley of an old man telling a bunch of kids to leave his property. 

The only thing it gains in response is an intimidating hiss from Crowley, the demon turning his tongue completely serpentine and letting his fans grow into nightmarish proportions.

The birds shriek in fear, jumping backwards and crashing into each other and falling from the branch as they desperately flap their wings.

Ophie shrieks in laughter, clumsily clapping at the birds' antics.

That is until someone clears their throat behind them.

"What are you doing?" Aziraphale asks, arms crossed and far too serious for Crowley's like.

"Nothing." Crowley doesn't even try to fake innocence.

"Leave those poor animals alone."

Crowley turns his head sideways, looking at Aziraphale with a kind of face that could only be read as _'stop being a party pooper'_

While Crowley and Aziraphale had their discussion, the pair of birds had climbed up the tree again. The biggest bird looked cartoonishly angry as it skipped towards Crowley in the most menacing way possible for such a cute animal and prepared itself to at least try to peak out Crowley's eye. But before it can do anything, the demon turns.

The birds shriek as what they see is not a human face but a nightmarish monster covered in black scales and fangs as long as them. The monster opens its mouth in a horrifying way and shrieks, fans glittering with the sun.

The birds cry out in panic and fly away as fast as they can, Crowley bending his spine in an inhuman way to launch himself over the branch, flying after the birds.

"Crowley!" Aziraphale shouts, closing his hands into a fist and flying after the demon.

Crowley turns around in the air without stopping, cringing in fear as he sees how close Aziraphale is. Crowley turns around again and flies as fast as he can, not caring anymore about the birds. He folds his wings and darts towards the south as fast as he could, Ophie shrieking in laughter as the wind blows past them, making an even bigger disaster of their hair. Crowley couldn't help but laugh as well, the adrenaline as he flew over hills and roads faster than any other animal becoming one with Ophie's pure elation.

Crowley opens his wings back up after some time to slow down, knowing well that the angel must have already lost him, his wings built towards extended times of flight instead of pure speed.

He was wrong.

"Aaah!" Crowley cries in surprise as Aziraphale barrels into him, sending all three tumbling towards the ground. Crowley turns around mid air, covering Ophie with his wings as all of them crash, the baby still laughing with all their strength.

Crowley lets out a groan when he hits the earth. And then lets out another one as Aziraphale falls on top of him, just low enough to crush Crowley's legs but not Ophie themselves.

"Ooh, my nose." is the only thing Aziraphale says after not only making Crowley crash but also crushing him.

"Angel-" is the only thing Crowley gets to say before bursting into laughter, joining Ophie into a joyous chorus of breathless giggles.

Aziraphale lets out a deep sigh, a fond smile appearing on his face as he rolls his eyes. He finally raises himself from Crowley's legs, sitting himself down next to him, already tired from the exertion.

"Oooh." he says softly when he sees where they are.

"Mmh?" Crowley mumbles from the side, still sprawled on his back.

"Look." Aziraphale smiles, a shine in his eyes.

Crowley tries to turn his head around but being a snake instead of an owl didn't allow him for that much neck motion, so he sees himself forced to sit up.

"...Oh." is the only thing he says.

"Oh indeed."

Downhill from here they could see the ocean, the sound of the gentle waves crashing against the rock clear as day. Farther yet they could see the waters taint in beautiful reds and oranges as the sun went down, a scene worthy of a painting.

Ophie was as mesmerized by the sea as they had been of the sky. They stare with big wide eyes, for once in their life calm and quiet.

"It's been so long since last we flew together." Aziraphale says with a smile.

"When was that? 14th, 15th century?"

"I do think it was the 14th. After we had to run from that man with a crossbow."

Crowley snorts. "I forgot about him. I think I saw him some weeks later in a pub. Talking how no one would believe him about the flying men he saw."

"Did he recognize you?"

Crowley snorts again. "Heavens no. I just told him that I believed him and he bought me some ale."

Aziraphale chuckles. "We should do this more often."

"You're saying it as if the spawn won't force us to do it."

Ophie looks up at hearing their nickname. "Flaaai!" they say, beating their wings.

"Weren't you tired?!" Crowley says, the big smile on his face taking away all the edge from his voice.

"Flaaai!" Ophie repeats, beating their wings so fast that if they had been bigger they would have already flown away.

Crowley grabs the baby with one arm. "How can I turn you off?" he says with a wide smile, tickling Ophie until they are a mess of shrieks and laughter.

Aziraphale melts into a smile. "Well. There's still the journey back." he says, standing up and offering Crowley a hand. The demon takes it and hauls himself upright, not letting it go.

In a heartbeat they are up in the sky. The sunset on their backs as they fly off into the distance. Back home.

…

"Wait. Angel. Where did we leave the car?!"

\------

[1] This was an incredible exaggeration. The Them really had been heartbroken by the fact that dinosaurs were not real and had passed the rest of the day feeling betrayed by everyone. But only one day later they had come to the conclusion that the fact that they were not real did not take anything away from dinosaurs being awesome.

[2] If anyone had heard this train of thought they would have facepalmed then and there.[3]

[3] The Metatron was very confused by God's strange face hitting motion.

[4] Hours later, Warlock would be woken up by the pained cries of his roommate when he would step on a plastic dinosaur that they had never seen in their lives. Warlock would laugh at his roommates pain for 5 minutes straight before sending Adam a photo. The Ex-Antichrist was extremely confused about how his lost toy had ended up in America of all places.

[5] It would be roasted chicken right now, Crowley thinks.

[6] But maybe not as ridiculous as taking 6000 years to notice it was something important for them in the first place.

[7] Not like they did enough to dirty the current one but like Crowley always said: nothing like changing things up.[8]

[8] Thought Aziraphale who had been wearing the same clothes for almost a century.

[9] The image of Ophie falling towards the earth, incapable of saving them would plague Crowley's nights for years to come. Damn you adult fear.

[10] Gravity might have stopped working for a moment there. Why deal with G force when you can ask gravity to take a rest?

[11] "Nop, you're fine."

"Er… my Lord? Is something the matter?"

"Oh, no, it's nothing Metatron."

[12] And completely failing to even get away from Crowley's arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YES, another random character that is here just for this chapter!  
> …  
> or is he? èwe
> 
> fun fact, my draft for this chapter says  
> "they are at the park  
> Ophie sees a bird"  
> and somehow I turned that first line into 2 whole pages of random stuff.
> 
> And don't worry, the birds are ok. Or as ok as you can be after being anthropomorphised by a demon. Who knows, maybe that's contagious and in some years the birds of the area will have their own society.  
> …  
> *takes notes for future chapters*


	13. Google's revenge

It had been a week since they had taken Ophie on a scroll and what a week it had been. Crowley was seriously regretting ever leaving the bookshop.

Yeah, it had been incredibly fun to fly around and it was even better to be able to stretch his wings for once.[1] But now Ophie wouldn't shut up for one second about flying.

Going out to the park or to eat? _Why aren't we flying there?_

Let's relax inside for the day? _We should go flying!_

Seeing the Bentely for any reason at all? _Flying is better!_[2]

Even after sitting them down to have a very serious conversation about why flying everywhere wasn't an option, Ophie didn't understand. It appeared that the sole idea of humans not being able to fly was too mind bending to even bother to understand everything else. Turns out a baby no angel was still a baby, Theory of Mind had to wait some more years.

At least they also got the attention span of a baby. So the situation was at least manageable.

Or it had been manageable until one day Crowley slithered down the couch and found something horrifying.

"Angel!" Crowley all but shrieks, barely holding back the panic.

Aziraphale runs to the backroom, fear taking over him as he looks around in search of what could be wrong.

"Look!" Crowley raises his hand, his fingers holding a delicate grey feather.

It's as if Azirapahle deflates, all the fear being traded for utter bafflement.

Crowley huffs, a little too scared to put actual annoyance in the gesture. He lets go of whatever he was holding with his left arm and Aziraphale finally understands the problem.

A dozen of grey feathers fall from Crowley's arm. They were less fluffy and far more dusty than last they had seen them when they were actually attached Ophie's wings.

Aziraphale looks in horror at Ophie, who all this time had been sitting on the couch while looking at them with big confused eyes, not recognizing the feathers that used to belong to them.

"Aaah?"

"Sweetheart, could you open your wings?" Aziraphale's voice sounds strange, trying so hard to sound calm and collected that it ends sounding far too alarmed.

"Wings?" Ophie says, a little too excited for the situation.

"Yes." Aziraphale pleads.

"Wings!" Ophie cheers, opening their wings.

And everyone looks in horror as dozens or even hundreds of little feathers explode from Ophie's back, raining upon them.

It appeared that Ophie's wings had gone through a growth spur in the time they haven't been looking at them. It wasn't much but it was enough to make the old feathers look ill fitted for the longer wings, the ones left from before barely holding onto them.

At least it looked like new ones had already started to grow in their place. Although it looked like some were just appearing, others looked to be almost ready to unfurl. All in all, Ophie looked ridiculous with the hundreds of disproportionate feathers.

"Shhhiii-AAAh!" Crowley shouts, making Aziraphale jump in surprise.

"What's wrong?"

"The internet was right!"

\------

[1] And he might still melt a little just by the memory of Ophie's pure joy.

[2] _Oh, it was?!_ Though the Bentley, _Could your wings play 'Don't Stop me Now'? No, they couldn't! This kids!_[3]

[3] "Mmm, dear. I think something is wrong with your car?"

"Hmm? My car is fine!"

"It does work fine but I think it's in a bad mood."

"Angel… cars don't have moods."

**Author's Note:**

> Alt titles:  
> Your insurance doesn't cover unexpected baby break ins  
> To the world and the future we never expected  
> Love, family, and broken windows  
> Instructions unclear, baby appeared from nowhere  
> You, me, and the people we picked up along the way  
> Found family but with broken windows


End file.
